Somewhere Out There
by jade
Summary: AU. Chou Ryuuen has led a fairly normal life until he wakes up on his sixteenth birthday only to have his world turned upside down by events far beyond his control. COMPLETED!
1. Tragedy

Okay, this is an idea I got while listening to a song so I thought I should name the fic after the song and stuff. This fic is centered on Nuriko! ^_^. The purple-haired wonder! All hail Ryuu-chan! That reminds me, the K.o.t.w.a.s. still hasn't e-mailed me about my application. -_-, I'm sad. But oh well, I'm sure I'll be hearing from them any day now. Hope you enjoy this story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi or the song "Somewhere Out There" by Our Lady Peace. (It's totally about Nuriko and Hotohori! I mean come on "I miss your purple hair; I miss the way you taste." Who are they trying to fool?) 

Soundtrack: I'd say that the song for this chapter is probably "My Immortal" by Evanescence but you know, the main theme always works. 

Somewhere Out There

Chapter One

            Once I had this dream. 

            I had to be about six years old when I had it. I was drifting off to sleep and dreaming about odd things happening, toys coming to life and talking to me, ya' know weird stuff like that. Then it happened. I was suddenly sitting in a garden and a little boy was crying by himself as rain poured down all around us.

            I ran up to him and put my arms around him, he was so cold because of the rain. He was wearing odd clothes and his hair was all pinned up with a sort of crown on top of it. He cried into my shoulder and I patted his back, not sure why I felt the need to comfort him but thinking that if I could, everything would be all right.

            "It's okay…I'm here…" I told him in a soft soothing voice. Why was he crying by himself? 

            "Who…?" The boy lifted his head and stared up at me. He had big amber eyes full of tears. "Who are you?" 

            "My name's Ryuuen. Why are you crying?" I asked curiously. 

            "Because…because…mother died." The boy started to cry again. "And there's no one else left…"

            "No one else?" I didn't really know what he was talking about.

            "No one else who will see me…the real me…" The boy threw his arms around me again. I hugged him tightly as I felt sympathy well up for him. I was so young that I didn't really understand his plight. Then I felt sunshine on my face, which was strange because it was still raining so hard. I felt like I was fading away. The boy reached out towards me in desperation but he ended up falling on his knees.

            I woke up back in my room; the sun that was coming from outside my window is what woke me up. Of course, I felt bad for having to leave the boy but then I told myself it was just a dream. 

            I didn't think about that dream very much after that. You could say I had forgotten it completely. But everything changed when I woke up on my sixteenth birthday. 

*                                              *                                              * 

            That morning I woke up with an extra spring in my step. I was sixteen. That meant a driver's license, getting to stay out later, and a car. I was as happy as can be. I could hear my mom making breakfast downstairs as my room is right above the kitchen. Probably a special birthday breakfast like super yummy omelets with mushrooms and stuff in them. That sounded good.

            I put on my favorite pair of jeans and a black Saint-Saens Orchestra t-shirt. Then I grabbed my beloved black sweatshirt and tied it around my waist. Next came my hair, which goes down to my butt and is purple. My older brother Rokou always makes fun of my hair. He says it's girly but I dunno, I never really had the heart to cut it. I quickly braided it and threw the braid over my shoulder. It was so much easier for me to just braid it because then it didn't go everywhere when I was doing things. I very rarely wore my hair down.

            It was time to go wake up the little monster herself. I loved my little sister Kourin to death. We look a lot alike and we're really close. So I ran into her room and went to go pounce on her while she was still in bed. 

            But Kourin wasn't there. 

            Her bed wasn't even messed up but I knew that unlike her two brothers, Kourin was very neat and always made her bed as soon as she got up. She was probably downstairs trying to sample my birthday breakfast before me. I ran down the stairs and through the living room, bursting into the kitchen.

            "Good morning all!" I sang out. The only person in the kitchen was my mother. My mother was in fact cutting up vegetables and it appeared that she was indeed making my favorite, omelets. It surprised me that Kourin _wasn't there. Now where could she be?_

            "It's the birthday boy." My mother looked up at me and smiled brightly. "Happy birthday Ryuuen." 

            "Morning." I looked around; no she wasn't hiding under the table. "Where's Kourin?" 

            "I think she's still sleeping, she hasn't come down yet." My mother shrugged a little. 

            "Well she wasn't in bed when I got up there…" I frowned a little. 

            _Ah ha, I bet she's hiding. In fact any moment now I'll go around a corner and she'll pop up._

That's when the phone rang. I looked at it and my heart began to pound suddenly. I knew right at that moment that I didn't want anyone to answer the phone, that maybe if we ignored it, whatever news was waiting for us would just go away. My mother went to the phone and I was completely frozen. 

            "Who could be calling this early?" She asked in a cheery sort of tone as she picked up the phone. "Hello?" There was a pause as someone asked something. "This is she…what? No…she's…I'll be right there." My mom put down the phone.

            She looked up at me, she's got the same rose-colored eyes that Kourin and me have, they were starting to cloud with tears. My mom is an emotional person, kind of like me, and it's easy to set her off but I felt fear choke me and I couldn't ask her what was wrong. My mother told me. 

            "Kourin…" I closed my eyes; I knew I didn't want to hear this. "Kourin's in the hospital…something happened." 

            _No. No, this can't be happening. This is some sort of weird dream and when I open my eyes, I'll be back in bed still. Kourin will come running in. Everything will be fine. _

My eyes opened and my mother was still standing there. She reached her arms out toward me and hugged me as tight as she could. She began to sob but she quickly pulled away and ran to get her car keys. My dad was already on his way to work, he had to drive an hour to get there. He was an architect and was always working, though he tried to be home as often as possible. My mom was grabbing her purse. 

            "Go get Rokou; we're going to the hospital." My mother was trying her best to look strong and I had to admire her at that moment. The fact that she could still take charge even with the news that one of her kids was in the hospital was pretty amazing to think about. 

            I flew up the stairs and dashed into Rokou's room. His room was a mess, even worse then mine, and he was still sleeping. I shook him awake.

            "Gah, what is it Ryuuen?" Rokou asked sleepily as he sat up. I felt a lump form in my throat again, I wasn't sure I could say it. 

            "Kourin's in the hospital, we're going to go see her." I finally got out. Rokou was dressed in record time, pulling on his shoes before I knew it. We almost stumbled as we went down the stairs we were going so fast. Although Rokou and I are close, he cares about Kourin a lot and is pretty over-protective. Come to think of it, so am I. 

            The drive to the hospital seemed like it was too long. When we finally got there, we almost knocked over a nurse running into the building. My mother ran to the desk and the nurse behind it was startled. 

            "Yes?" She asked as she took a look at our state of upset. 

            "My daughter, Chou Kourin, where is she?" My mother asked, a little winded from all of the running. 

            "Yes, she's in critical condition up in the emergency ward. That's two floors up, room number two-oh-six." The nurse reeled off as the clacked on her computer. 

            We took off towards the elevators again.

            "How can she be in the emergency ward? Critical condition?" Rokou looked at my mother and me for explanation. I had none to offer. 

            "I didn't really wait to hear I was just so worried…" My mother's grip on her purse tightened. The elevator stopped and we got off. My heart began to pound as we reached the room. 

            _Oh please let it be some mistake, let her be okay…please…_

We opened the door and there was Kourin. 

            At first I couldn't tell it was her. She was covered in tubes and she had an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. There was an IV going into her arm and she was covered in bandages that you could see blood soaking through. Her eyes were closed. The heart monitor was going steady and her breathing was so loud that it filled the whole room. 

            "Kourin!" I rushed to her bed. She didn't open her eyes. 

            "Are you the family?" A male voice asked. I looked over to see a man with a clipboard and a stethoscope around his neck. He had a pen in his pocket which he immediately took out. 

            "Yes, I'm Chou Kimiko, Kourin's mother." My mom rushed through immediately. "What happened to my daughter?" 

            "Maybe we should step outside…" The doctor took a look at my brother and me. "All of you." We followed him even though I was reluctant to leave Kourin's side. What had happened to her?

            "Well?" Rokou was never a patient person and right then, I didn't really blame him. 

            "This is all second-hand account and we've done enough tests to figure it out." The doctor took a deep breath. "Your daughter is in critical condition and I'm afraid…under the circumstances, it doesn't look very good."

            "What happened to her?" My mother pressed urgently. 

            "She was stabbed six times and raped." The doctor confessed. "There's very little chance of her surviving; we're doing all that we can." 

            "No!" I shouted at him. "That's not true!" Rokou began to punch the wall next to him. "No! She'll survive, she's strong enough!" 

            I ran into Kourin's room only dimly hearing my mother calling out to me. I grabbed Kourin's hand and held it. 

            "Come on Kourin! Wake up!" I pleaded with her. "Come on you weakling, I know you can hear me! You're such a faker! Wake up! It's me…" My voice began to soften. "Its big brother…wake up…how can you try to get hurt like this on my birthday? That was stupid…wake up, please Kourin, wake up! Open your eyes…I'll spend all my birthday money on you and you can be the first to ride in my car…Kourin!" 

            She didn't stir though. Her chest kept rising and falling and the heart monitor kept on its steady beeping. Rokou put a hand on my shoulder and he was gripping it painfully.

            "Ryuuen…" Rokou began. "Shouting at her isn't going to help." I heard my mother come back into the room behind me, crying softly. It was then I realized that I had been crying the whole time. 

            "I think I should tell you two what happened." My mother kept on crying as she spoke. We turned to look at her, Rokou didn't take his hand off my shoulder and I didn't let go of Kourin's hand. "This was told to them by a young man who was also injured but is recovering…This young man, he didn't have very many friends except for Kourin. She invited him to go with her last night because she wanted him to get out more…Kourin had been seeing a young man that she hadn't told us about because she thought we wouldn't approve of him. She thought he was a good guy and that everyone just gave him a bad image.

            "Kourin was wrong; he and some friends picked her up right before midnight. They went and got her friend after she asked them to. They drove out to some secluded spot in a field. They took Kourin and pinned her…her friend tried to stop them but they stabbed him and they kept kicking him whenever he tried to get up. Kourin tried to fight them…she's always been a fighter…" My mother closed her eyes, her face filled with pain. "They stabbed her. And she kept trying to fight and they stabbed her again and again. And then they all raped her." 

            "Fucking sons of bitches!" Rokou kicked the wall next to him violently. "I'll kill every last one of them!" 

            My mother kept going with her story. "The young man who was her friend was left with her as the others drove off. He had been beaten badly by this time but he picked up Kourin and carried her all the way to the nearest highway where he flagged down a car and then collapsed." 

            "But he's okay?" I questioned angrily, my fists were clenched and I was shaking. How was that fair that he was recovering but she wasn't? How was that fair? I turned on Kourin again. "Dammit Kourin! How could you? Don't you know anything? You knew you shouldn't have snuck out! You knew! You knew!" I slid to my knees, still clutched her hand and crying. Behind me, Rokou was still hitting the wall. My mother was sobbing. 

            I'm not sure how long it took. Time passed very slowly. My dad had come in at one point and was holding my mother; Rokou had finally stopped hitting the wall on my father's command and was now nursing his bloody knuckles. And I…I was still holding her hand. I couldn't let go and no one asked me to. 

            The doctor came back in and told us that Kourin was still bleeding, she was going to die. I sat there hoping with all my might that it wasn't true, somehow there would be some sort of miracle and Kourin would pull through. I couldn't deal with her death. Not like this, not like this. I wanted to see her grow up and do everything that she had ever dreamed of. She couldn't die. She just couldn't. 

            My father and my mother left the room for a little while and came back, my mother still sobbing. I wondered briefly were they had gone.

            "We went to see the boy…we thanked him for bringing Kourin to the hospital…we thanked him for trying to stop it…" My mother was shaking still. "I wanted to thank him…we can stay with Kourin if you two want to go see him."

            I couldn't go see him. I had to stay with Kourin. I _had _to. Because if I left, somehow she'd stop trying to live. I shook my head. Rokou got up. 

            "I'd like to go see him." I looked up to see Rokou's face looking grim. "I want to thank him too. I thank him for you Ryuuen." I nodded my head before turning back to Kourin, who still looked like she was sleeping. 

            Later, the doctor asked if we'd like a priest. We said no. It's like the hospital was already giving up on her. She was going to live. I could tell as I stayed by her side, occasionally smoothing her purple hair that was so much like mine. 

            It was late at night, Rokou had come back and was sitting in his chair with his head in his hands, my mother and father had tried to get the two of us to eat something but neither of us was hungry. My mother and father didn't bother eating either. 

            Then the most terrible noise I had ever heard began. 

            It was one flat note and I didn't realize what it was until it dawned on me that the heart monitor was no longer beeping. Doctors and nurses rushed in, they pulled me away from Kourin. They tried to revive her but nothing was working. She wasn't breathing anymore, she still looked as though she had just gone to sleep and all we needed to do was wake her up but nothing was working. 

            Images of Kourin, laughing and smiling at me flashed into my head. And then for some odd reason, a little boy who was crying by himself. I sank to my knees as the images went flashing by.

            _"Ryuuen!" Kourin popped out from behind a corner. "I got you! Happy birthday!" _

_            "No one else who will see me…the real me…" The boy threw his arms around me. _

_            "Ryuuen!" Kourin was smiling brightly at me._

_            "The real me…" Tears were falling all around us and down his cheeks. _

_            Kourin smiling at me._

_            The boy falling as he reached out towards me in desperation._

Suddenly it all swirled together and a fell backwards, darkness rushing in to fill the void. 

            The darkness didn't last very long. In fact, I thought that I had only fainted when I felt something warm rush over me, soothing me, taking away all my pain for just a single moment. Then I was somewhere that was a little chilly, I slowly opened my eyes.

            Only to find a pair of beautiful amber ones staring straight back at me. 

*                                              *                                              * 

            I started crying! I really did! I was so sad and I felt so bad for having to kill off Kourin like that. I have no qualms with her believe me. I mean, I know it was necessary to the plot but it felt so bad to have to kill her. I wanted to give Nuriko a hug. I hope you guys will tune in for the next chapter. Read and review.


	2. Strange World

I decided that if I mention K.o.t.w.a.s. in every round of author notes, the chances are that one of them will read this and be like "Ack! Somebody contact Jade!" Yeah, sure. This is of course based on my Jadian Theory Of Pillowy (Or, If You Nag Someone For Something, They'll Get Annoyed and Get It.) I know I've been a bad updater buuuut NaNoWriMo novel+homework+slacking off+watching TV+senpai coming over=No time for fanfiction. But dammit I'm updating whether you guys like it or not!

Disclaimer: I don't own FY or the song title as used for the title of this fic.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Two

            I blinked several times, but the amber eyes were still there. Now, who had amber eyes? I supposed it was a doctor of some sort, they probably ran over to me when they should be looking at Kourin.

            A wrenching pain went through my body as I thought of her and I turned to look at her bed, but it wasn't there. In fact, I was outside, laying in what looked like well kept grounds, near me on one side was a large pond, almost a lake, with a bridge going over part of it. Lanterns were lining the bridge and there was a gazebo right on the edge of the pond. My eyes flickered back toward the amber ones still looking at me with a swirl of curiosity and concern.

            "Are you alright?" It was a deep and pleasant voice that put me instantly at ease.

            "I'm fine…" My head hurt a little as I sat up. "Where am I?" I asked, as I looked beyond him to a huge building, also strung about with lanterns, that looked like a huge palace that you see in Asian history books. 

            "You are currently sitting in my gardens which are located right next to the palace." The man offered. I took a careful look at him. He had a flawless face, with elegant features surrounding his amber eyes, which were sparkling at the moment. His gray hair was pinned up in a sort of crown that reminded me of something that I had vaguely seen before.

            "Palace?" I stood up, wiping dirt off of my jeans. He smiled at me.

            "Yes, the Royal Palace of Konan." He looked vaguely surprised that I didn't know. "Where is it that you are from? I have never seen clothes like that before…"

            "I come from…" I looked around the place; it did look rather like ancient China or something. "Er, wait, Konan?"

            "Yes, Konan, one of the four kingdoms…" The man was studying me. "I saw you arrive." 

            "Huh?" I was really bewildered now, and there was that pang that reminded me of Kourin. "Look, I have to find the hospital…"

            "There was a flash of red light." The man was saying. "And there you were, laying there on the path. You must have been sent by Suzaku." 

            "Look, I don't really know what you're talking about." I put up a pair of hands. "I just fainted in the hospital or…or…" Tears started to come down my face as I remembered why I had fainted. I collapsed back down to the ground, sobbing into my hands. 

            A warm pair of arms encircled me and held me close, my head resting on layers of red fabric. I clutched at it and cried even harder. A hand smoothed my hair. 

            "It's okay…" A voice whispered to me. I stayed in those warm arms for a while before I realized I was just crying all over someone I had never met before. 

            "I…I'm sorry…it's just, someone very close to me…" I closed my eyes as I pulled away, trying hard to be able to say it. "They died…" 

            "That's alright, I was repaying a favor." The man had a faraway look in his eyes. 

            _Repaying a favor? What? _

"Who are you?" I asked, noticing that he seemed in some odd way familiar to me like someone I had met just once or someone I had passed on the street. 

            "I'm Saihitei." The man introduced himself. 

            "My name is…"I hesitated. Now what happened next I can't really explain other then to say that it suddenly occurred to me that this person probably thought I was a woman, I mean, I am very feminine looking and often have to convince people of my gender. And Kourin would play along sometimes when I pretended to be a girl. And then maybe, just maybe, if I pretended to be her, she'd live on in this strange land. "Chou Kourin." 

            "Kourin?" The man looked surprised but then he smiled a secretive smile that I didn't understand. "Come, I'll take care of you." I let him lead me into the huge palace. I didn't really understand where I was still. Several people bowed as we passed, probably at Saihitei. 

            _Wait a second…did he say that they were his gardens? Is he…could he be…?_

I gave him a questioning look as yet another person bowed to him. Saihitei noticed my confusion. 

            "I'm the Emperor of Konan." He offered as an explanation. My jaw dropped and I stopped dead in my tracks.

            "The Emperor?" I said incredulously. "Of Japan?  You look a lot younger in real life…and there's no place in Japan called Konan…" Then the thought came to me. "I'm…I'm not in my world anymore, am I?"

            "No, I don't think so." Saihitei's face looked as though he was considering something privately. "I think you were sent to us from another world."

            "But…but that's just crazy!" I waved my arms wildly. "I mean, you can't just go

world-hopping!" I suddenly pinched myself, nope, I wasn't dreaming. What the heck was going on? I realized that Saihitei probably knew about as much about the situation as I did. Why had I been brought to this strange place? 

            "Your Highness, I was looking for you." An elderly man approached Saihitei. He looked over in my direction. "Ah! What a beautiful lady, if I may say so, your Highness." 

            "Yes, this is Kourin." Saihitei nodded his head towards me. "Kourin is staying here for now, prepare a room at once." The man bowed and hurried off. In a few moments a couple of maids came to us, curtsying deeply. 

            "Lord Kokoro told us that the Lady Kourin would need our assistance." One maid

explained their presence.

            "Yes, Kourin," Saihitei looked directly at me. "Feel free to call for anything you might need. Then when you are done, please come to my chambers, I wish to speak with you some more." 

            "Let's go, Lady Kourin." The maids began to usher me away and I let them. We got to the room, which was huge. It could have fit Rokou's, Kourin's, and mine in there. The maids turned towards me.

            And then they tried to undress me.

            "AHHHHHH!" I screamed and then flailed wildly to keep them away from me. Because if they undressed me, then they would know that I was far from being 'Lady Kourin.' And 'Lord Kourin' had a disturbing ring to it. I backed away from the startled maids. "Um...that's okay, I'll get dressed myself."

            "But lady-" One maid began.

            "No, by myself." I insisted. 

            "Perhaps where Lady Kourin is from, they dress themselves." One maid with purple hair suggested. She looked a bit like an older version of Kourin. 

            "What's your name?" I asked her.

            "Houki." She answered promptly. 

            "Well, Houki's right." I agreed with what she said. "We're um...really modest." Oh good one Ryuuen. I gathered up the clothes they had brought for me and went behind one of the dressing screens. 

            I didn't realize how complicated the clothing was, and so Houki had to explain it to me twice. I finally walked out and immediately all the maids swooped on me, trying to put up my hair and put make-up on. I knew Kourin would enjoy the attention and I tried to allow it, but it was a bit too weird for me and I kept squirming. 

            When they were done, I was allowed to look in the mirror. You couldn't mistake me for anything but a girl now. The layers of clothing would have hidden anyone's chest so I just looked really flat for a girl. My lips were red and looked somewhat pouty. I had to say that I wasn't by any means a _bad _looking girl. In fact, I was kind of pretty.

            _I look like Kourin._

The thought made my stomach clench as I was led toward Saihitei's rooms. I went inside and I swear his eyebrows went up to his hairline at the sight of me. Maybe I didn't make as convincing a girl as I thought. He seemed to regain his composure.

            "Sit, please." He gestured to the place across from him at the table. The maids left, and then it was just the two of us. "I thought my explanation earlier was not very good and I should strive for a better one this time around."

            "Okay." I nodded. "So, where's Konan?"

            "It's the southern-most kingdom in our land. It is the land protected by Suzaku, the phoenix." Saihitei answered. 

            "Suzaku. The phoenix. Got it." I tried not to sound too skeptical. I had never really had any sort of faith before in a higher deity. And now, suddenly I'm in another world, walking around a kingdom that's supposed to be protected by some big fiery rooster, so excuse me if I don't have undying faith in the concept. 

            "The other three gods are Genbu, the turtle who protects the land of Hokkan, Seiryuu, the dragon who protects the land of Kutou, and Byakko, the tiger who protects the land of Sairou." Saihitei went on. 

            "So, earlier when you said Suzaku sent me...you were talking about your god?" I went with the explanation. 

            "Yes, I saw a flash of red light, and then there you were." Saihitei looked at me with an almost shy curiosity. "Is our world very different from yours?"

            "A lot different." I looked at the lanterns. Those weren't light bulbs. "You don't have electricity for one."

            "Elec..tricity?" Saihitei said the word slowly. "What is that?" 

            "I don't know how to explain it." I admitted sheepishly. "Or at least, not in a way that would make you understand." 

            "I'm sure it is quite fascinating. But how did you travel here? Were you meditating?" Saihitei questioned. 

            "I was at the hospital." 

            And suddenly I was at the hospital. Reliving every horrible moment of it.

_            "Kourin's in the hospital…something happened."_

            _"She was stabbed six times and raped." _

_            "It's big brother…wake up…how can you try to get hurt like this on my birthday? That was stupid…wake up, please Kourin, wake up! Open your eyes…"_

_            "Dammit Kourin! How could you? Don't you know anything? You knew you shouldn't have snuck out! You knew! You knew!"_

_            She should have lived. She should have lived. She was my little sister and she should have been allowed to keep going. _

_            What wrong had she ever done anyone?_

_            She was just Kourin...why couldn't you let her live?_

_            I won't let her die like this._

_            I can't._

I was crying again, maybe I'd never stop crying. It hurt so bad as I thought of all the things Kourin was never going to see or do. There was the vain and desperate hope that if I ever got back to the hospital, Kourin would be there. 

            And then there was a pair of comforting arms there around me. Saihitei was letting me cry on his robes. A complete stranger. Somebody who wouldn't even tell him their real gender or their real name. Why was that? 

            I felt so exhausted and so numb. Sleep washed over me even though I knew I shouldn't just go to sleep in front of Saihitei like this. But I did. 

            I dreamed of Kourin.

            *                                              *                                              *

            _Beep. Beep. Beep._

_            What's that sound? _

I opened my eyes to see a heart monitor beeping next to me. That was weird. Since when did ancient kingdoms have heart monitors? And then I sat up quickly and saw that I was back at the hospital.

            _What? But...was that all just a dream?_

_            It felt so real._

"Ryuuen!" I heard my mother gasp and I turned to look at her but was suddenly being hugged fervently by Rokou.

            "Don't ever do that again!" Rokou told me fiercely. "Gods, Ryuuen, I already lost...dammit, I thought, the way you fell like that..." 

            "What's going on?" I asked them. "All I can remember is..." I wasn't sure I could say it. A small sob escaped my mom's lips and she buried her face into her hands. My father's face was drawn with grief and his eyes were bloodshot. I had never seen my father cry before. That meant only one thing.

            There was a part of me that had wanted to believe I would come back and everything would be all right. But that wasn't true.

            _She's gone...she's really gone..._

_            "Ryuuen!" Kourin smiling happily at him faded away into the darkness. _

_            Kourin..._

"She's..." I couldn't finish now. I couldn't say it out loud. 

            "She's gone." Rokou's eyes averted to the floor as though it would make it less painful if he wasn't looking at me. I wish I could say I was all cried out. But I wasn't. We all cried together, Rokou hugging me, and my dad hugging my mom. 

            It could have been hours later, I wasn't sure, but a doctor came in and checked my pulse and everything. I was so numb, I couldn't even see him, I could only see the red-rimmed eyes of my family. 

            "You're fine Mr. Chou, you just fainted." The doctor told me in a deep, pleasant voice. "You can go home now if you'd like." I looked up at him and only saw a pair of dark eyes before my mother stood up. 

            "We should get back to the house." My mother nodded solemnly. And I suddenly realized how much I hated hospitals. I hated the way it looked and smelled. And I hated the way Kourin had to die here. 

            We finally got out of there and climbed into the car. The clock read four a.m. It was then that I remembered yesterday was my birthday. 

            What had started out as one of the most exciting days of my life had quickly turned into the worst day of my life. It was strange how things turned out.

            The drive home was unbearable as we had to go through town. Have you ever just looked out the window and sat there recalling everything that happened at every place you passed?

            _Remember when we went to that Dairy Queen and yelled 'bingo!' when they called our number?_

_            Remember when we all got lost and Rokou's car broke down?_

_            Remember when..._

They all started out like that. And it hurt as though an icy fist was squeezing tighter with each reminder. Finally, I closed my eyes but all I could see was Kourin lying on that hospital bed. 

            I opened them again and stared hollowly at the seat in front of me. It was like a part of me had been ripped away. 

            We arrived at home and all the memories came and I couldn't take it. I ran up to my room, slamming the door behind me as I heard my mom call my name. I buried my face in the pillow, sobbing loudly into it, my hand balling into a fist and punching the headboard of my bed every so often. 

            Finally, my mother braved knocking on my door. I looked over at my knuckles, they were bruised and two had split open and were bleeding. I didn't care. It didn't matter because they could bleed all they wanted to and they weren't bringing back Kourin.

            "Ryuuen? Honey?" My mom came and sat down next to me. I turned my face away from her and stared at my hand. "Ryuuen, I know this is horrible. I know that you're sad, I feel the same way. We all do. I just...I guess I just don't want you to feel alone. Not when you have your family here beside you." I sat up and looked at her rose-colored eyes. 

            It struck me that my mother was not very young. I guess I always thought of her as young, but the lines on her face, the rings around her eyes, everything said it was obvious that she was beginning to grow old. I threw my arms around her, and she hugged me back, rocking me gently like I was a little kid. 

            Eventually though, she put me to bed, tucking me in, and I felt just a little bit better. She kissed my forehead and then turned my light out as the first lights of morning began to peek through my curtains. Twenty-four hours ago, I had a sister. 

            My eyes closed and I drifted off. I couldn't help but feel weird about the whole thing with Saihitei and Konan. Were they real? Or just something I made up out of nowhere? 

            It all felt so real. And when I pinched myself...it had hurt.

            _Was it all some sort of illusion?_

_            Was Saihitei real?_

Somehow, I didn't think I could accept that he wasn't.

            *                                              *                                              *

            I knew I had fallen asleep, but I felt something warm rush over me all over again. It was just like last time. And then I felt like I was falling. Why was I falling? 

            _Crash!_

            I winced more at the sound then the pain I felt as I made contact with a long wooden table. I had clearly fallen on stacks of paper. I moved my hand, it was sticky with ink. 

            "What the heck?" I asked. 

            "Kourin!" And I turned to see that above the table was a dais where a throne sat and standing up in shock was Saihitei. 

            _I'm back._

*                                              *                                              *

            Finally. That took forever and a day. I swear all will be revealed soon. Please review! 


	3. Dishonesty

I'm baaack! And ready for more of this fic. So many of you have been trying to guess what's really going on and who's who! ^_^. I'm glad you guys are liking it thus far. I wonder what the K.O.T.W.A.S. would think of it? Sorry, had to do it. So without further ado, I presentttttt the next chapter!

Otaku Pitcher: I'm glad you like the story so far. ^_^. 

Metajoker: Yes, and it's a rather good explanation too! But sadly, it kind of takes the whole story to explain it. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Sad. Still gonna be a little sad. And...Miaka?! Dun Dun DUN! 

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Three

            Quickly Saihitei had jumped into action and before I knew it, both me and him were out of the big room full of what looked like ancient advisors and walking quickly along. 

            "I was confused before when you disappeared but now that you have reappeared, we must find out what we can about it." Saihitei declared. "After you've had a chance to freshen up a bit after your journey, Kourin."

            I can't explain how glad I was that it wasn't all a dream. For some reason I wouldn't have been able to take the fact that Saihitei and all of this didn't exist, because it would pull too much from my own reality. There was something very soothing about this other world, and while I walked along side Saihitei, I tried to think of what it was.

            _It's because nothing here reminds you of Kourin's death._

"Kourin, here are your rooms and..." Saihitei had led me back to the room I had gotten dressed in before. He was hesitating a little before speaking in a low voice and quiet voice. "I'm sorry to have rushed you out of there but I was er, falling asleep in there with the advisors."

            The thought of someone like Saihitei sleeping while having a meeting with their advisors made me giggle. It sounded alien to me. Probably because I didn't really think I'd be able to laugh again.

            "Anyways, I'll be waiting out here for you." Saihitei bowed his head a little at me and I went inside the room. 

            There was only one maid there, Houki, the maid who looked a lot like me was dusting off the tables. 

            "Lady Kourin!" Houki beamed at me. "I heard so many rumors last night; I didn't know what to believe! One maid told me you were enveloped by a red light and then disappeared!" 

            "All I can remember is falling asleep, but according to Saihitei, I disappeared." I shrugged. 

            "Ah..." Houki went starry-eyed for a moment and then blushed. "Sorry, Lady Kourin, I just can't imagine being so privileged as to call his highness by his name like you." 

            "'S not that big of a deal..." I trailed off. "Um..."

            "Oh your clothes! I'm sure you'll want to change." Houki glanced at my outfit. "You wear strange clothes in your country. I mean, I don't mean to offend you, lady." 

            "Why don't you just call me Kourin?" I asked. "That whole 'lady' thing is a little weird." 

            "Are you not a noblewoman in your country?" Houki cocked her head to one side curiously. 

            "Uh, no." I tried not to laugh, considering I wasn't even a _woman_, let alone _noble_. Then I went behind the small dressing wall to change my clothes. Of course, I didn't get it quite right and had to have Houki give me instructions again. 

            When I walked out she began immediately on my hair. 

            "Your hair is so beautiful..." Houki seemed to like to compliment people as she had already told me how wonderful I looked in the new clothes. I was used to my simple braid, not somebody trying to put my hair up in elaborate hairstyles. "Kourin...what do you think of his highness?"

            "He seems pretty nice." I answered truthfully. "But I haven't known him very long, why?"

            "He is very kind, isn't he?" I looked at Houki in the mirror who had paused and was looking very far away at the moment. "And so beautiful..."

            "Do you like Saihitei?" I blinked a couple of times in the mirror. I don't know why this surprised me, he was good-looking and he was also the emperor which I'm sure caught a lot of girls' attention though; I guess that could also be a bad thing. 

            "Well...promise not to tell?" Houki asked, looking at me hopefully. It reminded me of Kourin trying to keep a secret but of course failing by telling me. "I'm in love with him."

            "Your secret is safe with me." I smiled at him. 

            "I knew it would be, there's something about you that I trust." Houki nodded in a sort of knowing manner. "I remember, when I was a little girl and his highness' mother had just died...I was working in the kitchens when someone told me his highness had been in the gardens crying by himself. I wanted to go comfort him but I had chores. But I heard that his highness came back from the gardens happy, saying he had seen a vision from Suzaku." 

            "So...about these gods, you guys don't...you know, have blood sacrifices or anything, right?" I asked sheepishly. What if they did? What if they decided to sacrifice me? 

            "No." Houki giggled. Then she got a serious look on her face. "I did hear once that Kutou sacrifices people to Seiryuu, but I don't know if that's true." 

            "Well, if you want, I can talk you up to Saihitei." I offered, going back to the subject at hand. Houki blushed a deep red.

            "His highness wouldn't know who I was. I'm just a maid." Houki shook her head. "I'm not important enough to mention. Besides, his highness must marry a lady and he has a harem."

            "A harem?!" I was astonished. He just didn't seem like the type. 

            "The Imperial Harem." Houki repeated. "I heard his highness never visits the house, which is strange. They were gathered when he was eight."

            "So young?" I blinked.

            "Sometimes the emperor is married quite young." Houki finished up on me. I studied myself in the mirror; it was still fascinating how feminine I looked. It was really like I was a grown-up Kourin. "The emperor probably wants to see you now." 

            "Yeah, well, don't think you're beneath his notice." I assured her. "I mean, haven't you heard of Cinderella?"

            "Who is Cinderella?" Houki pronounced it like a foreign word.

            "She's a maid who goes to a ball disguised as a lady." I told her as we left, happy to finally be explaining something instead of the other way around. "And the Prince falls madly in love with her but she has to leave before midnight, and when the clock strikes twelve, she runs out of the palace, leaving behind a shoe."

            "So what happens to her?" Houki prompted me, looking fascinated.

            "Well, he comes to her house with the shoe, hoping to find the one who fits it." I went on, feeling like I was telling Kourin a bedtime story when she was much younger. "Her stepmother tries to get her two daughters to fit into the shoe. But their feet are too big. So the first sister chops off her toes to fit."

            "The Prince's servant notices the blood and they go back. The other stepsister cuts off her heel. But once again, the servant notices. Then Cinderella tries on the shoe and it fits perfectly and they go to live in the castle and live happily ever after." I finished. 

            "I very much like this story." Houki looked rather dreamy-eyed. "Do you have many tales like that where you come from?"

            "Yeah, there's another about this princess who-" I trailed off as I saw something that distracted me. A procession of girls. A line of very elegant and beautifully robed women. The leader was in beautiful blue robes and had a very powerful, regal look on her face. 

            All the girls looked almost solemn as they proceeded by, disappearing behind a corner until the last girl came. She seemed a bit different. 

            For one, she had the type of expression you see on a five year old's face when they're trying to be serious. And that was before she stepped on the end of her red robes and tripped, falling flat on her face. I rushed towards her.

            "Are you okay?" I asked as I started to help her out and the girl jumped away from me.

            "Don't!" She cried out. Then she blinked and looked at me. She had wide green eyes and pretty brown hair. "Oh, I'm very sorry my lady, I thought you were a man."

            "Huh?" I went wide-eyed. I mean, I _was_ a man, but I thought it was a little hard to tell.

            "Sometimes I can sense when people are coming, but I'm bad at telling whether it's a girl or a boy." She accepted my hand and I pulled her to her feet. 

            "Does it matter?" I asked. 

            "Are you the Lady Kourin?" She asked excitedly, looking young with excitement. "I hear you came from Suzaku! The Miko were coming to see you." 

            "That's me." I didn't realize I was important by any means. I mean, sure I'm from another world but it's not like I _knew _how I went from one world or another. 

            "Then it's my duty to educate you!" She declared. "I'm Miaka, a Miko born." Noticing my increasing confusion, she went on. "That means that I was born specifically to be a Suzaku no Miko." Then she leaned in. "Really, I'm just in training, they pick a new Suzaku no Miko every three years but Yui's guaranteed to be the new one."

            "What does it mean to be Miko born?" I asked as we were joined by the blonde girl who had been the leader of the procession.

            "Miaka!" She looked a bit exasperated. "You've got to keep with the Procession; you could get Touched if you don't!" 

            "Gomen, Yui." Miaka hit herself on the head. "I tripped and Lady Kourin helped me." 

            "Oh, the Lady Kourin." Yui bowed towards me. "Please excuse Miaka; she's usually much more polite and calm." I highly doubted what Yui was saying but didn't say that.

            "It's fine; she was just explaining what Miko were." I smiled pleasantly.

            "Anyways, a Miko born is a girl who's never been touched by a man." Miaka told me. A very cold feeling crept into my stomach and I laughed nervously.

            "You mean, like you have to be a virgin?" I guessed, feeling dread settle on me.

            "No, it means I can never even accidentally brush against a man or anything. If a man were to lay one finger on me, I'd be Defiled and not fit for the gods!" Miaka looked terrified of the thought.

            _Oh. Whoops._

_            I think I've done a very, very bad thing. _

I was frozen in my place. I had two choices. One was to tell Miaka the truth about what just happened. The other was to not. All those years of never being near a man and I had stupidly ruined any of her dreams about being a Miko. What do I do?

            "Please excuse us, our Procession isn't finished." Yui bowed once more. 

            "Good-bye Lady Kourin!" Miaka waved cheerfully as they walked away and I stood there dumbly. 

            _Great, now she's 'defiled' and I'm the one who did it. _

_            I imagine the gods are probably pissed._

"Come on, we must see his highness." Houki tugged at my sleeve and I walked after her, contemplating what had just happened.

            *                                                          *                                                          *

            His Oh So Royal Highness, Saihitei was waiting for us with a pot of tea. Houki bowed several times and blushing excited as quickly as possible. She sure was shy. Saihitei didn't seem to notice her but was instead focused on me.

            "Is something wrong?" Saihitei asked and I jumped a little in response. I couldn't tell him. I bet there was like a penalty for lying to the emperor. And I was terrified of him finding out the truth right then. There was probably a far worse penalty for touching a Miko and being male.

            "No, no, I'm just...I have jet-lag." I covered up lamely.

            "Jet...lag?" Saihitei obviously had no idea what I was talking about. "Should I send for the doctor?"

            "I'll live." I picked up my cup of tea and sipped from it. 

            "What's the last thing you remember before you disappeared?" Saihitei jumped to proposed topic of conversation.

            "That I was tired." I blushed, remembering I had fallen asleep in his arms. What a weird thing to recall. "I just fell asleep."

            "And right before you arrived?" Saihitei questioned. I had a sudden image of him dressed up like a detective and tried not to start giggling.

            "I...fell asleep." Something clicked in my head. "I must...come here in my sleep! When I woke up from being here, I was in the hospital and they told me that I had been there the whole time, just passed out! I must travel here in dreams! But it feels real."

            "Dreams are the gateways to other worlds." Saihitei spoke, sounding very much like a self-help poster. "Have you ever visited another world before?"

            "I...don't think so." I shrugged. "I think I would remember something like that." 

            "It does seem like an extraordinary event to forget, unless of course you thought it was a dream." He said the last part to himself more then to me. He was thinking of something and looked faraway. I wondered briefly what that was but quickly he regained his composure. "I shall give you a grand tour of the palace." Saihitei stood. "Would you like to see it?"

            "Okay!" I hopped up. 

            The palace was pretty big. We went through the palace first; he showed me where the main halls were and the kitchens ("You may ask for anything from them whenever you'd like."). We went by a room with a huge golden statue of Suzaku, where incense was burning. ("This is my private shrine, there's a much larger shrine on the grounds where the Miko live.") Then we went outside, touring the grounds. The gardens were huge. We stopped to sit on a stone bench for a little bit.

            "This is my favorite place." Saihitei put a hand on the bench between us. 

            This may sound weird, but there was something familiar about this place. This bench, something about it, as though I had seen it before. But where? 

            "It's nice." I looked around at the surrounding flowers. It was quite peaceful. "It reminds me of something...but I'm not sure what."

            "It reminds me of something as well." Saihitei gave me a secretive smile that I didn't quite understand. Then we resumed our tour. 

            I saw the training ground where the Guard was hard at work. It was fun to watch them doing fighting styles. One in particular, a blue-haired young man was demonstrating for what looked like guards-in-training a style of martial arts. Then he froze in mid stance. I followed his gaze and saw the Miko Procession going by. He was focused on one in particular. 

            Miaka, who also noticed him staring and went bright red, as did he. 

            _Dun dun DUN! _

_            Okay, not needed there Ryuuen. _

_            Looks like somebody likes a Miko, which is obviously a big no-no._

_            But maybe it doesn't matter now...I mean, she can't really be a Miko again._

_            Not that she knows that._

"Ah, you've spotted Kishuku." Saihitei noticed the young man. "He's a master of many styles of martial arts and I'm told an indispensable part of the Guard. He once saved my life from an assassination attempt." 

            "Cool." I looked back at the blue-haired young man. 

            "So what do you think Kourin?" Saihitei gestured towards the palace. "Do you like it?"

            "It's great! I mean, sure it doesn't have running water or electricity but it's still really nice." I began to heap praise on it. "It must be really cool to get to live in a huge palace like that."

            "It _is nice." Saihitei looked wistful. "But...there are things that go along with living in such a place." _

            "Being emperor is probably really hard." I sympathized. "I was once class president and that was a lot of work." That's when I felt it. Somebody shaking me. I turned but no one was there.

            "Ryuuen, honey, get up." My mother's voice told me. 

            "Huh? Mom?" I looked questioningly around. 

            "Kourin?" Saihitei looked concerned but he was growing blurry. 

            "I think...I might...be waking up..." I said slowly but even as I did, the world around me was fading. I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them, I saw my mother's face. 

            "Some of your relatives are here." My mother told me. "You've been sleeping the whole day away." I saw next to her, on my bedside table was a picture of me and Kourin, perfectly framed. A thought dawned on me.

            I hated reality.

            *                                                          *                                                          *

            The plot thickens! Ryuuen's screwed things! Or has he?! And I know, I should be focusing on Ryuuen's world a tad bit more but I promise that the next chapter will be mostly Ryuuen's world. Prepare to be saddened. This fic...woah, sometimes I don't know if it's sad or not. It makes me sad for Ryuuen. Poor Nuriko! I don't mean to be so mean to him, I swear. Please review!


	4. Grief

Yah, fourth chapter! After this, I really have to write a new chapter of Not Permitted because otherwise, I think Teresa's roommate will go into withdrawal symptoms. It's nice having word again so I can update my own stuff, there's more of a sense of accomplishment to it. (I have no idea why.) 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi

Warnings: Angst. Again. (K.O.T.W.A.S.) ßAbsolutely no point in typing that. 

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Four

            In the next couple of days life around me had become more hectic. While in the waking world, relatives came and brought us all sorts of food and comfort. The preparations for the funeral were going well, according to my mom who was trying so hard to be cheerful for me that it almost made me sick. Of course, she had broken down on the phone to the florists shop when remembering Kourin's favorite flowers (dahlias). 

            In the dream world, or Konan, as I found myself calling it, there were also preparations, but mostly for the huge ceremony where they would pick the official Suzaku no Miko. Miaka had told me about this, reminding me that her friend Yui was obviously going to be chosen because no one was better in her studies. 

            I still found myself unable to tell Miaka what had happened. It may be cowardly and dishonest of me but I couldn't bear to shatter her dreams like that. And then I felt a horrible sinking feeling every time I thought of Saihitei's reaction to it. I don't know why that was but it made me feel even worse every time I almost confessed.

            And I wanted to think about something other then the funeral and the relatives and everything that had to do with the real world. I hated being reminded over and over again that Kourin was dead and that she wasn't just going to pop up the next day bouncing around the house. It's strange what you miss about a person.

            I missed chasing her through the house or bugging her while she did homework. I missed the way that there was no one there to try and steal a bite off my plate at mealtimes or how there was no one there who would mess up my hair every morning. Life was completely different without Kourin. Everyone was trying to adjust to it but you could see the strain on everybody. 

            For some reason, or maybe I was just imagining it, most of the relatives spoke in hushed tones about me or to me, as if I was also dead. All the relatives knew how close I was to Kourin and so it was like I had died as well that day in the hospital. My mother had obviously told everyone about my collapse in the hospital because they were always trying to make sure I wasn't standing and that I had something to drink or eat. I didn't eat very much; I didn't do much of anything except stay in my room or sit quietly in a corner by myself, away from everyone.

            My mother had told me not to feel alone but I couldn't help it. I felt like I'd be sad forever, that nothing could ever cheer me up. She had given me my birthday presents and I couldn't bear to open them at first. When I did, I saw she had gotten me all the things I had asked for. If only Kourin was there to appreciate it as well. 

            Life in Konan was distracting me enough that I couldn't wait for night to come so I could see the preparations and sincerely hoped I didn't miss such an important ceremony. Saihitei was often away and always apologized for his absences, not that he needed to, he was emperor of a country after all. But when he was around, I felt somehow at peace. 

            The day of the funeral was one of the hardest in my life. I watched them lower the coffin into the grave, which I knew contained my once lively sister and I cried so hard that I fell to my knees. My mother tried to comfort me but I didn't feel it. I felt like there was someone who could comfort me more but they were the one I was crying for. I threw my red rose into the grave with the others. Then my parents led me away. I felt like some doll that had to be told what to do or otherwise I would just stand there. It was true. I felt like I might be sick myself and that if I lay down, I could die peacefully. 

            It was after the funeral that made me so upset. My relatives all trying unwanted attempts to make me laugh or smile. Rokou kept coming and going, checking on me like he was my nurse or something. It was sort of endearing. 

            Mom had just gotten me a piece of cake, even though I hadn't asked for any when Rokou came up to me with a strange look on his face. Almost like he was scared how I would react to whatever he was about to say. 

            _There's not much more the world can do to me now…_

"Listen, Ryuuen…" Rokou hesitated and then went on. "Kourin's friend is here. The one who carried her…the one who was with her that night. He wants to meet you. He knew that you and Kourin were really close." 

            I opened my mouth to say yes, I would like to meet him. Thank him and all that. But I couldn't. I didn't want to see him. He had survived and she had died. How was that fair? I'm not sure I actually wished that Kourin had been the one who lived and not this boy that I had never met, who had never done anything to me but I felt anger surging through me.

            _Why couldn't have he have fought with them harder?_

_            Why didn't he tell her to stay away from boys like that?_

And even though it wasn't fair, I wanted to blame him. I shook my head, my mouth pressed together suddenly.

            "No." 

            "What?" Rokou looked at me with an almost pleading look. "Why not?"

            "I don't want to see him!" I stood up angrily, setting down my cake. "I don't want to see _any_ of you!" I whirled out of the kitchen and right up the stairs. Instead of going into my own bedroom, I went into Kourin's. The bed was made. I fell onto it and began to cry. I just buried myself in the pillows and sobbed. 

            The pillows still smelled like Kourin and I wondered when the smell would die as well. I sat up and reached over, pressing play on her cd player. What was the last cd she had been listening to?

            Dido began playing. Kourin loved Dido. I took my hair out of its long braid and picked up one of Kourin's combs. I began to comb my hair out, looking in the mirror. With all my hair down…I did really look just like Kourin. But Kourin like to wear little buns. I parted a section of hair from the rest and gave myself a little bun on top with all the rest of my hair still flowing down in waves. Kourin liked to wear her hair around the house like this. 

            Not really thinking, I walked over to her closet and pulled it open. All her clothes were still there. I pulled out a purple sweater that was always her favorite and traded it for my own shirt. On her, it fit just right, but on me, it was a little tight and didn't quite cover my belly button. I looked into the mirror again and sat down at her vanity. There was the coral lipstick that Kourin had begged mom forever to be able to wear. It was like I was in a trance and couldn't help myself. 

            I was now fascinated by what the mirror was showing me. It was like a grown-up Kourin, it was so confusing to see myself right then. I wondered if maybe I _was_ Kourin and Ryuuen had died that day. 

            The door opened and I swung around, completely snapping out of it when I saw Rokou's stunned face. Of all the things he was expecting, I knew this wasn't one of them. He had just walked into his dead sister's room to see his younger brother dressed up like her. 

            "Ryuuen…" Rokou was obviously trying to think of something to say. I just stood there, wondering if I should say something. 

            "Rokou, did you find—" My mom came into the doorway and stopped short at the sight of me. Her eyes began to fill with tears. I opened my mouth and she ran and hugged me. "Ryuuen!" She began to cry. My mom was crying and I was just standing there still. 

            She ran towards me and began to shake me, "Why…Ryuuen, why?" She asked me and then suddenly hugged me. I hugged her back. "Ryuuen…you can't bring her back…"

            "I…I know that." I pushed her away. Did I really know that? Of course I didn't. Maybe I thought that I could bring Kourin back to life. I didn't really want to talk about it right then.

            "Then why are you still trying to?" My mom asked me softly. 

            "Just leave me alone!" I pushed passed her and Rokou who really did try to stop me but I batted him out of my way and then went into my room. I saw myself in my own mirror. Still dressed like Kourin, almost as if Kourin was popping into my room. 

            _"Hello Ryuuen!" Kourin giggled as she came in._

"Hello Ryuuen!" I tried to imitate her cheerfulness. It didn't sound right. I locked my door so that no one would come in and bother me. 

            _"Then why are you still trying to?"_

I hit my pillows in frustration. They're just being stupid. I was just…well, to tell the truth, I'm not sure what I was doing. If I was pretending to be Kourin in that other world, was it really that bad if I tried to be Kourin in this world? I was starting to confuse myself but then, when it came down to it, if I had to chose between me living and Kourin living, I would pick Kourin. It was only right that Kourin should get to live on through me. 

            I flopped down on my bed and covered my head with the pillows. They were soft and all that I could feel was the pillows and my own warm breath. Who cared about what my family was probably saying right now? 

            _"Ryuuen's cross dressing." _

Cross dressing. Big deal. I really just didn't care right then. I hadn't really ever worn girl's clothes before, other then for some comical reason or when I was in the dream world. I didn't even think about it before. Was it really such a big deal that I was wearing Kourin's clothes? And my hair was up like Kourin's? And wearing Kourin's lipstick? 

            I tried to bury my head under the pillows more, refusing to become a part of reality. What I wanted to do most at that moment was fall asleep. If I fell asleep, I would be in Konan and I wouldn't have to deal with any more relatives talking to me as if it were my own funeral or deal with the fact that Kourin was just _not here_. I wasn't sleepy though so I got up, deciding to take a shower. I had already taken a shower that day but I felt like I needed another one. 

            Striping down, I was almost surprised to see my obviously male body. I shook my head at that. I didn't really understand it. It's hard to understand why I was trying to make Kourin live on but I couldn't help it. I stepped inside the shower, enjoying the hissing hot water that poured down me. As I stood there, just enjoying the water, I noticed something. 

            Something silver that was glaring at me. It was Kourin's razor. I reached out and my fingers wrapped around the slim handle. 

----------------------

            Later, my mom tried to come into my room, knocking on my door and asking if I was hungry, she had made me some soup. Like I was sick. Maybe she thought I was sick. I didn't want to see her face if that's what she thought. I didn't want to see her trying to smile and pretend that everything was okay. After I didn't answer, she left. 

            Rokou also tried to come in, knocking and asking me if I was okay. I yelled that I was fine. I am fine. Why does everyone just assume something's wrong? Maybe something was right. 

            I glanced down at my jean clad legs. Underneath there, they were completely smooth. 

            _I don't understand what's happening…I don't understand…_

_            Why can't Kourin be alive? _

_            Why does she have to be dead?_

A tear rolled down my face as I looked at myself in the mirror. My hand went to touch the mirror's reflection and thinking that perhaps, somewhere on the other side of that mirror, everything was okay. 

            I wished I could be Kourin, so that she wasn't dead. I quietly lay down on my bed and wished very hard I was in Konan. 

            Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I opened my eyes and I was on that bench that Saihitei liked so much, the one in his gardens. My loose long hair, which I hadn't put back up since my shower fell around me as I started to sit up. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them up, for a moment, I saw a little boy crying in the rain. 

            _"No one else who will see me…the real me…" _

Then I realized that it wasn't raining and that it was near evening. There wasn't a little boy around.

            _Could it have been…a memory?_

_            But…I don't see how. I've never been here with a little boy. He looked very familiar, like I've met him before…_

"Kourin?" I looked up to see Saihitei standing there. "Ah, you made it." He smiled at me. 

            "Made it to what?" I inquired.

            "The Choosing." Saihitei reminded me. "It's going to start soon." 

            "Take that for spectacular timing." I tried to put on a big cheerful smile. Saihitei was not fooled.

            "Is something wrong?" He sat down next to me. 

            "No, of course not." I made it sound ridiculous. "Nothing's wrong."

            "You just…seem…" Saihitei hesitated, looking for the right word. 

            "I said nothing's wrong! Why won't anyone listen to me?" I snapped at him. I saw his slightly hurt, surprised look. He quickly tried to compose himself.

            "If nothing's wrong, it's not even my place to ask…" Saihitei trailed off in an apologetic tone. I felt immediately bad. Saihitei didn't know. He didn't know all that much about what was going on in my world. 

            "I'm sorry…my…my sister died and…no one understands." I said slowly. 

            There was a pause before Saihitei spoke, obviously not sure what to say to me, "I once lost someone close to me." I looked up at him. "My mother and though others were sad…they didn't understand what I had truly lost." 

            "What did you lose?" I asked, feeling even worse. Maybe Saihitei _could _understand what it felt like and I wasn't thinking about that. 

            "The last person who saw me as a person and not just the emperor." Saihitei closed his eyes for a moment.

            _"The real me…"_

"I'm sorry." I apologized. "I'm just…I shouldn't be taking it out on you. I'm being stupid."

            "No, I understand." Saihitei said quickly.

            "Before…when your mom died, what did you do?" I asked hesitantly. I was looking for guidance in a subject that had none to offer.

            He just looked at me for a few moments, almost as if he was trying to weigh and measure what he was about to say. I wondered if I had just asked a question that was too personal to answer.

            ""I cried." Saihitei began, his mouth set in a determined line. "If I remember correctly, it was raining the day of her funeral. I was surrounded by hundreds of loyal subjects, all mourning with me but I've never felt more alone. I ran to the gardens to this exact bench. My mother always sat here. I suppose I was hoping that by some miracle, she would be there, waiting for me."

            "I know what that's like." I murmured.

            "I was crying when a boy came and comforted me." Saihitei looked up, catching my eye. "I know that boy was comforting me as a person and even though he disappeared after that, I never forgot him."

            "That's sad that you didn't ever see him again. You don't even know his name." I put a hand on Saihitei's arm in a gesture of comfort. I was surprised when one of his hands went over mine.

            "I do know his name." Saihitei smiled a very genuine sort of smile. "He told me."

            "Yeah?" I smiled back.

            "It was Ryuuen."

            My jaw dropped and I pulled back in surprise. "Ryuuen?!" I couldn't help it. Saihitei gave me a weird, curious sort of look. "I mean, uh…so that ceremony! That's gonna start real soon."

            "Yes it will." There was a slightly disappointed light in his eyes. He stood up, gathering his robes. "You know…I may not be the best person for this job but if you need someone to talk to or just listen for that matter, I would like you to feel free to come to me."

            "I flashed him a grin. "Yeah, okay." 

            _Yeah, Saihitei, I'm a guy who cross dresses as his sister because I can't deal with her death. _

But it was still nagging at me. A boy named Ryuuen had comforted Saihitei when he was little. Bit of a coincidence. And then disappeared.

            _Almost like how I just disappear when I wake up…_

_            So…it could have been me!_

_            "The real me…" _

Was that weird sort of memory actually from a time before where I had visited this world?

            _I could tell him._

I glanced over at Saihitei who was walking along with me towards what was unofficially my room, obviously to put on nice clothes for the ceremony. But then I was faced with that problem again of telling him that I was a guy. And I couldn't do it. 

            _I'm such a coward…but I can't bring myself to tell him._

We gave each other our see-you-laters and then Houki was excited to see me and while I got dressed and she fixed my hair, she wanted me to tell her more stories from my world. I started to tell her the Chronicles of Narnia until a gong sounded. 

            "Oh! The ceremony!" Houki's face dropped. "When it's over, will you tell me more about this Digory and Polly?" I assured her I would.

            When I got to the ceremony, I saw Saihitei on the other side and he beckoned for me to come and join him. I was trying to make my way over there when I ran into somebody. 

            Scrolls and ink wells flew into the air and came crashing back down. Surprisingly, I didn't get any ink on myself, but the other person did. He had light brown hair and was probably about thirteen years old from the looks of him. 

            "I'm terribly sorry." He apologized as he tried to grab papers and clean up the mess. Several people came to help him and I helped him up. "Really, horribly sorry." 

            "It's okay." I told him. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

            "Nor was I." The boy told me. "You must be the Lady Kourin! From another world!" I nodded. "Perfect! After this ceremony is over, I must begin my study of you and your other world. You must tell me all about it and not leave out a single detail." 

            "Um…" I wasn't sure how to react to this. "It's not really all that interesting of a place."

            "I think it is." The boy had a glazed over dreamy look in his eyes. Then he blinked and seemed to come back to reality. "I'm Oo Doukun." He stuck out a hand around his scrolls. Quickly, I shook it for fear that he would drop all those scrolls again.

            "I'm Chou Kourin." I introduced myself. I saw Saihitei watching the affair with curious eyes. "I've got to go but I'm sure I can tell you about my world if you really want to know." 

            "Really?" Doukun looked like I was telling him I'd give him three wishes. "That's great! Yes, I'll see you after the ceremony." And then he went on his way again. 

            "Hey Saihitei." I greeted him as I arrived. "Did I miss anything?"

            "No, the ceremony is about to start." Saihitei had a person move over so that I could stand next to him. I had a clear view of a dais with a fire burning in what looked to me like a big oversized cup. There was a miko standing on the dais with a scroll in her hand. 

            All the miko-in-training, including Miaka were facing her in a semi-circle. I knew how the ceremony worked after it was explained to me. The miko on the dais was the Suzaku no Miko and to give up her title she had to throw the scroll in the air (apparently, this scroll would never open and no one could read it) and Suzaku would guide the scroll into the hands of one of the miko-in-training. I thought it sounded rather like the part of the wedding where the bride threw her bouquet and was entertained with a sudden mental image of the miko getting into a free-for-all over it. 

            The Suzaku no Miko threw the scroll into the air. Everything was silent as it went up and for a moment, paused in mid air and there was a flash of red light. I leaned forward in anticipation. Miaka, who had told me repeatedly that Yui was a shoo-in for the position, looked up and saw me. 

            I instantly thought of how I had ruined it for her. She would never be the Suzaku no Miko because she had touched a man. 

            _Sorry Miaka. _

            She flashed me a grin and I think she was about to wave when it happened. 

            All the other miko-in-training had their hands out to catch the scroll. Miaka didn't. Miaka also wasn't expecting it so the scroll fell and nailed Miaka in the head. There were gasps all around. 

            Miaka sat up and looked at the scroll, which she now had in her hands. 

            "I-I'm the Suzaku no Miko?!" Miaka goggled at the scroll. 

-----------------------

            Yeah, so, kind of a cliffhanger! Yahhhhhhhh! I finally finished this chapter. It was going sort of slow for me. Well, now the storyline is really going to start to pick up and all that. ^_^. Please review, I love feedback. 


	5. Legends

Hey thanks for the great reviews guys! It made me go, "AHHHHHHH! I need to update more on this story!" So I have my mocha Starbucks thingies and a certain urge to write. (I got the urgeeeeeeeee to type!) ^_^. I'm ready to go! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. 

Warnings: Angst, stuff, um…hmmm…

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Five 

            Miaka looked was staring at the scroll as if it were some foreign object. She still seemed beside herself with surprise that had just been picked. To tell the truth, so was I. I had figured that since I had touched Miaka, it could never be her because if Suzaku was real then he would know what had happened.

            But there she was with the scroll.

            "Yui…" Miaka looked up at her friend. Yui suddenly turned and fled from the room. Several of the miko-in-training were looking at Miaka with contempt. I turned and ran past lots of people, having to hitch up my skirts to run properly. I was sure I heard Saihitei call after me. 

            I found the stairs and it was only a short trip before I was on the ground level, running past the miko-in-training and right to Miaka. 

            "Hey, what do you have that weird face on for?" I asked her, almost out of breath. "You're the Suzaku no Miko."

            "But I'm not _supposed_ to be the Suzaku no Miko." Miaka bit her lip. "Yui is and now I feel _awful_…" 

            I was the one who felt awful. I still hadn't told Miaka the truth because I was afraid. Then something else happened that no was expecting.

            The clasp that they said had never been open came undone and the scroll opened. Miaka's jaw was dropped and looked less like a responsible Suzaku no Miko and more like a deer in the headlights. 

            "I-I…" She trailed off and then tried to close it. "I didn't know! I didn't know it would do that! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" 

            The attendants of the Miko came rushing over and several of the miko in training were now standing there in awe at Miaka. 

            "The sacred writings…" I heard one of them breathe. "They're being revealed for the first time!"

            "Could it be that Miaka is the greatest Suzaku no Miko there ever was? Has Suzaku especially touched her?" One of the other girls murmured. 

            "What does it say? Somebody read it!" Someone called for it. I looked to my side and saw that Saihitei had arrived next to me without noticing. The miko-in-training gave him a wide berth although some were looking at him with great interest. 

            "The Miko should read it!" Someone else suggested. 

            "Oh…um…" Miaka's brow furrowed as she looked at the ancient kanji. "Hmmm…this is a little confusing."

            "What does it say?" Saihitei asked. Miaka jumped, not having realized that he was there.

            "Emperor Saihitei!" Her wide hazel eyes went as big as they could be. "O-of course." Miaka went studying the characters as best she could. "It says that when the kingdom of Konan is in its darkest hour, a Miko will be chosen and so will seven seishi that will be given Suzaku's power." 

            "Seven seishi?" The miko in training were all giving each other bewildered faces, as if one of them knew the answer to this.

            "That's what it says." Miaka nodded as she puzzled over the ancient characters. "It says that this dark hour will come and the first sign…" She hesitated. "Is the scroll opening." 

            "Who are these seven seishi?" Saihitei inquired. 

            "Um…they're the seven constellations." Miaka squinted in concentration. "Tamahome, Chiriko, Chichiri, Tasuki, Mitsukake, Hotohori, and Nuriko." 

            As soon as I heard that last name, I got the strangest feeling in my chest. I don't know what it was but there was some odd warm feeling. I looked over at Saihitei who was looking at me with an expression I knew mirrored my own.

            _Did Saihitei also feel something? _

_            It's like I know that name…like maybe I've heard it before somewhere._

"We have to find these seishi at once!" Someone called out and there was so much rushing around that I forgot to ask Saihitei anything before I myself was rushed off to my own rooms. Apparently plans were being made to find the seishi as quick as possible. 

            Some ancient scroll with prophetic contents. What are the odds?

            _You travel to a different world. Don't even start about odds._

_            Oh. Hmm, forgot about that._

When I got back to my rooms, Houki was there, rather excited to see me. First she wanted to know all about what had happened because already the servants and maids were already telling each other, so the news was traveling pretty fast that something out of the ordinary happened. 

            Houki seemed pretty interested in the parts that involved Saihitei but I wasn't sure she heard the rest. I wasn't sure what was going on outside my room and I had no idea whether I was supposed to wait there or not.

            "Lady Kourin?" A voice asked from outside. 

            "Yes?" I stood up. 

            "The emperor requests your presence in his chambers." The male voice told me. 

            "Well, duty calls." I joked for Houki and then left to follow some guy to Saihitei's room. The warm evening air passed over my face and I watched fireflies flitting from place to place.

            The doors to Saihitei's chambers opened and inside looked like a war council. Saihitei was sitting at the head of his table with Miaka, flanked before several miko-in-training were sitting at his left. Advisors weren't actually seated at the table but standing all around. 

            Saihitei looked up and saw me and gestured towards his right side. The advisors looked a bit peeved by this as I sat down on his right side, crossing my legs. 

            "Kourin, you remember the prophecy that Miaka read out loud at the ceremony just now, do you not?" Saihitei asked me. 

            "Unless you think I suffer from short-term memory loss." I quirked an eyebrow. 

            "We think you might be one of the seven seishi." Saihitei told me. "After all, you do appear in our world as if by some holy power." 

            "It says the seishi will be marked by Suzaku." Miaka glanced down at the scroll. "And if you are, that'll be a big help, 'cause then I'll only have to find six more. And then we can save the kingdom."

            "You make it sound so simple." I shrugged. "I don't think I'm one of these seven seishi. I don't have any markings."

            "We'd like to have some maids…check." Saihitei hesitated. It took me a little bit to figure out what he was saying. 

            _But if maids check…_

_            You wouldn't have this problem if you had just told the truth from the get go._

_            This is your own fault._

"I'm not of the seishi." I put in again. "It would just be a waste of time to check. Don't you think I would have seen something by now if I was one?" 

            "I guess she has a point." Miaka blinked her large eyes. "I hope we didn't bother you Lady Kourin."

            "'s okay." I shrugged. "It's not like I was doing anything terribly important at the moment." 

            "I suppose the Suzaku no Miko would like to get to bed." Saihitei nodded towards Miaka. "We can discuss this further in the morning." 

            "Okay!" Miaka nodded her head, looking a lot younger and carefree then the very important Suzaku no Miko. 

            "We will retire then." The advisors bowed out after Miaka and the miko in training that were with her. 

            "Are you going to retire as well Kourin?" Saihitei turned towards me. 

            "Nah." I shook my head. "I'm not really tired." 

            "Shall we go for a walk then?" Saihitei asked me pleasantly. "I think the night air would definitely agree with me."

            "Okay." I was about to get up when I saw that Saihitei was offering me a hand up. I blinked my large rose eyes at him. I took the hand and Saihitei had me on my feet in no time. 

            _It was strange…and yet gentle…_

We went outside, walking out into the grounds and along a well swept path. In front of us I saw sparkling from the moonlight. It was water. A river and a gazebo sitting along the riverside. 

            _Heh, it's like some romantic getaway._

I glanced over at Saihitei and he had a content little smile on his face, as though he couldn't think of a single place he would rather be. 

            _That's kind of weird. _

_            Wait…a second…_

_            Romantic gazebo on the river. Two people. By themselves. _

_            Oh. No. _

Now I didn't know what to do and so I began to grow nervous. Maybe Saihitei was thinking…who knows what he was thinking?! What if I was just being paranoid? But then, there was a lot of stuff to justify my paranoia.

            _He thinks you're a girl after all…_

_            And you do look like Kourin…and Kourin was a very pretty girl…_

I rubbed my hands together as we got to the gazebo. Saihitei sat down on a bench that was overlooking the river. His gaze focused on something across the river and his silvery-gray locks shining in the moonlight, his yellow eyes seemed so faraway and sad…

            I wanted to know what he was thinking. I just stood there and stared at him for a few moments. 

            _He's really…well, beautiful. _

My eyes grew round. What was I thinking? I was a boy after all. Maybe I was getting into this whole being Kourin thing a little too much. But then, I guess, I've never really thought about stuff like that before. I had never really had crushes on girls but then I thought maybe I just hadn't met the right one. Plus, I didn't think of myself as very attractive and so it didn't bother me that much that I wasn't surrounded by girls. 

            I sat down next to him, wondering what I should do. 

            _So I find him attractive. It's only natural, he's not bad-looking and he's kind and…well, I mean, I just need to be a mature individual right now._

_            Okay, big problem there Ryuuen. _

_            Which is?_

_            It doesn't matter if you like him because if Saihitei does like you, he likes the girl you. Not Ryuuen, Kourin. _

"Sometimes during the rain season, this river swells and is very dangerous. But now it is calm." Saihitei smiled and turned towards me. "Sometimes when I think back really far I can remember someone telling me my mother was like this river. Tranquil but at times, an unstoppable force." 

            "I bet she was really cool." I leaned over the railing to see better.  I looked over at Saihitei who was smiling at me. 

            "She was a good woman. She's up in the heavens now." Saihitei looked up. "Maybe she's watching right now." I looked up too. Maybe Kourin was up there somewhere. 

            "That's nice to think about." I closed my eyes, enjoying the slight wind blowing. 

            _If Kourin was watching right now…what would she say?_

"Perhaps you are really from the heavens yourself…" Saihitei murmured and I opened my eyes to see him staring at me in a sort of wonder. "Suzaku sent you to us, for what purpose I don't know…but I'm glad that he did."

            My eyes were staring up at his and for a moment, the whole rest of the world melted away. I didn't hear the river lapping against the shores or the sounds of insects. I didn't hear the distant sounds of the palace. I couldn't see the stars and the moon. All that was there were Saihitei and his amber eyes. 

            _What is it that he's seeing? _

_            What can he hear?_

_            Or is it all gone for him as well? _

I opened my mouth to say something, maybe it was a question, I don't know. It didn't matter because at that exact moment, the whole world really did begin to fade. Saihitei seemed to snap out of his trance and grabbed my arm. But I faded away, and I was gone.

            My eyes opened as rays of sunlight filtered into my room. I could still feel his hand on my arm. 

            Why had he reached out like that? 

            I stared at one of my hands. Maybe this life was a dream. I turned to see a picture of Kourin smiling and looking so happy. 

            Maybe this life was a nightmare. At that point, I wasn't really sure. 

-------------------

            Sorry the chapter isn't really long. ^_^. Next chapter, stuff will happen, I swear! I just keep getting caught up with focusing on the characters and then I realize I need to go forward with the plot. I guess I want you guys to get to know Ryuuen, at least get to know the Ryuuen I write. ^_^. Important stuff will happen next chapter. And Tamahome will come back for more then an honorable mention! Woo. Please review! And sorry it took so long to update. 


	6. Warrior

I'm having one of those update marathons. It's like, "Everything must be updated, NOW!" Which includes this story. I feel like I neglect this story sometimes. Mostly because I so badly want to write it well that I think I'm hesitant about producing chapters. Well, I'm gonna shut up now because I bet you want to read the damn story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. 

Warnings: Minor cussing. Cool stuff happens!

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Six 

            I went downstairs for breakfast where my parents were drinking coffee and looking rather serious. I tried to ignore that as I went about putting a bagel in the toaster. I could tell they wanted to talk to me. I don't know how I knew, I just did. After all, I was now Ryuuen, the son who dressed like the dead daughter.

            "Ryuuen…" My mother began first and when I turned I saw she was biting her lip. "Why don't you come sit down for a moment?"

            "Okay." I shrugged. My dad took a long drink of his coffee, cleared his throat, and then he took a deep breath. 

            I wondered if they had rehearsed this before or at least discussed exactly what they were going to say because it sounded as though they were trying to read a script but forgetting the clever words of the play and had to replace them with their own hesitations. 

            "Ryuuen, I understand that this has been very hard for you." My dad looked at me. "It's been hard on all of us. Your mother and I and Rokou…well, we all…we feel as though…you're isolating yourself from the rest of us."

            "We're a family." My mother took over. "And we love you very much. But maybe you don't know how to express your emotions to us so we can understand exactly what you're going through."

            "We were thinking, perhaps…you'd like to talk about it with someone else." My dad was looking almost nervous now. "Someone…that isn't involved…"

            It just clicked.

            I knew exactly what my parents were trying to say. They wanted to help me. But they didn't understand. They didn't want to understand, they wanted me to go and tell someone else. I didn't want that kind of understanding.

            "You want me to see a shrink?" I asked in an accusatory tone.

            "Talking with a psychiatrist might help." My mother could see I wasn't taking this well. 

            "That's right, I'm going loony. A cross dressing LOONY!" I slammed my hands down on the table. My eyes shut tight. 

            _"I would like you to feel free to come to me."_

"Nobody said—" My mother began in protest.

            "You didn't even _try _to understand! Just decided to ship me off to a shrink. 'Wow that solved our problems.'" I imitated them, glaring at them. 

            "Ryuuen! That is _not_—" My dad tried to get in but I jumped up.

            "My bagel's finished." I cut in lamely. I just didn't want to talk about it. Both my parents opened their mouth to say something but seemed to forget what they were going to say.  I went to get my bagel and my mother did speak. 

            "The school called…they were hoping you could start coming again next week." My mother spoke in a quiet voice; as if afraid she would upset me further. "Is that alright Ryuuen?"

            "It's fine." I shrugged and then left. As I did, I heard the quiet sound of my mom trying to cover up the fact that she had begun to cry. 

            _I made her cry…_

_            I'm hurting them all so much…but I'm so hurt…_

_            What do I do? _

_            I can't let anyone in right now…Not now…_

--------------------------

            After a day of avoiding the family again, I found I just wanted to go to sleep forever. Maybe if I slept long enough, I would just fade completely into that other world. Away from my grief and pain. 

            _Fade away completely…_

This time I found myself in my room with Houki who was an interesting shade of white. ("You just appeared out of nowhere!") I quickly changed and Houki went about doing my hair but I wasn't really concerned about it. 

            After that, I went to see what Saihitei was up to but a guard told me that he was in a very important meeting with his advisors and I would have to wait 'til after. I decided to take a walk and found myself thinking about what my parents had said. I knew that psychiatrists weren't just for loonies but for some reason I had just gotten so angry.

            That was before one of the miko in training stopped me. Her eyes were wide with worry and she was wringing her hands.

            "Please, Lady Kourin, have you seen the Suzaku no Miko?" She asked. 

            "Um…no." I answered. Was Miaka missing? "Why? Is something wrong?" 

            "No one can seem to find her." The miko in training answered. "I'm…well, to tell you the truth Lady Kourin, I think she might have gone…out there." The miko in training looked behind me at the walls and gates of the palace and its grounds. 

            "Why would she do that?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

            "Because…Yui's sick. And we were talking about how we needed a special herb that only grows in the fields outside of town." The miko in training looked like she might start crying. "And the Suzaku no Miko…we told her to just wait until we could send someone to go get them but…she and Yui are really close…I think she might have run off to go get herbs."

            "Well, maybe she'll be alright." I tried to think reasonably. The Suzaku no Miko was a high religious position so the people probably wouldn't harm her. 

            "But if a man touches her!" The miko in training protested. "She'll be desecrated!"

            _It's a little too late for that…_

_            But Miaka shouldn't be out there by herself. _

"Is something going on here?" A male voice asked us. I turned to see the blue-haired man, Kishuku standing there. 

            "The Suzaku no Miko!" The miko in training had taken a step back almost instinctively. "We can't find her and we think she might have run off to get herbs for Yui—"

            "Where?" Kishuku questioned sharply. 

            "The fields south of town." The miko in training informed him. 

            "Then let's get going!" I raised a hand in the air. 

            "Lady Kourin, you might want to stay here…" Kishuku hesitated. "If there's any danger…"

            This may sound weird but I really felt like I should go. It was important that I go. And maybe, if I can protect Miaka, then it'll make up for touching her. 

            "I want to go. And you can't make me stay!" I amended as though that would settle the argument. "Come on, we can't stay here arguing." Kishuku gave me a look that clearly told me he didn't know what to make of me. 

            "Fine, let's go." Kishuku turned towards the miko in training. "Could you go inform the guards that Lady Kourin and I are going out to find the Suzaku no Miko?"

            "Of course!" The miko in training nodded and took off. Kishuku led me towards the stables where we got on his horse. I had to ride side-saddle because of my skirts and had my arms around Kishuku's waist so I wouldn't end up falling off the horse. 

            People cleared out of our way as the horse charged down the streets. Kishuku seemed to know where we were going. I sincerely hoped that Miaka was alright. I hoped there was a mistake and Miaka would end up being in the palace, forgetting to tell anyone where she was. 

            _Why didn't she tell anyone where she was going?_

Fear rose up in me as I saw Miaka's large innocent green eyes began to blend together with a pair of large rose-colored eyes.

            _Kourin…_

_            We've got to find her…_

_            Before…it happens again…_

There were woods but Kishuku said the fields were just beyond them. Just as the woods ended, Kishuku stopped his horse suddenly. 

            "There's Miaka…" His voice changed, like he was admiring something. I looked up and indeed Miaka was there, sitting in the field and gathering herbs in a small basket she had with her. 

            Then I saw them, three men who were sneaking up quietly on Miaka. Kishuku and I were both off the horse as fast as possible. Kishuku started running towards her and I tried to do the same and ended up tripping over my skirts. 

            _Ryuuen to the rescue…_

"Miaka! Look out!" Kishuku went running towards her and Miaka looked up at him in surprise and then turned to see the men. One of them jumped towards her, probably to grab her and Miaka flung herself aside just as Kishuku bounded to the spot between her and the men. 

            "Well look at this, boys, a regular knight in shining armor." One of them joked towards the others. The one nearest to Kishuku tried to reach around him and grab at Miaka who was still sitting on the ground. 

            Kishuku grabbed the man's hand and twisted it behind the man. 

            "Don't lay a finger on her!" He said fiercely and then something happened. It was like a wind ruffled his long blue bangs and then a symbol appeared on his forehead, burning brightly. He flung the man aside.

            I was running there just in time. The two others went towards Kishuku and then the other man yelled and more men appeared. This was not good. 

            _I've got to help Miaka and Kishuku._

I didn't understand Kishuku's symbol but I guess I wasn't really focusing on that. I don't think Kishuku had even noticed it yet. But a man was going for Miaka and I planted myself in front of her. 

            Now, I'm not much of a fighter. But I knew I had to do _something_. I balled up my fist and punched the guy with all my might. 

            Something felt very warm on my chest at that same moment. I looked down to see something glowing within my robes. I looked at the guy I had punched. He had hit a tree a good twenty yards away. 

            _What is this? _

The next guy that rushed at me, I grabbed him by the shirt, and he was as light as a feather as I threw him. 

            _It's like a super power…_

_            What's that glowing? _

I heard sounds of people fighting behind me; I didn't know how Kishuku was doing. I turned to see he had a bit of collection going with beat up men. I found myself tossing men aside left and right. Then I saw that there were no more. 

            Kishuku and I looked at each other. Miaka was staring at us with wide eyes. Kishuku's symbol was still glowing and I guessed that the glowing from inside my robes came from a symbol as well.

            "Tamahome!" Miaka exclaimed. "You're Tamahome! One of the Suzaku no Shichiseishi!" 

            "And Lady Kourin…" Tamahome pointed at me in a daze. I moved my robes just enough to reveal a red symbol glowing on part of my chest, near my heart. 

            "Nuriko." Miaka beamed. "You _are_ a seishi!"

            "I had no idea." I was amazed. How could I be a legend? I was Chou Ryuuen; a boy from another world who everyone thought was a girl. Why would I be chosen and marked by a god?

            "Neither did I." Kishuku scratched his head. "So we're supposed to protect the Suzaku no Miko?" 

            "Yes." Miaka nodded eagerly.

            "Well as my first act as a seishi, WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUTSIDE THE PALACE WALLS?!" I yelled at her. "WHAT IF YOU HAD DIED?!"

            "I'm sorry…" Miaka's eyes began to well up. "I'm really sorry but Yui was sick and I wanted to get the herbs for her myself…I feel so bad about the whole Choosing ceremony. Everyone really thought it would be her. And it was me instead." 

            "It's not your fault." Kishuku told her comfortingly. He looked for a moment like he might put a hand on her shoulder but seemed to realize that he couldn't and let his hand drop down. 

            _Because you haven't said anything…_

_            Your dishonesty may cause a lot of unhappiness._

"Lady Kourin!" Miaka pointed behind me. "Look out!" I whirled around but I ended up falling over on the hem of my dress.

            _Urgh, good job Ryuuen. Best seishi ever._

One of the men loomed over me with a knife. 

            _He's going to stab me…like Kourin…they stabbed her…_

I completely lost my head and was just staring at him. Kishuku had instinctively moved in front of Miaka and was about to help me when someone else stepped in.

            "Kourin!" The familiar voice yelled and suddenly I saw that the man was gurgling as someone had just run him through with a sword. The man dropped and I looked up to see Saihitei standing there, looking incredibly cool posed with his sword. 

            "Saihitei!" I exclaimed because not only was I surprised to see him but something was glowing on Saihitei's neck. Something red. Another symbol.

            _Is everyone a seishi?!_

_            Well there are supposed to be seven…_

"Hotohori!" Miaka looked so excited I thought she was going to start dancing. "That's three! I only have to find four more!" 

            "Hotohori…do you mean…?" Hotohori looked like he was trying to look at his symbol. Then he saw me, still on the ground and helped me to my feet. "Three? Then…Kishuku? And…Kourin?"

            "We had no idea." Kishuku admitted and I nodded as well. "I wondered why they just appeared."

            "Probably because you were protecting the Suzaku no Miko who I hear decided to go outside the palace walls by herself." Saihitei raised his eyebrows at Miaka who looked down at her feet. 

            "I'm Tamahome." Kishuku pointed at the red symbol which had faded to a regular red and was no longer glowing. "And Lady Kourin's Nuriko." 

            "But then why did yours show up?" I asked Saihitei. "You weren't protecting Miaka."

            "I suppose it was because I was protecting a fellow Suzaku no Shichiseishi." Saihitei seemed to be rather calm even though he had just discovered he was a holy warrior. 

            "I'm so glad you were one of them Lady Kourin." Miaka smiled. 

            "You can call me Kourin." I prompted her. "I'm not really a lady…" 

            _In all senses…_

"Or Nuriko!" Miaka cheered. "I'm glad you two are seishi as well." She beamed at them and Kishuku gave her a smile with his eyes glittering and Miaka went rather pink in the face. 

            "I suggest we get back to the palace." Saihitei suggested. "We need to discuss our plans to find the other seishi." 

            "I only have my horse." Kishuku told Saihitei. "Did you come on a horse?"

            "Yes…" Saihitei's brow creased. "I suppose Kourin and Miaka could ride on them and we could walk."

            "Maybe we should all walk." Kishuku seemed to be thinking. "In case anything else happens." 

            "Agreed." And with that, we all trekked back to the palace. 

---------------------

            Back at the palace, even though I looked rather disheveled, Saihitei insisted we all dine together. When Miaka entered the room, I noticed Kishuku's eyes light up almost instantly. 

            _Somebody has a crush on Miaka._

I glanced at Saihitei but saw that he was looking at me and I felt my face heat up a little. 

            "I'm starving!" Miaka announced and as soon as we were all sitting down and the food was there, Miaka began to dig in with such enthusiasm that the rest of us just stared at her. 

            "Very healthy appetite." I remarked weakly. 

            "I guess so." Kishuku agreed. 

            "To get to the matter at hand," Saihitei began to calmly eat his food. "I think that none of the other seishi probably know that they're seishi."

            "But we found out because of protecting Miaka." Kishuku commented. "And fellow seishi." 

            "Precisely." Saihitei nodded. "We may have to go look for the other seishi. They could be anyone." 

            "They'll be drawn together by Suzaku." Miaka stopped eating to say. "After all, isn't it amazing that all three of you arrived in time?" 

            "Miaka's got a point." I took a bite of food. 

            "I would still feel better if we found the others quite soon…" Saihitei's brow furrowed. "The truth is that Kutou's forces have become rather hostile and there are reports of skirmishes along the border." Saihitei saw the blank look on my face. "Kutou is the kingdom to the east." 

            "Gotcha." I nodded. "So we want to find all the seishi before a war breaks out?"

            "I suggest we send soldiers to the borders." Kishuku quickly put in his opinion. "Try to keep everything under control and then, I think we should be very careful when traveling with the Suzaku no Miko. The word of what happened and the seishi may already have traveled to Kutou." 

            "Very careful." Saihitei nodded. "We'll begin to make preparations immediately. I'll leave a council of advisors in charge while I am away." 

            "I'll probably wake up soon so you might wanna wait until I come back." I told Saihitei. 

            "Is it true that you come here when you are asleep?" Miaka looked excited and curious.

            "Yes, we will have to remember Kourin's circumstances." Saihitei didn't seem happy. "I'm sure Suzaku will bring you to us every time." 

            "Yeah, where else would you end up but with us? We're seishi." Kishuku grinned at me. 

            We discussed plans until I faded away from the world and woke up in my bed. I no longer bore the mark of Nuriko. I was just me again. No super strength…no special powers. 

            _I'm just me. Is that really good enough?_

_---------------------------_

            That wasn't so bad now was it? Oh Otakupitcher, I know, I usually catch stuff like that. -_-;;; But sometimes when I'm re-reading I don't even see those things. Thanks for your reviews you guys! They're really appreciated!


	7. Torn

It's around that time again! Updating time! Everyone likes updates. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. 

Warnings: Angst. And stuff. Yeah. Woo, can you tell I'm tired?

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Seven

            The whole prospect of being a legendary warrior, sworn to protect not only a country but a legendary miko took some time to sink in. It made life seem completely different. Once again, I had never been a religious person so the fact that the existence of a god had just been proven to me was kind of weird to think about. It took an additional week of preparations while Saihitei got everything in order. 

            In that time, Kishuku started teaching me martial arts to defend myself with. He told me the strongest fighter in the world could be brought down by a better fighter. So every time I went, Kishuku practically kidnapped me and made me practice. I had to wear boy clothes but no one had guessed that I wasn't a girl. 

            Miaka would watch me and Kishuku practice. Kishuku was the better fighter by far but he had to dodge a lot because I didn't really understand how to control my new found super strength. She'd sit with a couple of miko in training who were always watching out for her as well. The other miko would eye Kishuku as though he was a dangerous animal. They seemed to be happy with me though, I guess because they thought I was a woman.

            Even when I was awake, I could feel the mark of Nuriko burning on my chest. It wasn't there in the real world but I could just feel its presence. Reminding me that I had an important purpose. 

            School was an absolute nightmare. I used to be pretty sociable before but now it was different. People treated me like I had a disease or something. "Don't get too close to Ryuuen, or else you'll catch the disease and your little sister will be murdered too." Maybe it wasn't that bad but that's what it felt like. 

            And the teachers. Gods, someone should tell teachers that they shouldn't try to console the student. I wasn't particularly close to any of my teachers so when they pulled me aside after class and offered their condolences, it felt like they didn't mean it and it was just part of their jobs. 

            I did go to a psychiatrist. Mom told me just to try it and if I really hated it, I didn't have to go back. The woman who sat across from me was overly cheery and kept trying to make conversation. I'd answer in a way that showed I didn't really want to talk to her. 

            "What about your dreams?" She finally asked and my eyes widened. Then I realized it was a general question and she had no idea that my dreams were very odd as of late. After all, I _did _travel to a completely different world. "Any nightmares?" 

            "Not really." I shrugged. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to sleep. 

            "Are you having trouble sleeping?" She questioned. "If you are, I could prescribe some medication that would help you sleep." 

            "I'm not having trouble sleeping." I spoke irritably. She wrote something down on her pad of paper. 

            "Well, how about I just give you a prescription just in case?" She smiled pleasantly. "That way in case you have trouble sleeping, you have them on hand." 

            "I don't care." I was so irritated. I never wanted to come back to visit this woman again. I told my mom as much in the car. She went to go get the prescription filled and as we were waiting for it, she turned towards me. 

            "Are you having trouble sleeping Ryuuen?" My mother asked, looking worried. 

            "No, I told her that I wasn't." I shook my head. That was all that was said on the subject of sleep. If anything, I was eager to sleep. I could stop being reminded about Kourin by everyone and just do my duty as a seishi. 

            The day we set out to find the other seishi was a good one. The sun was up in the air and I had appeared in the air, falling on Kishuku who was trying to pack up the bags in the back of the rather ordinary looking carriage. We were supposed to be traveling incognito, just in case. 

            "Glad you could join us Kourin." Saihitei smiled at me. 

            "I hope I'm not late." I joked. 

            "Actually we're almost ready to go." Miaka had joined us. "The other miko are worried but I convinced them that absolutely nothing bad would happen to me." 

            "We'll make sure of that." Kishuku reassured Miaka and they smiled at each other for a moment before both their faces went bright red. 

            _I'm sure that's all the miko were worried about. _

_            I'm sure it has nothing to do with Kishuku. _

"Your highness, we beg you to take some guards along." One of the advisors bowed to Saihitei. 

            "It's better that we only have four people. How will we make room for the three other seishi if I have guards along on the trip?" Saihitei asked. "No, the three of us will be able to protect the Suzaku no Miko. And Kishuku is one of the guards." 

            "Tamahome, at your service." Kishuku waved from the driver's seat. "I'll be driving so I'll be able to see anyone coming." 

            "It's much better that way." I heard one of the miko whisper to another. "That man is one we cannot trust around the Suzaku no Miko."

            "What about the emperor?" The other one questioned quietly. 

            "An emperor understands the importance of the Suzaku no Miko staying pure. Besides, everyone knows he's very taken with the Lady Kourin." The first miko whispered back. I blushed at this. 

            _Okay, Ryuuen, calm down. It's just a rumor. _

_            And besides, you are a man pretending to be a woman. _

I glanced over at Saihitei who smiled at me and I tried not to blush again. I probably never acted girlier in my life. I didn't really try to be macho ever because I thought guys like that were morons but never have I acted like a complete dork around a guy. 

            Of course, I didn't really know if I was attracted to guys or not. But Saihitei was different somehow. I found myself thinking of him even when I was awake and in my own world. He was beautiful and kind and other people sort of paled in comparison. 

            Basically I was confused over whether or not I was really in love with Saihitei or not. I had no idea. And I didn't know what being in love felt like to compare it with this time to make sure. 

            In short, I was a mixed-up angsty teenager. 

            "Everything's ready to go your highness." Kishuku gave the thumbs up from the driver's seat. 

            "Please drop the titles, we are fellow warriors." Saihitei flipped his ponytail over his shoulder. "What hints does the scroll give us as to where we might find the other seishi?" 

            "Mountain." Miaka had opened the scroll. "We should head towards the mountains." 

            "But aren't the mountains full of bandits?" Kishuku asked. 

            "Maybe the next seishi is being held prisoner." Saihitei's brow furrowed. "Or maybe they live in the mountains. We must brave this danger for the next seishi." 

            "Bandits are no big deal!" I struck a pose to bring everybody's hopes up. "I'll take 'em all out for you!" I flexed my muscles. Miaka giggled at me. 

            "We aren't talking ordinary bandits though." Kishuku pointed to the mountains in the distance. "Those mountains are home to the dreaded Mt. Reikaku bandits." 

            "Hey, we got three legendary warriors on our side." I pointed out. "They just got a bunch of unwashed bandits. I think we have a slight advantage." 

            "But what about Miaka?" Kishuku glanced at the brunette girl. "If any of them even lay a finger on her…"

            "I know that." Miaka stepped forward. "But it's my duty as the Suzaku no Miko to gather the seven Suzaku no seishi and that's more important then anything, right?" 

            _Wow, she looks really serious. _

"That's what Yui would say." She said quietly and something struck me as funny about it. 

            _Are you trying to be the Suzaku no Miko that Yui would have been? _

_            But you aren't Yui. _

_            Um, Ryuuen, I don't think you can talk. _

I was faced with a point. It's funny, people can hand out advice and stuff so easily but they can't take it themselves. Besides, my scenario was different I tried to tell myself. Kourin had died. Kourin was the special one. Kourin is the one who would have been a seishi. 

            _Kourin is worth so much more then me. _

_            Why was it that she had to be the one who died?_

"Are you alright Kourin?" Saihitei put a hand on my shoulder and I looked up. 

            "Yeah…" I trailed off. "I was just thinking." 

            "It's time to leave." He told me. I nodded and waited until after Miaka had climbed into the carriage and then got in next, sitting next to her. Saihitei sat across from us. There was lots of waving and Miaka and Saihitei waved like celebrities. I noticed that when I joined them, Houki was waving back and several people cheered for me. 

            _I keep forgetting that I'm important too now. _

_I'm a Suzaku no seishi. I'm Nuriko._

It was almost like I was a superhero and I had a double identity, which was true. Kishuku cracked the reins and we set off. We began to leave the palace and then the city. Pretty soon we'd be in open country. 

            After awhile, I decided Kishuku was probably lonely up there by himself so I excused myself from Miaka and Saihitei and had Kishuku stop the carriage so that I could come up front. 

            The wind in my face felt refreshing as we went along. Kishuku told me about himself and his big family and how he hoped he could visit them soon. He had sent them a letter about how he was going on a journey and that he was discovered to be Tamahome. 

            "Only my dad knows how to read." Kishuku informed me. "But he's teaching Chuuei, he's the oldest when I'm not there. Chuuei's really smart. I'm hoping he can study at the palace one day. That's what I'm saving up some money on the side for." 

            "That's really neat." I smiled. "You taking care of your family like that." 

            "Don't you take care of your family where you're from?" Kishuku questioned. "But then, I suppose you _are_ a woman and they don't usually have jobs." 

            "It just so happens in my world that a woman can do whatever she wants. She doesn't even have to get married." I informed him haughtily. I remembered that Kishuku was from a world that was stuck in tradition but still. Even if I wasn't a woman, I could still stick up for them. "We do take care of our family, but usually we have more then one person with a job." 

            "When Chuuei's old enough, he can study at the palace and maybe even be an advisor or something one day." Kishuku told me. "Like I said, he's really smart. He's not too bad at fighting either at his age. He could join the Guard." 

            "My brother is thinking about going into business." I saw the blank look on Kishuku's face. "Like…um…a merchant I guess. Thought it's not really the same. He wants to be a boss of a big business so he can make lots of money. And Kourin—" I blushed as I realized my mistake. "I meant, me, sorry. I'm not really sure what I want to do." I wondered if Kishuku was still suspicious but he didn't really look like it. "I guess I'll see when I get out of school." 

            "You go to school?" Kishuku looked surprised. 

            "Yeah, well in my world everyone goes to school." I shrugged. "You kind of have to."

            "I never got to go to school or study." Kishuku looked a bit wistful. "I know how to read and write." 

            "Well you've got the basics. I don't really know _why _I need Algebra 2 in my life but there you go." I saw that we had just entered a forest. It was getting dark. Eventually Saihitei said we should stop the carriage for the night. We all settled down in blankets to sleep. Miaka slept in the carriage; we thought it would just be on the safer side. Kishuku was sleeping very near the carriage and Saihitei and I were a little away from him. 

            I couldn't really sleep though and found myself looking up at the stars. Somewhere up there were the stars of Suzaku. I wondered which one was mine. 

            "Are you awake Kourin?" Saihitei asked after a long silence in which I had assumed everyone else had fallen asleep. 

            "Yeah." I glanced over at him but he was looking up at the stars in the night sky so I looked back up.

            "Anything in particular keeping you up?" He questioned. 

            "Just thinking." I smiled a little. "I'll probably be waking up in my world soon. I hope you guys will be okay without me."

            "We shall eagerly await your return." Saihitei whispered. "Every time you go, I must confess I fear that it will be last time I'll see you." 

            "I'll come back." I promised. "I have to; after all, I'm one of the seishi." 

            "My fear is rather silly." Saihitei joked weakly. 

            "I can understand it." I turned towards him and saw that he was looking at me now, his amber eyes looking as though they were searching my face for something. "You never know when it's the last time you'll see a person." 

            "I suppose you're right." Saihitei looked back up at the stars and so did I. Then something touched my hand which was by my side. It was Saihitei's hand. It was covering my own. It felt so warm and gentle, I couldn't possibly do anything. I froze and tried to think coherently. It relaxed me and before I fell asleep, I remember that I had moved my hand so that our palms were touching. 

            When my alarm clock went off, I was really irritated. I was sleeping and holding Saihitei's hand and what did it do? It went off on me! 

            But then…I was faced with the same dilemma. 

            _Maybe Saihitei does like me like that. _

_            But he thinks I'm a girl._

_            I can't tell anyone the truth now. _

I buried my face in my hands and started crying. It was my own fault. But wasn't it better if Kourin went on being a girl and not some boy named Ryuuen who wasn't the slightest bit important in the grand scheme of things? It felt like my heart was being torn in two. 

            And yet I was somewhat glad that Saihitei thought I was a girl. He wouldn't like me that way if I was a boy. And I did want him to like me, even though I wasn't sure why. 

            _Maybe you are in love with Saihitei…give it up Ryuuen._

_            I just don't know. _

-------------------------

            Wow. Angst. Good job Ryuuen. I'm so mean to Ryuuen even though I loves him. ^_^.! Let's hope that we have some good luck in the future. It just so happens that we might be running into our next seishi in the next chapter. And I'm sure you all know who that is! See you next time! 


	8. Brother

Updating four stories every weekend sure takes a big chunk out of my social life. Or maybe, just the time that _would _be my social life, if I had one. ^_^! And hey thanks for the reviews! Sinful1, I loved your long review! I'm glad that the story has been enjoyable for you. Yeah, I have been trying to give the characters more depth then I feel most people give them credit for and I'm trying hard to focus on both Ryuuen's real world life and the other one. It's kind of difficult though because I'm faced with Ryuuen real world life which is nothing but character time (thinking and all that) but all the "action" is in the other world. So often times I wonder if I'm focusing too much on one world or the other. And thanks for the reassurance about not lagging. I keep wondering if the story is going too slow but I don't want to go too fast either. Don't let anyone tell you writing is easy. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Rokou! And…

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Eight

            That day I was wondering about whether the others had reached the dreaded Mt. Reikaku bandits and hoping that everyone was safe. I tried to tell myself that Miaka would be fine with _two _seishi, but part of me was apprehensive. I found that my thoughts kept going back to Saihitei and hoping he was fine. 

            It turned out it was a Saturday and I had set my alarm clock for no reason. I could have stayed longer in Konan if it hadn't been for that stupid thing. I couldn't get back to sleep which also irritated me so I got up and got ready for the day. 

            I had just been combing my hair after my shower when I heard my mom and dad in the hall. I stopped for a moment, listening hard. 

            "I just think…" My mother was probably biting her lip; I could see it in my head. "It would be best…"

            "We could just pack it all away into storage. We could give the clothes to charity." My father suggested but I knew they were hesitating. What were they talking about? 

            "I'm just worried what Ryuuen will say." My mother confessed. I got up and peered into the hallway. They were standing in front of Kourin's room. Why were they talking about packing it up? "He might not understand why—"

            "What's going on?" I opened my door all the way and stepped out into the hall. My mother's eyes dropped downwards and my father didn't look like he was eager to discuss the situation with me. 

            "We were just talking about maybe packing up Kourin's things for storage." My mother decided it was best not to lie. "Just in case we needed the extra room."

            "Extra room?" I couldn't believe them! "That's _Kourin's_ room! You can't just pack up her stuff! What could we possibly need the extra room for?! Was Kourin taking up too much room when she was alive?" I was getting overly upset and hell, I was probably overreacting but I felt like it was understandable at the moment. 

            "Ryuuen, Kourin is dead." My father stated with his eyes closed. 

            "Why do people keep telling me that like I don't know that?" I asked angrily. "I know that she's dead." 

            "Ryuuen." Rokou came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Calm down." 

            "Don't you dare pack up her stuff!" I rushed past my parents into Kourin's room. "Don't touch it!" And I slammed the door shut. As soon as I had, I fell to my knees. Why didn't they understand? 

            _"You know…I may not be the best person for this job but if you need someone to talk to or just listen for that matter, I would like you to feel free to come to me." _

_            I wish I could talk to you right now…_

_            I wish you were here…_

I realized I was crying _again_. I really wondered if Suzaku had made the right choice when he decided that this stupid crybaby should be one of his warriors. I half-expected him to show up and tell me it was all a mistake; obviously I was not qualified for such a task. 

            I put on one of Kourin's red shirts, discarding my own but keeping my black jeans because Kourin's pants would have been too tight on me. I sat down on her bed. The scent that was Kourin was slowly fading. After it all had faded, what would be left of my little sister? 

            _How can you just fade away?_

"Ryuuen, I'm coming in." Rokou's voice told me before he opened the door. He looked slightly surprised to find me in Kourin's clothes again. "Come on Ryuuen."

            "Where are we going?" I asked suspiciously. 

            "On a trip." Rokou told me. "You need to get out of the house, look how pale you are." He punched my arm playfully as he sat down next to me. 

            "I don't feel like it." I picked up one of Kourin's combs and began to finish working the rest of the tangles from my long hair. 

            "I'm not going to sit here and watch you waste away like this." Rokou said firmly. "Get up and come with me Ryuuen." 

            "Fine." I sighed as I stood up. I followed Rokou out of the house and into Rokou's car. It was a piece of junk but Rokou loved it to death. I remembered that I was supposed to get my car, but that felt so long ago. 

            _Besides I can't get a car now…_

_            I promised Kourin she'd be the first person to get to ride in my car. _

"I thought we'd get some breakfast." Rokou told me as we turned into an IHOP. "Mom and Dad will like having the house to themselves." Suddenly I was suspicious once more. 

            "Did Mom and Dad tell you to get me out of the house?" I suddenly asked. "So they could get rid of all of Kourin's stuff?"  
  


            "Ryuuen!" Rokou looked insulted as we got out of the car. "You know, it would be nice if you wouldn't act like you were the only person in the world who cared about Kourin! Don't you think we're all going through the same thing?" 

            "Then why do people keep asking if I'm alright? Why do people keep walking around on tip-toes around me?" I asked in a demanding tone. "Why did _I _have to see a shrink?"

            "Because you won't let us help you." Rokou told me seriously. "You keep having these up and down days Ryuuen. Sometimes it's like you're getting better, you know, recovering from it and then other times you sink back down. What do you want us to do? You won't tell us how you're feeling." 

            "If we're all going through the same thing, then why should I even have to tell you what I'm feeling?" My eyes were narrowed and it struck me that we were arguing in front of an IHOP. There were people watching us from the windows. 

            "Because you're different Ryuuen." Rokou looked down, seeming defeated. "Nobody was closer to Kourin then you. Even I wasn't. And you've always been sensitive to things. You're greatest strength is your heart. Unfortunately, it seems to be your greatest weakness." 

            "My greatest weakness?" I was taken aback by these words. 

            "Once you have someone in your heart, it's hard for you to let go." Rokou explained. "Remember your parakeet?"

            I had owned a parakeet when I was ten. I thought it was the best thing in the world and I would spend hours hoping I could teach it to speak but unfortunately, it died quite mysteriously three weeks after I had gotten it. I had cried my eyes out at its funeral. 

            "Shuu-chan is completely different." I tried to protest. 

            "Is he?" Rokou raised an eyebrow. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. Maybe Rokou was right. I just sort of looked down though instead of telling him this. 

            We went into the IHOP and ate breakfast. Rokou entertained me with stories of school and then we went back home. I found myself in the backyard, sitting on a swing that I remember Kourin begging our father to make for her. The sturdy oak tree that it was connected to really was the perfect tree for a swing. By sitting there, I could sit and look at the willow tree across the yard. 

            That tree had always been my personal favorite. The symbol that glowed on my chest that represented Nuriko was yanagi. Willow. 

            As I swung back and forth, I wondered what tonight's adventures would bring. And I thought of Rokou's words. 

            _My greatest strength…_

It occurred to me that my seishi symbol was next to my heart. 

------------------------

            Appearing in a moving carriage is really startling—for the other passengers. I didn't really notice but Miaka and Saihitei both looked a bit shocked. From the amount of sunshine outside, I would say that it was the afternoon. 

            "Hello!" I greeted everyone. Then I stuck my head out the window of the carriage. "Heeeeeey Kishuku!" 

            Poor Kishuku who hadn't been expecting me nearly jumped out of his skin at my sudden appearance. 

            "Hello Kourin!" Miaka seemed just as happy to see me. 

            "You're looking well." Saihitei smiled graciously and I suddenly felt kind of warm and realized I was smiling like an idiot after a few moments. "Did you have a good day?"

            "Yeah." I glanced away for a moment. When I glanced back I could see that Saihitei wasn't fooled by my bad attempt at lying well. "So where are we?"

            "Not that far from the mountains!" Miaka clapped her hands together. "We should reach them by the evening, at least that's what Kishuku said. Can you go up front and ride with him? I don't want him to feel left out…" I could see that Miaka was the one who'd like to go ride up front but had sent me. 

            _If you had just told everyone that you were a boy from the get go…_

_            Miaka wouldn't have been a miko in training anymore and then probably wouldn't have been chosen. _

_            Yeah, but you wouldn't be feeling so bad. _

I was too much of a coward and so I went to go ride up front with Kishuku. Saihitei looked like he would prefer it if I stayed in the carriage with him and Miaka but after giving him an apologetic look I closed the door behind me. I felt sick for doing all this. 

            Kishuku was happy to have some company as we rode along. The mountains were looming into view. It wouldn't be long now. 

            "Something on your mind?" Kishuku asked. I wondered if I was just really obvious. 

            "Just thinking." I made it sound like it was nothing important but Kishuku was about to demonstrate his perceptibility. 

            "You're face is like this." And Kishuku scrunched up his face in a half thoughtful, half worried expression. "I figured you might want to talk about it, you know, get it off your shoulders?"

            "I was just thinking about something my brother said to me." I finally answered. "He said my heart was my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Does that make sense?" 

            "Yes." Kishuku nodded. "If your heart is your greatest strength it means that you're full of love and compassion and all that for other people. But that can be used against you as well. If you love something too much, you can't bear to loose it. Your heart would be torn apart by losing anything you loved because you love it so much. You see?"

            "That…makes sense." I smiled at him. "What about you? Do you have anything on your mind?"

            "Oh the usual." Kishuku seemed to be very occupied with the reins. "Nothing big." 

            "Nothing at all?" I noticed that it was getting darker a lot quicker then expected and we were at the base of Mt. Reikaku. Saihitei had explained yesterday in the long carriage ride that Mt. Reikaku was the beginning of a pass through the mountains and that's why the bandits used it. The people passing by were easy targets. We began on the trail. 

            "Well…nah…" Kishuku scrunched up his nose. 

            "Are you hiding something?" I asked in a teasing tone. 

            "Well…yeah." Kishuku admitted. "It's about Miaka. I—" 

            Kishuku was cut short because he closed his mouth and looked around quite suddenly. I had no idea why and was looking too when he grabbed my arm.

            "Kourin, get in the carriage, protect Miaka." Kishuku ordered me in a serious tone that I didn't question. Kishuku stopped the carriage and I got into the carriage with Saihitei and Miaka. 

            "I think something's wrong." I told the others. There was a sharp crack and the carriage all of a sudden tipped. One of the wheels had been taken out. It fell off the road and I made sure Miaka was okay. Saihitei looked a little disorientated but seemed fine. "Kishuku?" I yelled questioningly. 

            "You two make sure Miaka is okay!" Kishuku yelled. "They're here." 

            "The Mt. Reikaku bandits!" Miaka exclaimed in horror. "Kishuku! You can't fight them by yourself!" 

            "I'll help him." I opened the carriage door. "I've got to—" 

            You may be wondering why I was cut off. And I'll tell you why that is. 

            I suddenly found myself slung over someone's shoulder and being carried at a somewhat amazing speed by someone who I couldn't see. I knew it wasn't any of the others however. I could just tell. 

            "Put me down!" I yelled as the carriage disappeared from view. 

            "No way, you're my ransom." The male voice told me. 

            "I said, put. Me. DOWN!" And I grabbed the person around the waist and threw them in an amazing twist of my body into the side of the mountain. What followed was a stream of curses.

            "Dammit! This is why I fucking _hate_ women!" The voice seemed to be picking themselves up. I went into one of the defensive positions Kishuku had shown me. "Why can't you just be normal and fucking cry or something and be all helpless?"

            "Women aren't helpless!" I stomped my foot indignantly. "Who do you think you are?!"

            "I'm the leader of the Mt. Reikaku bandits." The gruff voice told me as it stepped into the failing light of the sunset. Fiery orange hair and bright eyes were towering over me menacingly. 

            _Oh. _

"Well _I'm _one of the Suzaku no seishi." I countered hotly, not losing face for a moment.

            "And one crazy fucking woman." The orange-haired bandit leader told me. 

            "I'm not crazy!" I wasn't so sure I liked this guy. "Your stupid bandits are attacking the carriage! I've got to get back!"

            "A Suzaku no seishi huh?" The orange-haired bandit leader seemed to be thinking this over. "You'll be worth a lot of money, right?" 

            "Idiot!" I punched him and he flew right back into the side of the mountain. 

            "Stop fucking doing that!" He protested loudly. "It's not like I can do anything about it! Eiken overthrew me and now I'm the well, fuck, the _exiled_ leader."

            "Great." I threw up my hands. "Just great! I didn't even get captured by the _real _leader. Just some loony."

            "I'm not a loony! You can ask anyone, they'll tell you that Genrou was the best leader they ever had." The orange-haired young man looked rather proud. A stick cracked and Genrou suddenly jumped me, pushing me to the ground. "Shut the hell up, they might hear us."

            "Get the hell off me." I shoved him off and into a tree. 

            "Hello?" A voice called into the falling darkness. "Who is it? It's Genrou's buddy Kouji, here to see what he's up to! Oh, well thank you for coming." 

            _What…the…hell?_

"Kouji!" Genrou jumped up and ran to a man who had just appeared who had blue hair and a scar gracing his features. I watched the two link arms and start dance in a little circle. 

            _Omigod. _

_            I've been captured by a couple of weirdo bandits. _

_            What kind of seishi am I?_

------------------------

            YAH! I love Tasuki! And him and Kouji are great. The Kouji dance is fun. Poor Tasuki, he always gets beat up. ^_^. So please review! And I bet you're all worried about Saihitei, Kishuku, and Miaka as well! All will be revealed! Next time! __


	9. Bandits

Um, I received a review about Tasuki's mouth. Now, I'll admit that while Inuyasha will probably one up him in the foul mouth department, Tasuki is no saint. He swears all the time in the anime, so I was merely trying to emulate that. After all, he _is_ a bandit and I didn't think they were much for eloquent language. I was not aware that the story's overall 'goodness' would be higher or lower depending on whether or not the 'f-word' is in use. Delphine Pryde, I agree, the bandit dance is awesome. Teresa, you're a smartass. Crimony. Sinful1: Nameless bandit guy huh??? Rubs chin craftily

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Tasuki swears in this chapter too. In fact, this goes for the rest of the story. Bandits! People! Doing stuff! And Nuriko!

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Nine

"We have to find my friends, you don't understand." I wished I could find away to tell the two er, bandits that we needed to do this right away so that I wouldn't fade away before hand. That would probably send them jumping but so? Miaka and Saihitei and Kishuku were probably worried and who knows where they were now? "So come on, we have to go back."

"This chick is a Suzaku no Seishi?" Kouji looked rather confused. "She's kind of…harmless looking."

"Well I'm not." I glared at the two. "So unless you people want to see the extent of my wrath, we better get going."

_Suzaku better protect me. I'm his chosen one, so he's got to deal with it._

_ Not that I think it matters to these two._

Kouji and Genrou seemed to be ready to start drinking as Kouji had brought some sake for the two of them. But there wasn't time to drink. I thought urgently of Miaka, who couldn't defend herself in a fight; Kishuku, who would probably take out as many as he could if it meant they wouldn't touch Miaka; Saihitei, who I worried about most of all. Was that wrong to worry about him more then Miaka? She was our miko but Saihitei…I couldn't stop myself worrying about him. What if they somehow overpowered him? What if they were all dead?

The mental image that came when I thought of their bodies, strewn over the road was so terrible that I felt like I might throw up. How did I convince these two to take me back? I could just leave and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it but then, I didn't know where we were in relation to the carriage at all.

"You know…" I tried to think of what Genrou and Kouji wanted in life. "Saihitei, he's one of the Suzaku no Seishi that were back there." They stared with blank faces. Figures. "_Emperor _Saihitei."

"Holy shit, the emperor?" Genrou looked impressed and somewhat stunned. Kouji looked much the same.

"Yeah, and if you take me back, he'll reward you." I went on.

"Wait, why are you so important to the emperor?" Genrou looked slightly suspicious. "Is this a trick?"

"No, no trick." I lied. I had to think of something plausible; though you'd think one of the Suzaku no Seishi who were going to save the country from destruction would be good enough. It occurred to me that these two bandits weren't the smartest of the bunch. "Saihitei wants to marry me."

_Please believe it. Please believe it._

"No kidding?" Genrou and Kouji looked really excited.

"Yes, if you brought me back, I bet he'd give you palaces and treasure and…" I searched for something to add to my invention. "And loads of sake!"

_Saihitei is going to kill me. But I have to think of something to get them motivated! _

"Yeah, we're not going to get very much bartering with Eiken." Kouji looked like he was thinking about this really hard. "So we give the emperor back his precious…?"

"The Lady Kourin." I decided to keep things simple.

"Okay, I say we take her back." Genrou told Kouji who simply nodded in agreement. I tried not to look too pleased with my devious ways.

----------------------------

When we got back to the carriage, it was over turned. I ran towards it, panicking. Had they been kidnapped? Captured? What would happen to them? Part of me was so happy not to find them dead however that I nearly danced.

"Nuriko?" A voice I instantly recognized as Kishuku's called out from behind a nearby tree.

"Tamahome?" It was like we were spies with codenames or something. "Is Miaka alright?"

"Who's with you?" Kishuku stepped out and I saw his glowing symbol.

"Genrou and Kouji. They're exiled bandits." I answered. Genrou elbowed me and I rolled my eyes. "They want a reward for giving me back to Saihitei." I really wished I knew a way to communicate this to Kishuku without Genrou or Kouji knowing but since my seishi powers did not include telepathy, I was completely out of luck.

"Okay." Kishuku was obviously confused. "Come on, I'll take you to them." The three of us walked together but Genrou and Kouji were on either side of me like guards because as they said while we were walking, if it looked like an ambush, they were going to kidnap me again.

We went deep into the forest and finally I heard the crackle of a fire. When I got there, Miaka and Saihitei were sitting opposite of each other. Miaka was roasting something on a stick and Saihitei seemed to be making sure the fire kept going.

"I found her." Kishuku announced as we all came into view. Saihitei looked immediately up and Miaka dropped her stick and pounced on me.

"Kourin! Kourin! Kourin!" Miaka was hugging me so tightly that I could barely breathe. "I was so worried! I thought you…you…" She burst into wild tears.

"Oh Miaka, you should know better then that." I patted her back. "You think some weak bandits could take down Nuriko?" She smiled up at me. Then she looked at Genrou and Kouji.

"Hello! I'm Miaka, the Suzaku no Miko." Miaka bowed her head towards them.

"Miaka!" I knew Kishuku was not pleased with her for just announcing this fact. Come to think of it, neither was I.

"The Suzaku no Miko?" I thought Genrou's mouth was going to hit the floor. But at that moment I was distracted because someone was hugging me very tightly. It was the same pair of arms that had comforted me when I had first arrived at this world.

_Saihitei…you weren't worried were you?_

"Kourin…" Saihitei seemed unable to let go. "I'm sorry I didn't protect you better." My face felt very hot and I was glad it was dark. "I…"

"It's okay Saihitei." I told him comfortingly. "I'm perfectly fine, nothing bad happened to me." He slowly released me.

"So she wasn't fucking lying." Genrou poked his friend Kouji in the arm.

"What?" Miaka was confused and kept looking back in forth for an explanation.

"She told us that the emperor wanted to marry her and that if we returned her we'd get lots of rewards." Kouji said and I immediately looked down at the ground.

_It was a ploy, it was just a ploy. That's what I'll say if Saihitei says anything. _

"Oh yes, thank you for returning my lady." Saihitei seemed to be thinking quickly and I blinked in surprise. I looked over at him and Saihitei winked. "How can I repay you?"

"So you're seishi?" Genrou gestured at Saihitei, Kishuku, and I. "Eiken doesn't have any legendary warriors." He turned towards Kouji and after a few minutes of whispered discussion they turned back.

"Eiken tricked Genrou into leaving and then took control of the bandits." Kouji explained to us. "So when he got back, Eiken told him that he was the leader now."

"Couldn't you take out this Eiken guy by yourselves?" Kishuku didn't seem to like the two.

"Yeah, but he's got my tessen." Genrou explained. We all looked at each other, hoping the other one knew what was going on. "It's _my _tessen, the old boss left it for me. If you say the spell, it shoots fire. So you guys can help me get back my tessen and kick Eiken out."

"We don't have time." Kishuku spoke up. "We need to find the other seishi."

"Remember what the scroll said?" Miaka took out the scroll. "It said mountain. Maybe one of the bandits is a seishi! But how will we know?"

"I'm sure fate will bring us together." Saihitei told her comfortingly.

"I don't want you guys to get your freaking hopes up but I fucking doubt there's any seishi here." Genrou told us matter o' factly.

"We're not actually going to help them…" I trailed off, looking around at the others.

"Well," Saihitei looked a little bit uncomfortable. "Miaka has a point about the seishi. We should probably go and investigate. Besides, maybe there's an injustice that should be fixed here." He drew his sword and held it out towards Genrou and Kouji. "Do you swear that you will be an honorable leader of the bandits?" I saw Kishuku trying to smother his laughter at this question. I could understand where he was coming from. Miaka seemed a little confused.

"Yeah, yeah." Genrou waved a hand. Then he grinned, showing his fangs. "Obviously you guys are tough if some of our bandits attacked you before and you got away."

"It was ten of them and they were completely drunk." Kishuku snorted and Genrou glared at him for a few moments. Kishuku continued haughtily, "_I_ took them out all by myself."

"Some of us are a lot fucking tougher then the others." Genrou amended. "So you guys help us out and we'll keep our eyes peeled for whoever the fuck that seishi guy is you're looking for."

"You're doing a great service to Suzaku." Miaka spoke up eagerly, I suppose she thought that this was suppose to make them feel better…or something. Instead they just looked at her like she had a jelly fish on her head that no one wanted to mention.

"I think Miaka and Kourin should stay here." Kishuku nodded his head at himself. He was looking at Miaka and not me but I still had to protest.

"No way!" I shook my head. "I want to go too."

"Kishuku!" Miaka protested, her hazel eyes going big.

"Miaka, we're going into the bandits' hideout." Kishuku tried to explain to her. "And if any of the bandits touch you…" He trailed off; a strange pained look crossed his eyes. "I won't allow that to happen."

"I don't see why that means I can't go." I gave Kishuku a defiant look. "Don't you remember? The only reason we found out we were seishi was because we were protecting Miaka and each other! So that means we should all go because then there's a bigger chance we'll find them." Kishuku shot a look towards Saihitei for help.

"Kourin's right." Saihitei looked firm. "We should all go. That means we'll have to be extra careful about Miaka." I tried not to look too triumphant.

"Let's get going." I pointed a finger into the darkness, striking a pose at the same time. "We can't wait around all night."

Funny that I said that. For at that moment, I began to fade right out of the world. Just as I was fading, I was greeted by the sight of Genrou and Kouji looking completely dumbfounded at the sight.

"Kourin!" Miaka exclaimed and I was gone.

Back in my bed. No! I couldn't be awake right now! We needed to go find the seishi! I hit my fist on my bed. Then I turned to the side angrily before spotting something on my bedside table.

It was the small orange plastic cylinder with a white top that held my prescribed sleeping pills. Take two. I grabbed it, opening it and then swallowing two pills down quickly.

_Even if I can't sleep anymore…_

_ I want to stay in this dream. So let me stay there. _

I settled back down under my covers and closed my eyes, waiting impatiently for the drugs to take their effect on me. But I wouldn't have to wait long.

--------------------

Sorry the chapter's short! I'm so happy people like this story! . I keep going to the FY section and looking for good stories but maybe I'm picky, it's hard to find them sometimes. There's so many SI and OC character fanfics that it's kind of mind-boggling. I just want to write something different, you know? Please review and tell me what you think!


	10. Guilt

Hey kiddos! I'm back! To bring you another fabulous chapter of everyone's favorite story! (Just kidding.) Seriously, I am happy that people like this story. I mean, I know it's going slowly, but don't worry, all in good time my friends, all in good time. Thanks for the support!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst. Bandits! Bandits everywhere!

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Ten

"Hey, you're back!" Miaka exclaimed as I came back into the world of Konan. I felt a little guilty as those sleeping pills weren't meant to be taken for something like this. But then I figured that if my psychiatrist was so insistent about me taking them, then I was going to take them.

But we weren't in the woods; we were hiding behind some shrubs in front of a large building. I could only guess it was the bandits' hideout. Kouji and Genrou were speaking to each other in low voices.

"How did you get back here so fast?" Saihitei asked me, a slightly concerned look on his face. "You only come here when you're asleep."

"What are you guys talking about?" Genrou asked us, eyeing me suspiciously. "You, are you human?"

"Of course I'm human!" I protested loudly and got shushed by several people. "I'm from another world, that's all."

"Another world?" Genrou and Kouji's eyes bugged out.

"Yeah, another world." I wondered how long the pills would last. Saihitei was still looking at me and I knew I would have to make something up. "I just woke up for a few minutes because I was thirsty. So then I went back to bed. That's all."

"Oh." Saihitei didn't believe me at all, it didn't take a mind-reader to see it.

"We're glad you're here Kourin." Kishuku gave me a grin and then jabbed a thumb in the direction of the two bandits. "These guys are idiots."

"Ha, you wouldn't be saying that if I had my tessen." Genrou bared his teeth and I noted his fangs. "I'd fucking fry you."

"I'd like to see you try." Kishuku had a challenging look on his face.

"Okay, if you boys can't play nice, then I'm going to separate you two." I told them in a voice that sounded very like my own mother's. "Now, what's the plan?"

"Eiken's probably drunk by now. We bust in, grab the tessen, and then declare Genrou as leader." Kouji told us as though this was the best plan we could possibly come up with.

"Is there anyway to sneak in and be inconspicuous?" I asked slowly.

"There's only bandits and serving women in there." Genrou supplied.

"That's it!" I snapped my fingers. "I can be a serving woman and try and distract the bandits and then you guys can sneak in."

"I don't know if you should be put in that sort of danger." Saihitei didn't seem to like this plan. "Those bandits…I can't even imagine…"

"Hmm…" I tried to think of a good compromise because I knew I was on to something with this plan.

"The emperor's fucking pretty enough, dress him up like a girl and he can go with you." Genrou suggested. Saihitei raised an eyebrow at him and I giggled.

"That's not a bad idea…" Kishuku was rubbing his chin and then caught a glare from Saihitei. "Well, that way you can be with Kourin in case anything goes wrong."

"Yeah, yeah." I nodded my head. Then I started giggling again as I pictured Saihitei dressed up like a girl. "Come on Saihitei, it's a good plan."

"I'd go instead but…" Miaka looked hesitant.

"Where will Miaka be?" I questioned.

"With me." Kishuku answered quickly. Then he turned towards Genrou and Kouji. "You're going to help protect her. We'll go get this tessen while Saihitei and Kourin go distract the bandits."

"They'll have to be sure to be distracting Eiken. That way we can get to the tessen." Kouji reminded us. "In fact, they don't know I'm in league with Genrou."

"Why didn't you mention that before?" I asked him incredulously.

"I didn't think of it." Kouji admitted sheepishly. "So I can go with you, and take you two directly to Eiken." He saw the dark look pass between me and Saihitei. "Don't worry, just pour him sake and stuff, he's pretty stupid."

"That leaves just you and me to guard Miaka." Kishuku looked at Genrou like he'd much rather be doing anything else.

"I can come after I go with Kourin and Saihitei." Kouji volunteered. "So, first, we need some girl clothes for the emperor."

"That shouldn't be too hard." Kouji answered. "I'll be right back." And so we waited behind the shrubs for Kouji to come back. I looked at Saihitei with an apologetic look.

_It'll be okay. It's just a diversion. _

"Kourin…" Saihitei frowned and pulled me away from the others so that we could have a private conversation. I noticed Miaka trying to listen in.

"Yeah?" I couldn't imagine what he wanted to talk about right here.

"Do you…?" He trailed off as though he was embarrassed. My heart began to thump. What did he want to talk about privately? What was it that he couldn't ask in front of the others? My mind was racing to a million conclusions at once. "Do you really think I would make a good girl?" I started laughing from the look on his face. Like this whole thing was really bothering him.

"I'm sorry Saihitei." I wiped tears of mirth from my eyes. "It's just that you looked so serious! You're very good-looking and…" I blushed. "And you've got some feminine features…"

"Well I am very beautiful…" Saihitei agreed with a surprisingly serious look on his face. I couldn't really figure Saihitei out. "I suppose I'm nervous."

"Don't be." I told him. "Not a big deal really."

_Yeah, cross-dressing wouldn't be for you. _

_ Shut up mind. _

_ You can't make me._

_ That's what you think._

I stopped the argument as Kouji did come back with the clothes. (I have no idea how he got them.) Saihitei found somewhere to get changed and when he came back, I was talking to Miaka about what Saihitei would look like.

"Okay, I'm ready." Saihitei announced and I turned to look at him. He looked…just like a really pretty girl! I was completely stunned. "Let's go Kourin."

"You two should probably use your seishi names." Kishuku suggested. "And the same goes for me." I began humming the Mission: Impossible theme which just got me a bunch of weird looks because of course no one knew what the hell I was humming.

_Its okay Ryuuen, I totally got it. _

_ Thanks mind. _

Kouji took us into the building. Saihitei really did look like a young woman. I kept glancing at him, but trying not to openly stare. Should I really be that amazed? I mean, in my present situation, we weren't really that different.

First we stopped at the kitchen and got trays with sake on them. Then we were lead down several hallways until we got to a huge room, full of rowdy bandits. We both looked at Kouji with pleading looks for help.

"Eiken's not in here." Kouji commented. "He must be in his rooms! Great…I don't know how we're supposed to sneak in there like this."

"Let's give it our best shot!" I cheered. Of course, we had attracted the attention of a couple of the bandits. One of them suddenly was hugging Saihitei tightly around the waist.

"Hey baby, come drink with us." Saihitei looked somewhat horrified at the bandit who was looking rather starry-eyed. Saihitei looked at me helplessly.

"Oh, Hotohori would love to but we're supposed to entertain the Boss tonight." I grabbed the guy's arm and twisted it rather painfully as I made him let go of Saihitei. Maybe I used a little more force then necessary. So? We left and Kouji started to lead us back down the hallways.

"Thanks Nuriko." Saihitei smiled at me gratefully.

"Okay, I thought that Eiken would be in the big meeting room drinking with them but apparently not. Which means he's in his bedrooms." Kouji did not seem to like this. "That's where the others were going to sneak in. You two will have to keen Eiken completely distracted."

"We can do it!" I vowed, striking a pose. We came to a large pair of doors with Kouji knocked on.

"Hello? Who is it?" Kouji began. "It's Kouji, here with two pretty new serving women for the Boss. Oh, well come in then. Thank you very much." Saihitei and I looked at each other rather bewildered as Kouji opened the door.

There was a really ugly, fat man who was guzzling sake. I felt like I was going to puke when I watched sake dribble out his mouth and down his chin. Okay, yuck. He stopped drinking when he caught sight of us. He wiped his chin with the back of his sleeve. I could see that Saihitei looked as though he might be sick.

"Kouji! These new girls look very nice." Eiken seemed to be congratulating the blue-haired young man. "What are their names?"

"Hotohori." Saihitei answered in a falsetto that I found very funny but I had to smother my giggles.

"Nuriko." I answered, trying to keep a straight face.

"I'll just leave you three alone." Kouji went out, closing the door behind him. Saihitei and I gulped and then stepped forward. We sat across from Eiken, who was looking at us like we were pieces of meat. If only he knew that there were two _guys _sitting across from him.

"You're both very pretty." Eiken was leering at us.

"Oh thank you." I decided to just be polite, though I desperately wanted to beat him to death with my tray. "Have some sake, please."

"Yes, drink up." Saihitei kept glancing at the door as though expecting the rest of the brigade to barge through any moment and save us.

"You, with the purple hair, Nuriko was it?" Eiken was clearly drunk, which would make the whole thing a lot easier to deal with. "Why don't you come sit in my lap?"

_I'd rather be boiled in oil, thanks. _

_ I can't do this. I am not sitting in that guy's lap. I refuse. _

_ But…we are supposed to be distracting him._

"Nuriko is very shy." Saihitei answered quickly and I could hear a resolution in his words. Omigod, he wasn't going to… "But I would be happy to sit in your lap."

"Alright then." Eiken patted his lap. I looked at Saihitei in disbelief. He was doing it because he knew I didn't want to! Eiken began playing with Saihitei's hair which I could tell Saihitei did not like. He was getting sake in it for one and from the look on his face he was not enjoying.

That's when I saw a window open behind Eiken. I saw Genrou's face pop up and I felt instant relief. He was climbing in and then slowly going towards a pile of cushions.

"I'm not that shy, Hotohori just likes all the attention to himself." I put a hand to my face coyly and laughed. Genrou was trying to be stealthy and failing. He tripped over a cushion and as soon as I saw him start to fall, I rushed forward, grabbing Eiken's face and kissing him.

It was the most disgusting experience of my whole life. For one, this was my first kiss and now I would have to live with the fact that my first kiss was a really gross bandit. Saihitei gasped. I opened my eyes and saw Genrou hurriedly digging through the cushions for a box. He opened it.

And pulled out a gleaming metal fan.

I pulled my face back immediately.

"Eiken!" Genrou seemed excited as he brandished it and the other members of our party came into the window. Eiken realized he had been tricked and backhanded me away from him.

That's when Saihitei suddenly had a sword to Eiken's throat.

"You've laid hands on a royal personage and a Suzaku no seishi." Saihitei was glaring at him as though trying to set fire to him. "And for that you should be put to death." I was wiping my mouth as much as possible. I thought I might even throw up at one point. Miaka was the last through the window and I had to come get her because no one else could give her a hand up.

"Now I'm the leader." Genrou looked excited. "What do you think of that Eiken?"

"Ha! We're under attack!" Eiken yelled, scrambling away from Saihitei's rather sharp looking sword. "We're UNDER ATTACK!"

There was a loud ruckus and before too long, we were surrounded by bandits. They looked at us for a few moments.

"Oh great." I muttered and the drunken bandits began to attack. I grabbed Miaka and was punching anyone that even came close to touching her. Kishuku was doing the same thing except of course not holding onto Miaka's arm. Eiken seemed to be trying to get the tessen away from Genrou.

He wouldn't have got it if one of the bandits hadn't knocked into Genrou, causing Genrou to drop it. Eiken picked it up; stepping on Genrou's back and pointed it at Miaka and me. I threw Miaka out of the way, maybe with too much force as she went flying towards the window and fell out of it backwards. I went rushing towards it when I heard the tessen being brandished.

"Rekka…" Eiken began. "Shinen!" And a burst of fire came towards me. I stood there, like an idiot when suddenly I was lifted off my feet. I looked up at my rescuer who was now on the ledge where I could see Miaka had safely landed in some bushes. It was Genrou. He looked almost amazed as I did.

"How did you…?" I blinked my eyes.

"I don't know!" He admitted as he set me down. Then I noticed a red light coming out of his sleeve. I grabbed his arm and despite his protests, pulled the sleeve down.

"He's a seishi!" I exclaimed. I shoved the arm out the window. "Which one Miaka?"

"Tasuki!" Miaka called back gleefully. "We found another one!"

"Great, now get making with the seishi powers and help out!" I told him, shoving him back into the fight. Genrou seemed to be moving at a super speed, moving too quickly to see. Suddenly, Eiken looked ready to fire the tessen again but then it wasn't in his hands. Genrou had it. He pointed it at Eiken.

"Call 'em off!" Genrou ordered. Eiken did so, quite miserably. The bandits backed away from us, except for one. The earlier bandit who seemed to have grown rather attached to Saihitei in a most literal way. He had his arms around Saihitei again.

"I love you…" He told Saihitei.

"Nuriko!" Saihitei called out to me in a helpless voice. I grabbed the guy by the collar and threw him straight into a wall.

_Take's care of that._

----------------------

Okay, Genrou was going to be leader of the bandits but then, of course, he couldn't stay here and be a bandit leader, we needed him to save the kingdom!

"If you don't come, we'll never be able to summon Suzaku!" Miaka pleaded with him. "You can go back to being the leader after that! I promise!"

"Alright, alright." Genrou seemed to have given up. I thought Miaka's pleading skills were unmatched. It was probably the big eyes she gave people. "Kouji will be leader while I'm gone."

Genrou kept his tessen though. Kouji didn't seem to want it as it was. So we left Mt. Reikaku and decided to make camp away from the bandits. (I had enough of them.) Genrou demonstrated that he was a bit of a pyromaniac as he wouldn't stop playing with the fire. I decided to go see what Miaka was up to while Saihitei washed his hair in a nearby stream.

I was about to go around a tree when I heard Miaka and Kishuku talking.

"I was really worried about you." Kishuku admitted to her. I knew I was eavesdropping but I really couldn't help it. "I…"

"Kishuku…" Miaka trailed off. "It was okay. Everything worked out fine."

"Everything isn't fine though." Kishuku told her, I peeped around to see he was sitting a foot away from her but giving her an intense look. "Miaka…you have to know…how I feel about you…"

"Kishuku!" Miaka looked surprised.

"I love you." Kishuku admitted and my eyes went the size of saucers. "I love you more then…then anything! And…I can't touch you at all and I know we can't be together…"

"Kishuku I…" Miaka looked so sad. "I love you too!"

"You do?" Kishuku looked happy and then seemed to be depressed. "But…we can't…"

"I know." Miaka took a deep breath, as though she were on the verge of crying. "I know, and I told myself I would try really hard not to fall in love with you but it was impossible…"

"I kept telling myself the same thing." Kishuku looked like all he wanted to do was hug Miaka. And he couldn't.

_You have to tell them the truth Ryuuen. _

_ That you've already touched Miaka._

_ That they'll never be able to summon Suzaku…_

_ Why won't you tell?_

_ Because I'm a coward and I can't face Saihitei and I can't face this world…not if I told the truth. _

_ It's better to keep pretending._

_ Look how unhappy Miaka and Kishuku are! All because they think they can't even touch each other._

I felt so bad that I ran from the scene and to where Saihitei had finished washing his hair; he was trying to comb it. He looked up at me and I didn't know what to do as I knelt down to the ground.

"Is something wrong Kourin?" Saihitei asked me. I burst into tears.

_Everything is wrong. _

_ I can't be honest. I can't tell you that I'm really a boy named Ryuuen._

_ I can't tell you anything. _

_ Will I still be special to you? Even if I was a boy? _

He stopped combing his hair and moved forward, grabbing me in a hug that threw me off-balance. I held onto him tightly.

_I'm so sorry Saihitei…I'm so sorry…_

I knew the drug was wearing off, I knew I was waking up and I didn't want to. But then, I was causing so much misery, even though no one knew it.

_Maybe it would be better if I didn't come back at all. _

---------------------

Emotional chapter, I know! I think it was because I was listening to Stabbing Westward while I wrote this chapter. They're like the angstiest (Okay, I made that word up.) band ever. Please review!


	11. Insomnia

My dad something about me drinking a can of Pepsi. Uh, sure. I drink dangerous amounts of caffeine every day just during breakfast and he worries that I'm drinking a Pepsi? I guess since Pepsi sometimes gives me that feeling that my stomach is melting. Besides, I have no health worries, for as a comedian once said, "The good die young but pricks live forever." .

I'd like to take a moment to address some confused fans. This story (and I suppose this is a spoiler) contains shounen-ai. I think most of you have probably figured that out by now, but in case anyone's confused still, yes, shounen-ai. If you are uncomfortable with this, then I suggest you stop reading.

Lady SilverRose: I meant to say something in my last chapter but yes, I felt too that Ryuuen was unfair to his parents. But that's just the way it came out. I have no control over him! I swear! Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it. .

A note: Ryuuen mentions drinking a 'quad shot' which if you know your coffee lingo (or just are pretty good at guessing) means four shots of espresso. (Its bitter stuff, I have to dump sugar into it when I order a quad shot.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. I do own a Nuriko keychain! It's soo kawaii! They didn't have a Hotohori to keep him company though. All they had was Tamahome and Nuriko. (I didn't get the Tamahome as I think he gets too much merchandising and I think more Nuriko merchandising should be encouraged.)

Warnings: Major angst.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Eleven

When I woke up I made my resolution. It was hard and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. But it was the only way.

_It's the only way everyone can be happy. _

I wasn't going back.

I just wasn't going to sleep. That was it, I would let them live their lives and not interfere any longer. I couldn't possibly go back there and continue to hurt people and carrying around the fact that I was a guy. Let them find the seishi. Maybe if I waited, Suzaku would realize that he picked the wrong guy. Maybe he would find a new Nuriko.

A better Nuriko.

I wondered if maybe Kourin was supposed to be Nuriko. She was the stronger of the two of us. She was the more vibrant. I could just see the sparkle of determination in her eye while defending Miaka. I could see Saihitei falling in love with her. Not with me.

Not with the skinny, gawky, boy named Ryuuen with long hair.

It was better this way. That's what I kept repeating to myself over and over again. I would believe it. I had to learn to believe it. I couldn't go back. I had to stay away from them.

I went downstairs to eat breakfast, it was Monday morning. I had taken the sleeping pills and then couldn't fathom trying to go back to sleep. It just wasn't right that I lied to my friends, these people who even though I didn't know that well had become very dear to me. I had school.

My mother and father were at the table as well and I knew they weren't saying anything because they thought I was going to yell at them again. I felt so bad; I just wanted it to end. I couldn't go to sleep to escape any of my feelings because there was bad thoughts waiting for me there as well.

"Hey, Ryuuen, you were sleeping all yesterday." Rokou poked me in the side. "What's going with that?"

"Nothing." I answered softly. I didn't want to face anyone, not my family, not anything. I wanted to go hide in my room and not move. "So…what's been going on with you guys?" There was a slight pause as though everyone was considering what they should say.

"I got that deal for that new hospital." My father told me.

"Oh, that's good." I smiled weakly. My mother brightened considerably and wondered what had brought that about. There wasn't much in the way of conversation, my mom tried to talk about ordinary things, carefully avoiding anything that was remotely connected to Kourin. Rokou kept watching me like I had a terminal illness and he had to be ready when I collapsed.

_It's because I pushed them away…_

_ It's like I'm a stranger to them. _

Eventually me and Rokou went to school. He kept looking like he wanted to ask me something but I kept avoiding his gaze or avoiding anything that might make him ask me whatever question he had. Was I scared of what might happen if he asked what was wrong?

Was I scared of showing people what I was really feeling? The teachers droned on and on all day and I wasn't paying any attention to them. They were like the air conditioners, just rattling away but you got used to the buzz and forgot about it. I was staring out the window and my hand was doodling a little. The final bell rang and I looked down.

I had written out Saihitei on my paper. And I just stared at it. It was like seeing his yellow eyes. The way he focused on me, the way he would wrap his arms around me. I could just see him, pleading with me to come back.

_He's always scared that when you fade away it's the last time he'll see you…_

_ How's he going to feel when you don't show up at all? _

I couldn't though. I just couldn't.

At home I sat in my room, careful not to lie down at all. I didn't want to fall asleep by accident. The night came and I stayed up all night, reading, forcing my eyes open. I went downstairs at about three in the morning and made coffee. I drank a pot of coffee, just to avoid the guilt.

_You're a coward. You're such a coward Ryuuen. _

_ I can't go back. Its better this way, it's better this way._

_ Why do you have to keep saying that? Hoping to convince yourself?   
  
_

Isn't it funny how people try to convince themselves that what their doing is the right thing, even when they always know that it's not? It wasn't right to leave Miaka and Kishuku and Saihitei and Genrou. They were searching for the others, all thinking they could summon Suzaku one day.

But they couldn't and I couldn't tell them that. I had ruined everything. I had touched Miaka and I was a man. Why would Suzaku make me one of his warriors with such a crime hanging over me? Was it possible for a god to make a mistake?

If gods could make mistakes, then no wonder it's so easy for humans.

I found myself wandering into Kourin's room. Some of the stuff was in boxes. That surprised me. It was obviously being done quietly so that it wouldn't disturb me. They didn't want another episode like the one before. I had to go through and grab things. That purple sweater. Those jeans, this dress, this outfit, this one. It was hers and that's all that mattered.

A picture album. One with various pictures of me and her together. Rokou was in a few as well but most of them were me and Kourin. How did she get so many pictures of the two of us? I guess I never realized how many there were. All the different memories. This too would go to my room. Other favorite things of hers went with me into my room. They couldn't get rid of these. They had to be kept so that Kourin would know I always remembered her.

Why did she die? Why did I go to a different world? Why did I lie that day?

Why is everything like this? Why didn't fate want us to be happy? Was there something wrong with us? Did they already know I was going to ruin the chances of the Suzaku no seishi to summon Suzaku? Did they know I had ruined it and the kingdom wouldn't be saved?

So they took Kourin from me?

The next morning I had rings under my eyes and I'm sure it was apparent I hadn't slept. My mother asked me if I had slept alright and I said yes, I had. Later, of course, Rokou knew the truth and confronted me about it on our way to school.

"Ryuuen, I heard you up last night. Did you sleep at all?" Rokou asked me. I looked out the car window, watching the streets go by and houses and people, whizzing past as we went. What would it be like to get to be somebody else? Someone who didn't feel all this misery?

"Yeah, I was just…worried about my French test today." I lied quickly.

"You were?" Rokou didn't believe me. It was so obvious.

"Look, Rokou, it's nothing. Now stop asking." I had said it in a sharper tone than I had meant to because immediately Rokou looked discouraged.

_All I do is hurt the people I love. _

Another day of school. I think I did have a French test that day but I didn't study at all and I was sure I had done horribly. I could barely keep my eyes open. They were bloodshot when I checked in the bathroom mirror. I kept rubbing them wearily, hoping that I could appear a little less tired.

My teachers kept asking me if I was okay, was I paying attention, etc. I just ignored them, gave them the same answers. I was fine, I was paying attention. The last bell rang and I felt a feeling of intense relief. Rokou took me home but I insisted we stop so I could buy coffee. I got a quad shot mixed with milk. I had to pour sugar in it because it was so bitter it made me want to throw up.

I was jolted with energy but underneath it I could feel my tiredness. All my body wanted to do was lay down and sleep for about a million years. But no, I couldn't do that. I read, I watched TV, I drank more coffee, which I could tell was alarming my parents.

Near midnight that night, Rokou came down the stairs and into the living room where I was watching TV in an uncomfortable wooden chair so I wouldn't nod off.

"Hey, Ryuuen, staying up late?" He gave me a smile.

"Can't sleep." I mumbled as I emptied another cup of coffee.

"Is there any coffee left?" Rokou asked. "It sounds pretty good right now, even though I should be going to bed."

"Yeah, could you fill up my cup too?" I held out my mug. Rokou took it. "Thanks." I could hear him go into the kitchen and then pour the coffee.

"Do you want cream or sugar in yours Ryuuen?" Rokou called out.

"Yeah, just sugar though." I called back. The extra rush from sugar would probably help me stay awake. I heard Rokou mixing the sugar in my cup. Then he came back out and handed me my cup.

"This is good stuff." Rokou drank his and I began on yet another cup of coffee. It was pretty good. The warmness made my body tired but the caffeine kept my brain awake. If I just kept drinking it, I would see Konan. I wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore.

But then, as I finished off this cup and Rokou was still sitting there, drinking his coffee, my eyelids began to feel unbelievably heavy. What was that? I had drank enough caffeine, why did I feel sleepy all of a sudden?

Then my eyes shot open. I stared at Rokou in horror.

"You…you…" I tried to form the words as I felt the drugs ensnare my senses and I knew I was about to fall asleep. The only thing I could get out was, "Sleeping pills…"

As I drifted off into darkness, I heard his voice, soft and pained somewhat.

"Sorry Ryuuen."

He was apologizing because he knew I didn't want to sleep. He knew there was a reason I was avoiding sleep but knew that I had to sleep. Rokou, I can forgive you. You just wanted to help me.

But how can I face the others?

_------------------------_

Go Rokou! (I wrote it but still.) What will happen when Ryuuen gets back? What have the others been up to and all that? Writing is hard. And I was tired the whole time I wrote this so I was like, "Sympathizing with Ryuuen so much." It's only because I had to get up early cause I had a job interview with the manager of the local IHOP. Woe is me.


	12. Love

Hey guys! Some of the reviews are actually fairly interesting and some of you are very good at guessing. I won't say who or what though. I hope you guys like this new installment.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Cussing, angst, and other things.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twelve

I ended up appearing right behind the others who were all on horses so I hit the dusty road pretty hard. I yelled out in surprise and of course they heard me. They all turned quickly around and came back to me.

"You haven't been here for awhile." Miaka got down off her horse and gave me a hug. "Did something bad happen to you?"

"No." I couldn't tell them I had purposely avoided coming. That I had missed sleep so I wouldn't have to see them. I didn't look up at Saihitei, purposely avoiding his gaze at all costs. "How's the search been going?"

"Not so well." Miaka shuffled her feet. "The clue is 'monk' but that hasn't helped us at all."

"That's too bad." I tried to look cheerful. "I'm sure we'll find them soon though Miaka, so don't look like you're doing something wrong."

"If Yui was the Suzaku no Miko, I bet she would have found them all by now." Miaka sighed deeply.

"You aren't Yui." I reminded her. "And Suzaku chose you." It was hard to say these words because I thought of how it was rather rich of me to be saying these things when I was pretending to be a different person.

I still couldn't look at Saihitei and instead looked at Kishuku who was looking from me and then unsurely in Saihitei's direction, like he wanted to do something but was still trying to decide what he _should _do. Then I glanced over at Genrou who looked oblivious to this.

"We're glad to see you again." Saihitei's voice made me feel worse. I thought I might throw up right there.

"Are you feeling alright Kourin?" Miaka put a hand on my shoulder and I knew that how I felt was probably written all over my face.

"Yeah, fine." I managed a smile for her. No need to waste more time because of me, right? "Let's get going, shall we?"

"Okay, you'll ride with Miaka." Kishuku decided quickly. "Just in case."

"Aye-aye." I saluted him and then helped Miaka get back on her horse and got on behind her. Miaka and Kishuku kept looking at each other and then tried to distract themselves from looking at each other. I wanted to shout that I had touched Miaka and I was a male just so I wouldn't have to watch it any longer but instead I focused on the road ahead of me.

The going was slow because Genrou had a lot of trouble with his horse that I didn't really understand. I was beginning to think that horses and Genrou were just not friends. I made sure not to look at Saihitei, knowing that he would be able to read my face. I was scared of facing him. He knew that something was wrong.

By nightfall we had reached more forest and Kishuku thought we should stop and make camp. I threw myself into helping out by collecting firewood. (I think Kishuku was stunned by the amount of wood I could carry in one load.) By the time we had enough firewood to last us a lifetime, I volunteered to help fish. But then so did Saihitei.

I almost tried to back out of it but forced myself anyways. As Genrou was the person in charge of the fire, Kishuku made sure to secure the perimeter. I said nothing as I sat there with a stick. They were rather crude versions of what I thought of as fishing poles but we had to use something.

"Anything biting on yours yet Kourin?" Saihitei asked me and I was drawn out of my thoughts to answer.

"Not yet." I tried to sound cheerful so he wouldn't ask anything else.

"Were you having trouble sleeping?" Saihitei inquired and I shut my eyes as I tried to think of a reply.

"No." I did the only thing I seemed to be able to do these days: Lie. "Why?"

"You were gone for a long time…" Saihitei's tone was full of concern. I wanted to turn to him, confess everything, and cry on his shoulder. But that was impossible so I didn't look at him, only at the water. "Something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong." I insisted. "I don't need you to worry about me." I only glanced at his eyes for a moment and saw that I had hurt him. "I'm going to go make sure Genrou's not burning down the forest." I got up, a horrible feeling welling up in my stomach again as I did.

"Kourin." As he said the name, he grabbed my wrist. I squeezed my eyes shut, the pain was unbearable. Saihitei wanted to care about me and I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him in because of how scared I was. "Please…look at me…"

I opened my eyes and turned my head slowly. Saihitei was gazing up at me, his eyes were so sad. Vulnerable. My lip trembled and I felt like all my emotions would come tumbling out if I kept looking.

"I've got to go check on Genrou." I turned away. I wanted to scream at myself.

_You're being a COWARD RYUUEN! _

I was angry with myself. I was hurting Saihitei because I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to trust him. That's all he wanted. And I couldn't stop and let myself feel sad in front of him. He let go of my wrist reluctantly. My entire mind was screaming for me to turn around, to throw my arms around him, and tell him I was sorry.

My body went walked away, towards the crackling of a fire. I couldn't see anyone though. I changed direction and walked for a little bit until I was by myself. I put my arms up against a tree and cried, muffling the sound so no one came looking for me.

After a little while, I stopped crying and then went to splash some water from the river on my face. The reflection of me was the same teenage boy that I had seen so many times before. My skin was all splotchy and red and I realized that I had never looked uglier in my life.

_I should just throw myself in this river and float away…_

I imagined what the water would feel like gliding through my fingers, just letting myself go into the cool embrace of it. Dipping my fingers in the water I wondered if it could wash away all the bad things that had happened because of me. If it could wash away the bad memories, wash away Saihitei's pain. Without me, would any of these exist?

A high-pitched scream made me jerk away from the water. That was Miaka's scream! I got up and began running in the direction of the sound, almost without thinking. I got there at the same time that Kishuku did.

Miaka was on the ground backwards and pointing at the bushes with a wild but frantic look on her face.

"There! I saw a person!" Miaka told us both in a somewhat hysterical voice. Kishuku went towards the bush slowly as I knelt down by Miaka.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"I'm fine." Miaka was staring at the bush though as she said this. Then she looked over at me. "Kourin! Have you been crying?"

"N-no." I shook my head.

"Kishuku, Kourin, we came as fast as we could." Saihitei's voice announced his arrival. Genrou was with him.

"There was a person in that bush." Miaka explained quickly.

"No problem," Genrou smirked in such a way that showed off his fangs. "Rekka SHINEN!" He swung his tessen and Kishuku had to throw himself on the ground to avoid the flames. The bush was reduced to near nothing but no one was there.

"Next time wait until I'm _out _of the way." Kishuku glared at the red-haired young man. "Miaka, what did this person look like?"

"Like a fox!" Miaka answered, but hands up on either side of her head, then extended her index fingers and middle fingers to show her impression of fox ears.

"Maybe it was just a fox." Genrou didn't look all that concerned.

"It was a person." Miaka insisted with a frown.

"Why don't we go back to camp?" Kishuku suggested. "Nobody should be wandering around by themselves."

"He's got a point Miaka." I poked her in the side. "We can't have anything bad happening to our only miko."

"I guess that's true." Miaka gave me a smile before turning towards Kishuku. He blushed and coughed, trying to cover it up. We all went back to camp where Kishuku went to fish with Saihitei after I told him I was bad at it and not having any luck. Saihitei didn't say anything and I couldn't bear to look at him at all now. Miaka went to watch.

I decided to sit with Genrou who was taking sticks and sticking them in the fire, burning them down until they were too short to hold onto anymore from his seat on a log that had fallen over. Then he would get a new one and repeat the cycle. He wasn't going to ask me questions I didn't want to answer. At least that's what I thought.

"What's up with you?" Genrou was looking at me curiously. "You're not all fucking plucky like you usually are."

"Plucky?" I repeated in a surprised and almost offended tone. "I'm fine."

"Does it have something to do with you and the emperor?" Genrou inquired further. He looked fairly serious for Genrou.

"Kind of." I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this with Genrou but at the same time, there was something about Genrou that made you comfortable. He wasn't the type to judge.

"That's what I figured." Genrou shrugged. "Don't sit around fucking worrying about it, just fix it."

"Just fix it?" I was fairly confused by this advice. Who said anything could really be done that simply?

"Yeah, just be like, 'Oh, Saihitei, I love you so much and I'm so sorry,'" He said this in a horrible falsetto that was actually somewhat entertaining. "And then he'll say, 'Let's go run away together!'" This was said in a much deeper voice then usual. I hit him on the back in a friendly gesture for this impression but I had forgotten that in this world my strength was a great deal more then in the real world so Genrou fell straight off the log.

"Whoops, sorry Genrou." I apologized.

"Thanks a fucking lot." Genrou rubbed his back as he got back in his seat. "You're one weird girl Kourin."

"AHH!" Miaka yelped in surprise. Genrou and I both got up and ran towards the river where the fishing was going on. I saw that they had far more luck together in the fishing department. Miaka was pointing at a tree behind Saihitei and Kishuku. "There! Did you seem him?!"

"I don't see anyone." Kishuku was studying the tree. "Are you sure Miaka?"

"I know what I saw!" Miaka folded her arms. Then she looked over at me pleadingly. "You believe me, right Kourin?"

"I believe you." I did really. I think Miaka saw something. As to whether it was actually a person, I didn't know. I looked at the other trees. But there was nothing. If there was something, then how could it disappear so fast?

"We've got enough fish, let's get dinner done." Kishuku appeared somewhat distracted by something. I felt bad for Kishuku; he had a lot on his plate. Being a seishi, being in love with a woman he wasn't allowed to touch, and now a phantom person who apparently looked like a fox.

We were all trying to stay alert after we cooked the fish and ate them but I knew that no one really thought of the person Miaka had seen twice as a real threat. I chewed on a piece of fish and tried not to think about my troubles with Saihitei.

Genrou had said to just make up and get it done with. But it wasn't that easy. It didn't feel that easy anyways.

We all got our blankets to sleep for the night. As I was putting my down, I noticed that Saihitei was putting his down away from everyone else's. I felt a lump in my throat but I tried to swallow it as I bravely made my way over to where he was about to lie down.

He looked up at me, his amber eyes focusing on me in a questioning way. What was I doing?

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my eyes looking down. I half expected him to ignore me because I had been so horrible earlier. He sat straight up.

"Kourin…" His expression was not nearly as sad as I put my blankets down next to him. "You don't have to apologize, you were right, I shouldn't be worrying—"

"It was wrong of me to say that." I dropped down into my blankets. "It was stupid. Everyone's always worrying about me and I don't know why because I'm not that important…"

"I'm worrying about you because you _are_ important." Saihitei's voice was low. I looked up at him, not understanding his words. I was important to Saihitei? "Kourin…do you remember how you told Genrou that I wanted to marry you?"

"Yeah." I blushed a little and fiddled with a corner of blanket. "I only said that—"

"I know, to get them to return you." Saihitei finished. "I wanted you to know, I didn't mind." My eyes went wide. What did _that_ mean? "But…there was something I did mind…"

"What?" I barely choked out. My heart was going like a jackhammer and I felt a little dizzy.

"When you kissed that man." Saihitei answered and I noticed that Saihitei had gotten a lot closer to me. "He shouldn't have been allowed to touch you…" One of Saihitei's hands touched my face and I was trembling all over.

"Saihitei…" That was about the only thing my mind was capable of thinking of saying at that moment.

"I wanted you to know…I'm in love with you." Saihitei confessed and I thought that the moment was impossible. "I…hope you don't mind." He gave me the smallest, most adorable smile ever. I thought I might melt into a puddle.

_Tell him Ryuuen. _

_ Tell him you're a boy. _

_ Tell him now. _

And I opened my mouth to do it but nothing came out. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell him. Not now. Probably not ever from the way he was looking at me. I knew I should probably say _something _but it felt like my vocal cords weren't working.

But at that moment everything was interrupted because there was a yell from Miaka that was some unintelligible syllable and then a strange crashing noise and then Kishuku swearing.

It was dark and the fire had died down so we couldn't see at all over there. We got up immediately.

"What's going on?" I asked Kishuku.

"I had him! I had him!" Kishuku insisted over and over again.

"Had who?" Saihitei was at my side. I felt my face heat up as I thought to a few moments before.

_Saihitei's in love with me. _

It's hard to explain what I was feeling at that moment. Sure there was that ever present worry about telling them the truth but it was somewhat outweighed for the moment by this strange feeling. I felt like lying down and going to sleep and running around in circles all at once.

_I'm in love with Saihitei. _

That's all I could think. I was a real asset to the seishi now that all other thoughts had left my head.

"The fox guy." Miaka answered. "He was here. But then Kishuku tried to grab him and he disappeared again."

"I'm beginning to really think this guy _is _a fox." I nodded my head, trying to push down my sappy thoughts for the moment and concentrate on my seishi duties. 'Cause that was the order of priorities. At least, that's what I kept trying to remind myself of.

_But he said it! He's actually in love with me…_

I glanced over at him, wondering if he looked goofy like I probably did. He gave me a smile and I went bright red. Wow, enemies watch out for the oh so fearsome Nuriko.

"I'm not a fox no da." A voice told us and a strange ringing sound accompanied it. We all whirled around to see a guy dressed as a monk standing there. He had a strangely happy face but I figured he was just one of those really cheerful people or something. In his hand was a staff with rings which would explain the ringing sound.

"Who are you?" Miaka asked him.

"I'm Houjun no da." And with that he pulled on a kasa that had been hanging from around his neck and promptly disappeared inside of it, causing the kasa to fall to the ground. We all turned to look at each other.

"Who?" I finally uttered and the others shrugged.

_Things are getting stranger every minute. _

If that wasn't enough, that's the moment my body started to wake up.

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Phew! What a chapter! That was fun, wasn't it? Heehee. I always feel awkward when it comes to love confession scenes. I always feel like I'm doing them wrong. Comments, complaints, I don't care, just review!

Oh, Miaka said that thing about Houjun looking like a fox which is funny because in Japanese mythology, a fox can take on the shape of a human or disguise itself. Foxes are supposed to have lots of magical powers. Just inside info no da.


	13. Demon

I'm going to do all my updates and so I thought I'd start with this one. I loved the feedback on that last chapter! I know, mostly I'm very paranoid that I'm going to get the love scene wrong and someone will say something about it but I try hard to make them nice. Teresa's even said that I'm not bad at them. Oh well. I'm sure you want to know what Ryuuen's up to.

Just a note: Some of you may have been confused that Houjun can use his kasa and stuff. Well, I figure that he's technically a monk and monks seem to be very powerful all by themselves in anime. Like Miroku from Inuyasha. Also, there are 'ofuda' in this episode which, for those of you who don't know, are charms that monks and miko use. They're spells on paper used for exorcising demons and stuff.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst, cool stuff, and CD players…

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Thirteen

When I woke up, I slowly opened my eyes and turned on my side. The sun was drifting through my blinds a little too brightly. I was surprised to see that I was in bed at all. The last thing I was remembered was passing out on the couch thanks to Rokou's efforts. I figured he must have carried me up here. My eyes blurred and focused on my digital clock.

I sat straight up, grabbing the clock. Nine o'clock in the morning! I was late for school! I set it down and was about to get up when my door opened and my mother poked her head inside.

"Are you awake Ryuuen?" She asked in an almost curious voice.

"Yeah, I can't believe I overslept! Did Rokou oversleep too?" I questioned as I pulled my covers off and started to get up. No wonder I fell asleep, I hadn't slept for about two days before.

"Rokou said you were having trouble sleeping at all…" My mother bit her lip. "He said we should just let you sleep today."

"He…did?" I started to sit back down in bed.

"Yes, I thought it was a good idea too. You were looking ill…" My mother explained. "If you're having trouble sleeping, you can always take those pills Ryuuen."

"I know." I flopped back onto my bed. "Thanks mom." I looked up and smiled at her and her own face lit up in a smile. I was starting to feel a little sleepy again. "Can you tell Rokou I said it's okay and thanks?"

"Of course." My mother didn't quite understand the message but seemed to be happy to do something for me. I realized just how little I had interacted with my mom as of late. It was sad really, I hadn't meant to push her away but that's exactly what I had done to my entire family.

I slid out of bed again and went over to her. I stood there, looking at her unsurely for a few moments and she was staring at me as though she had no idea what I was doing. Then I leaned forward and threw my arms around her.

She hugged me tightly and I knew that she loved me no matter what I had done to her. It was the reassurance that made me feel a hundred times better. When I finally broke the hug, I saw that a few tears had rolled down her cheeks.

"Sorry I've been so horrible." I mumbled.

"I understand." My mother cupped my face in her hands. "You loved her with your whole heart…it takes time to mend a heart. Sometimes it feels like it'll never hurt any less and it never really does but you get used to the pain and then you know that it's alright to go on. You have a very strong heart Ryuuen."

"Heh, seems like everyone's saying that now a days." I joked weakly.

"Why don't you go and see if you can sleep some more?" My mother suggested. "When I came in earlier…you seemed like you were having a good dream." I blushed a little. I had seemed to have forgotten the fact that Saihitei had just said he loved me and that we had a weird monk on our hands as well.

My mom left and I tried to go back to sleep. I found my mind so pleased with the fact that I'd be seeing Saihitei again that it was hard to go to sleep. I took two pills and put on my headphones, listening to some classical music. It helps sometimes when I can't sleep.

Soon the drugs and the music worked their magic and my eyes closed once more.

-----------------------

I appeared a few feet in the air and thus ended up landing rather hard on my back. Why couldn't I just appear _on_ the ground? Was I really asking too much? I saw that it was early morning and that everyone was asleep. Everyone but Kishuku who was a little away from the sleepers.

He was practicing kung fu movements and I watched with some fascination until he noticed me.

"Oh, Kourin." Kishuku greeted me. "I didn't expect you back so soon."

"It's okay." I shrugged. "I hadn't been sleeping well and now I'm sort of over sleeping."

"What's that on your head?" Kishuku pointed at me, looking like I had a flower growing out of the head or something. I reached up and realized I was still wearing my headphones. I remembered that I usually appeared in the clothes that were mine from the other world. Maybe whatever was on me came with me!

"They're called headphones." I explained. Then I noticed the CD player in my hand as well. "This is a CD player."

"CD player?" Kishuku repeated, obviously having no idea what I was talking about.

"Yeah, it plays music." I told him. I took off the headphones and held them out towards him. "Put them on so they're covering your ears."

"Okay." Kishuku put them on the way that they were on my head. I pressed the play button and his entire face lit up with pure amazement. "Kourin! There's music in these! There's musicians in here!"

"Not quite." I laughed at him. I'm sure these things _did _seem rather extraordinary considering he came from a time that didn't have any sort of electronics.

"It's amazing!" Kishuku exclaimed, looking rather child-like with delight. He took off the headphones and handed them back to me rather reluctantly.

"What are you up to?" I questioned.

"Remember that monk that showed up out of the blue? He hasn't been back but we've been taking shifts as we don't know if he'll show up again or not." Kishuku informed me. "I'm on my shift now. I was just practicing these movements. They help me think."

"Can I try them with you?" I was eager to do _something _and it'd probably help the next time in a fight. So Kishuku showed me what to do and I did remember stuff from when I had first found out I was a seishi and we had done a little training.

This was different though, it was like tai chi or something, going through different movements. It made me feel very strong and it was a little like dancing as you wanted to look graceful while doing them.

"Whad'ja doing'?" Genrou had woken up and was talking rather sleepily as he approached us. He rubbed his eyes again. "Oh, you're here."

"Hey Genrou." I waved.

"Show him the thing!" Kishuku encouraged me, making little shooing motions with his hands towards Genrou. "The VD player or whatever."

"CD player." I corrected as I snickered but tried to cover it up. Genrou was eager to see with this invention did but was a lot louder with his reaction than Kishuku had been.

"THERE'S INSTURMENTS IN THERE!" Genrou roared in shock. "Kourin, how did you fit fucking musicians in there? Are they alive?! Is it magic?!"

"What's going on?" Miaka had woken up now. "Why is Genrou yelling?"

"There's fucking people inside Kourin's BD player!" Genrou told her, taking off the headphones.

"CD player." I corrected again. "Here, let Miaka listen to it." Miaka eagerly took the headphones from Genrou, careful not to touch him while doing so, and than her face changed completely.

"Oh Kourin! There's music!" Miaka clapped her hands together with delight. "It's wonderful!"

"I see I've missed something while I was sleeping." A voice came from behind me and I felt my face heat up. Saihitei was awake.

"Oh yeah…" I mumbled as I turned to look at him. He was smiling at me. "Well see I went to sleep and—"

"Listen! Her PD player has music!" Miaka took off the headphones and handed them to me.

"CD player." My eyebrow twitched as I corrected her mistake. I offered them to him, feeling a little silly and he put them on. His eyes widened in wonder and I found myself very pleased that he liked it.

_That is so dorky Ryuuen. _

_ So?_

"What an amazing invention…" Saihitei breathed. "Is it like a music box?"

"Um…kind of." I agreed. "It's different though because it has electricity and batteries…" Everyone had a completely blank face. "Anyways, yeah, like a music box."

"You would come from a world of amazing things." Saihitei said softly and I went scarlet.

After the excitement over the CD player, we had breakfast and then packed up camp. It was a nice day outside and so we went along slowly, talking and joking with each other. That was until we passed the stranger on the road.

There was nothing extraordinary about this stranger. He was just walking along slowly, hobbling with a stick as he was old. We had passed travelers before but we just sort of nodded at them. This time was different because Miaka spoke to the stranger.

"Good day." She greeted him politely.

"Not a good day for you if you keep traveling this road in that direction." The old man told us.

"Why?" Saihitei questioned him.

"Didn't you hear?" The old man seemed surprised. "The road leads through more forest and eventually you'll reach a lake. They say a demon lives in that lake that becomes whatever you want to see most and then leads you to your death."

"A demon?" Kishuku looked at the rest of us.

"Yes, you should probably come back the way you came." The man told us.

"If you're coming from that direction…perhaps you met this demon?" Saihitei inquired, raising a curious eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah, if you came from that direction, how do we know you aren't in league with the demon?" Genrou pointed a finger rather accusingly and Kishuku and I hit our hands to our foreheads at the exact same time.

"Way to have tact Genrou." I rolled my eyes.

"The demon couldn't touch me." The old man reached into his robes and pulled out an ofuda. "A monk I met gave me this."

"A monk?" Miaka spoke and I knew she was thinking of that Houjun person.

"Yes, he's always wandering these parts." The old man nodded. "Very powerful and his ofuda ward away demons."

"Does he look like a fox?" Miaka questioned.

"I suppose…" The old man trailed off looking at Miaka strangely. "Always has a smile on his face."

"That sounds like the monk we met!" I exclaimed.

"It very well could be." Saihitei agreed. "Thank you for your warning sir but we'll take our chances."

"Just be careful." The old man advised us. "Don't be deceived." And with that he went hobbling on. We looked at each other from our horses, hesitating slightly.

"We need to see that monk again." Miaka said determinedly. "Our clue is 'monk' and don't you think it's a coincidence that we ran into one?"

"Miaka's right, we can't turn around." I said as I adjusted the horse's reins. "So let's go." The others agreed with this point and we all went forward.

When we hit the woods, it felt spookier and I began to worry. What if the demon showed up? I figured it would be alright if it showed up with all of us around. If it only turned into what we wanted to see most and we were in a group, it wouldn't know what to turn into.

At one point we decided to stop and stretch a little before going on. We had yet to see the lake that the stranger had told us about but I think our worries were subsiding a little. The woods were less dense here and the sunlight shining through made it seem like every other forest we had been through.

As I stretched my arms above my head, I heard an unmistakable sound.

It was laughter.

I had heard this particular laugh over a thousand times, I knew exactly who it belonged to and my heart began to thump. There was no way…it was impossible but…

Without hesitation I ran after it, ignoring the others who suddenly shouted with surprise and started coming after me. I willed myself to run faster.

_Because…that laugh…_

_ It's Kourin's._

Suddenly I had run through a small clearing and came upon a beautiful lake. Playing in the water only so it came up to their ankles was a purple haired girl.

"Kourin!" I yelled in happiness and surprise. The girl turned her head and it _was_ Kourin. It was Kourin! "Kourin!"

"Ryuuen, you found me." Kourin smiled at me, her rose-colored eyes exactly as I had remembered them. "I've been looking all over for you."

"Kourin…" I stumbled forward towards her, the water splashing at my ankles.

"Ryuuen, I've been so lonely without you." Kourin looked down at her hands, the way she would when she confessed something. "I didn't mean to leave you all alone…"

"I know you didn't." My eyes were full of tears. "I know you didn't Kourin. It's alright."

"It's alright now. Everything's going to be alright." Kourin held out her arms to me. I went forward blindly and put my arms around her. I felt very light, as though I was weightless.

I took a deep breath and felt something flooding into me.

The darkness began to close in around me but I didn't notice as I held Kourin in my arms. I finally had her back.

-----------------------

Dun, dun, DUN!!!! What's going to happen? I can't tell you, you'll have to stay tuned! Please review!


	14. Monk

Sorry about the cliffhanger! But it felt so right…anyways, listening to my personalized radio station which you get for signing up for the yahoo messenger service. This is the only reason I downloaded it, heh. Okay, I bet you guys are ready to find out what happened to Ryuuen now. Hell, you probably aren't even reading this, you probably just skipped right to the good stuff. Not that I blame you.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst. Genrou cusses. Shock!

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Fourteen

            Strangely in the darkness that I felt was gently carrying me away, I heard someone yell my name. The voice was trying to call me back but I was there, I was with Kourin. Who would want to take me away from that? Who wouldn't want me to be with my little sister?

            Someone was yelling Kourin. Maybe they were excited to see her too.

            _Wait…am I…in Konan? _

It all felt so very far away that the thought sort of jolted me. Konan. That meant they were yelling for me. Yelling for me because they thought I was Kourin.

            More shouting, splashing. Why was there splashing? The water wasn't that deep.

            "Ryuuen…" Kourin spoke to me softly. "Don't leave me here…"

            "I won't." I smiled and held her close to me. "I won't leave you here by yourself."

            Arms went around my waist and tugged at me. Kourin looked horrified and angry. I clenched my teeth, angry at this person, angry for trying to take me away. They tugged again and grabbed them, using my strength to shove them away and go straight back to Kourin.

            Her open arms were waiting for me. I was about to grab them when the person, this interferer hit my head. I blinked hard, seeing not Kourin but watery darkness. I was in the water. I was _under _the water.

            "Kourin!" I tried to yell for her but water was in my mouth and in my lungs and I realized that I had been tricked by the demon. I had fallen right into the trap. I was going to die here, in this horrible lake.

            Kourin was there, looking cruelly at me. Even though I knew she was an illusion and that she was a demon, I couldn't help it. I wanted it so badly.

            "Kourin…" My eyes started to close. What was the point? What was the point of fighting it when I could be with Kourin? When I died, I'd be with Kourin again and she would be smiling. There wouldn't be this lake or drowning or anything bad…

            _It would be so beautiful…_

_            Just the two of us…_

I thought of Kourin's face, the face I saw as she died in my memory. I wanted to see that face so badly that it didn't matter if I was looking into a demon's eyes or not. Died…when she did…that's the first time I had come here…

            _A little boy…with amber eyes…_

_            The most amazing amber eyes…_

_            Saihitei…_

I heard the strangest noise and felt the strangest sensation going through my whole body. It felt like electricity, flowing through me but different. And not only that but…I wasn't drowning anymore.

            I was alive.

            There was air in me…but how was that possible. My eyes started to lift and I saw that Saihitei's mouth was covering my own as he attempted to breathe air into my lungs. Just a brief moment where our eyes met and I knew…

            _I love you, no matter what. _

Then the water came up into my mouth and Saihitei pulled away so I could cough it out. I was gulping the air in and also noticing that I was soaking wet. My hair and clothes were dripping.

            "…Don't know what the fuck she was thinking." Genrou's voice commented to someone.

            "Shhh, give her a moment." Kishuku quieted him.

            "Kourin?" Miaka asked tentatively. I opened my eyes wide to see that I was sitting up, right next to Saihitei, who was kneeling on both his knees next to me. The other three were standing there. Saihitei was soaking wet as well so I knew who else had gone in the water. Kishuku was also wet and I wondered if it was him who had hit me on the head. Miaka was drying tears away from her eyes hastily, probably not wanting me to know she had been crying. Genrou was perfectly dry and standing there, trying not to look like he had been worried. I smiled.

            "Heeeeey." I waved cheerfully at them.

            "That's all you can say?!" Genrou roared in disbelief. "'Hey'?! You scared the shit out of us with that fucking suicide attempt you just pulled!"

            "Genrou." Saihitei's voice hushed him. "Please."

            "Was it the demon?" Kishuku asked curiously.

            "Yeah…yeah it was." I admitted, shivering and not looking at the lake. Why did it have to appear as Kourin? Why did I have to be reminded how much I missed her? How much I wanted to see her again?

            "Oh Kourin, how awful." Miaka put a comforting hand on my arm.

            "It's okay, really. I-I'm fine." I was completely shaken. I was not fine. I had almost died and part of me wouldn't have minded at all. I was just going to leave them. I was so selfish!

            "Fucking scared us." Genrou shook his head.

            "Yeah, so scared that Genrou here didn't jump in to help." Kishuku gave Genrou a sideways challenging look.

            "I'm a fucking mountain man, I don't swim!" Genrou turned red at his own announcement. The two proceeded to get into a rather harmless wrestling match. I tried to laugh at it. They were just trying to cheer me up and take my mind off the lake. I glanced back towards it but saw nothing but water.

            "You two!" Miaka got up to make sure they didn't actually injure each other and I was left sitting there with Saihitei next to me.

            I wasn't sure what to say and the pressure to say _something _was beginning to mount as the moments passed. He had saved my life and had given me mouth to mouth which sent a strange mixture of thrills and shivers down my spine. It was of course to save me but there was something strangely exciting about the idea that it was practically kissing.

            And then of course I had been thinking of drifting away and I was being pulled in so many directions. What could I possibly do? And had everyone purposely left me and Saihitei alone so that we could talk?

            To confuse matters more, it was at that moment that Saihitei wrapped his arms around me, pulling me backwards into him.

            "Kourin…" His whisper was so fierce that I wondered how frightened and worried he had become when I went into that lake. "I won't ask what you saw…I just…I thought you were just going to disappear. I thought you were dead when Kishuku and I pulled you out of that lake."

            "I'm…I'm sorry." I apologized and that's when I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't strong enough to resist the demon. I wasn't strong enough to fight. I wasn't strong enough to be a seishi.

            _So why am I Nuriko? _

_            I was so close to just giving up…_

"I'm sorry I was so weak." I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "I'm sorry that I thought I could just leave and I didn't think about anyone but me…I'm sorry…"

            "Kourin…" Saihitei was surprised by my words. I turned and hugged my face against his chest and his arms wrapped around me more tightly.

            "I…I love you." I murmured as my eyes closed. It was so comfortable and warm to just sit there like this. It felt like I didn't have to worry about anything. That everything would turn out alright.

            "I love you." Saihitei echoed as his hand went to my cheek and he tilted my head up towards him. Our lips pressed together for a long sweet moment.

            _I love you…so don't hate me when you find out the truth…_

_            Don't hate me one day…_

------------------------

            Something was wrong. We were ready to leave the forest a little later and I thought it was odd I hadn't woken up yet. I didn't really question it, the longer I could stay was good.

            Miaka awed over the two of us but when she did I had a horrible guilty feeling in my stomach. She wasn't allowed to even touch Kishuku. I could see the pained smile on Kishuku's face. I wished I could just come out and say it but I was so afraid that Saihitei would hate me if I did.

            Genrou made teasing remarks but was obviously happy for us. He seemed to notice Kishuku's mood. I felt like I should at least go talk to Kishuku and so I excused myself away from the others to find him. He was just a little bit away, sitting on a log and looking at the ground.

            "You shouldn't wander off wander off. Remember what happened last time." I gave him a small forced smile, trying to fake that I was okay with the earlier events.

            "Hey Kourin." Kishuku greeted me. "I just wanted to think for a moment."

            "Look…um…" I sat down on the log next to him. "If you need to talk about something…you can go ahead and talk about it with me."

            "It's obvious isn't it?" Kishuku turned towards me. "I…I told Miaka that I…I'm in love with her."

            "Alright." I didn't want to tell him I had been eavesdropping.

            "And I know that it's stupid because she can't touch a man or she'll be defiled. She can't even…just hold my hand or anything…its torture…" Kishuku confess. "She loves me too. It's just not fair! It's not like I'm not happy for you and Saihitei. You're both good people…I'm just mad because…I can't be with her the way I want to be. The way she wants to be with me."

            "Maybe…it isn't hopeless." I bit my lip. "If you're in love with her…then you fell in love knowing that you couldn't even touch her. Which means you really _do _love her. Miaka…she needs people to love her. If you're always there to love her…she'll always be there to love you."

            "Kishuku? Kourin?" Miaka came up from behind us.

            "We're probably worrying the others." I hit Kishuku on the back and he flew forward and hit the ground, the same way Genrou had when I had hit him on the back. "Oh, whoops, forgot about that whole super strength thing." I put a hand up to my mouth and giggled.

            "Yeah, whoops." Kishuku gave me a humorless look.

            "What were you two talking about?" Miaka questioned curiously.

            "Nothing." I smiled pleasantly at her. Miaka was wearing her priestess robes as usual, though less ornate. She had many ribbons tied around her waist in addition to her sash. I guess she had to keep some stuff around just because she was used to it. Then I got an idea. "Here, Miaka, give me one of your ribbons for a second."

            "Okay." Miaka untied one of the ribbons, which really had no use anyways, and handed it to me.

            "Here." I held out one end to her. She looked confused but took it from me. I took the other end over to Kishuku. "Here." Kishuku stared for a few moments and looked from the ribbon in my hand, to me, to Miaka. He took hold of it. "You said you wanted to at least be able to hold her hand…so this is close, right?"

            Kishuku smiled gratefully and Miaka's face lit up.

            "Let's go back to camp." I suggested, walking in front of them. I glanced back to see Kishuku and Miaka looking at each other with what can only be described as love as they walked along, each holding onto an end of the ribbon.

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            We decided to stay in the forest. Our thinking was that if the demon showed up again, this time we would try to destroy it. I wasn't sure what our real plan for this was but we all knew the demon should be taken care of so that no one else fell under its spell.

            But as the day left, I still hadn't woken up from this world. I wondered if something was wrong. Or maybe I had been really tired and my body was trying to catch up on sleep.

            Something felt wrong though. I couldn't tell what it was.

            "You still haven't woken up." Saihitei pointed out as we made camp for the night. It was like he had read my mind.

            "Yeah, I'm sure it's okay." I shrugged. "Maybe I was more tired than I thought I was."

            Saihitei didn't say anything else on the matter. We ate dinner and then decided we would take turns being on watch. We also decided to do it in pairs and Kishuku and Genrou took the first shift.

            I began to feel drowsy and went to sleep almost right away. I thought I would wake up in my own bedroom but I didn't. I just slept and had dreams.

            I woke up for a few moments after sleeping for awhile and didn't know why. Then I heard a voice.

            "I know you're hiding you devil." A voice that I thought I had heard before was saying. "I'm going to drive you out, no da."

            I went to open my eyes and that's when something slapped rather hard against my forehead.

            "He--!" I only barely got out before the pain hit me. A horrible pain that wracked my whole body. It felt like something was being ripped from my body but it kept trying to hold on.

            I heard other voices, possibly the others having woken up or noticing what was happening. An image of Kourin was in my head and it kept slipping away and I kept trying to bring it back and hold onto it.

            "Let it go!" The voice ordered.

            I didn't understand why this voice wanted me to let go of Kourin. I couldn't though, I just couldn't…she…

            _Kourin's dead._

_            Kourin's dead…so why are you trying to hold onto her?_

It made sense in my head all of a sudden. I was trying to hold onto something that I could never have back. It hurt but I suddenly relaxed and let the image of Kourin float away.

            _Good-bye…Kourin…_

I yelled in pain as something tore free from me. I opened my eyes to see Houjun, the strange monk we had seen before standing right next to me. His face wasn't looking at me but at something next to me. I turned to see a disgusting monster screeching and wriggling with discomfort.

            "It's the demon!" Miaka's voice came from behind me, confirming that the others were awake. An arm went around my shoulder.

            "Are you alright Kourin?" Saihitei asked me.

            "Yes, I'm alright." I stood up rather shakily with him.

            "You aren't the first person tricked by this demon no da." Houjun looked very serious for his strangely happy face. "It's not always in one place no da so it's very hard to hunt and kill."

            The demon roared in anger and suddenly fired tiny but very painful looking sparks of light at us. Houjun jumped in front of us and twirled his staff in a circle very quickly, over and over again, deflecting all the little sparks.

            Except one.

            It hit him on the knee and ripped his clothes. A red sign glowed there where the clothing was torn.

            Another seishi. Houjun jumped up and struck the demon on the head with his staff. The demon seemed to be hurt by this but Houjun jumped back.

            "It's a water demon, if it gets back into the lake, it's hopeless." Houjun told us.

            "Water demon eh?" Genrou stepped forward, taking out his tessen. "Rekka SHINEN!" He swept it and the fire engulfed the demon.

            It made a horrible wailing noise and Houjun pelted it with little ofuda that amazingly enough did not burn up in the fire. The demon exploded into tiny light particles that quickly dissipated.

            "You're Chichiri!" Miaka had finally gotten a good look at the character on Houjun's knee. "You're one of the Suzaku no Shichiseishi."

            "Um…" On close inspection, I saw part of Houjun's face was peeling away. "Um your face…" Houjun touched the loose part tentatively.

            "Oh, there goes that one no da." Houjun grabbed his face with one hand and pulled the whole thing away, causing me and Miaka to fall over backwards together. He turned towards Genrou. "Thanks for the help no da. That's a pretty handy fan."

            "No big deal." Genrou muttered and looked a little embarrassed.

            "He's…wearing a mask…" Miaka and I were still a little dazed. I felt the familiar sensation that meant I was going to fade away.

            "Bye guys, see you in awhile." I waved at them. "Nice to meet you Houjun."

            "And you." Houjun shook my hand just as I was about to leave.

            All's in a good day's work.

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            Please review!


	15. Illness

I'm back, from outer space…just kidding. I've been happy about all the reviews I've been receiving this story because I thought this story was going to be one of those that got like twenty reviews at most. (And half of them would be from Teresa.) But instead lots of people seem to like this story. Which is good, because so do I! I feel like this story always writes itself the easiest.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst. Cussing (Tasuki is bad!).

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Fifteen

I woke up, went to school. My mind was on the other world though. I was curious about Houjun and what his story might be. The others were probably hearing all about it and I felt bad for missing out. Of course they'd have to explain the fact that I lived in a completely different world!

_I wonder if the last two senshi live in this world as well!_

_ That would be something…_

When it came time for bed I have to confess I was pretty excited. I wanted to know what Saihitei was up to and whether Miaka and Kishuku were any happier and what Genrou was trying to set on fire.

I really missed the fact that Saihitei wasn't in the real world. Why did we have to live in separate worlds?

_But if we didn't…he would know I'm a boy._

I appeared at sunset in the land of Konan, nearly landing in the fire if it hadn't been Genrou's fast thinking and faster reflexes. He caught me in my arms and landed on the other side of the fire.

"Thanks Genrou, you're my hero." I batted my eyelashes and clutched my hands together. He dropped me on my ass.

"Whatever, just didn't want you to fall in the fucking fire." Genrou looked irritable. So, nothing new. "Saihitei and Houjun are fishing."

"Okie dokie." I saluted him and looked around the camp. "Where are we?" There were a couple of trees and I could hear the sound of water behind them but our camp was in open fields.

"We're heading towards some village because of Miaka." Genrou explained. I blinked in confusion.

"What happened to Miaka?" I asked.

"Oh fuck, I forgot, you weren't here." Genrou hit his forehead. "After you disappeared, Miaka passed out and we didn't know what the fuck to do because there weren't any girls around and we weren't allowed to touch her. But luckily Houjun knows some cool magic tricks and got her on a blanket and we carried her like that. Saihitei had to pay some guy off on the road to give up his wagon and that's where Miaka is right now." I glanced over at the horses and saw a small uncovered wagon and Kishuku sitting on the railings of it.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked.

"She's complaining about a fever or something." Genrou shrugged. "I don't know, she's sick, I ain't a fucking doctor."

"Gee, had me fooled for a second." I rolled my eyes. "I'll go see what I can do."

_Miaka…argh, I should have just told them. I should have just said I was a guy and then they would have taken care of you a little better. Kishuku's a wreck…_

"Hey, Miaka." I approached the wagon and heard some coughing. Miaka looked up at me weakly.

"Hey Kourin." Miaka greeted me with a small tired smile. "I'm not feeling so well." I put a hand on her forehead and knew Miaka was burning up.

"Do you want some water?" I asked her.

"I had some but I'm too tired to drink any without spilling now." Miaka looked at a cup next to her and then back at me.

"Here." I climbed up into the wagon as Kishuku watched and picked her head up carefully while picking up the water cup with the other one. I carefully tilted the cup against her lips and she drank steadily before I pulled it away. "You're probably okay, you just need some medicine."

"We're heading to a village but we thought we should stop and rest for Miaka." Kishuku spoke up, a dark look on his face. "I wanted to ride on ahead and bring the doctor back but Saihitei thinks it would be better if we all went."

"She'll be fine, just like I said." I got up and went over to put a hand on his shoulder. "Just keep her company, it'll make her feel better."

"I will." Kishuku smiled. "Thanks Kourin."

I went to go see how the fishing was going and saw both Houjun and Saihitei sitting there with fishing poles. Houjun seemed to be doing a lot better than Saihitei but then he was a wandering monk, he probably had to go fishing all the time.

I thought I'd be clever and sneak up on them but Houjun knew I was coming.

"Saihitei?" He turned towards Saihitei who looked at him curiously. "You have company no da." Saihitei turned and saw me, his face lighting up in a smile while I thought I was going to melt in a puddle.

"You gave it away!" I pretended to be mad at Houjun. Then I ran and glomped Saihitei. "Hiya Saihitei!"

"Hello Kourin." Saihitei hugged me back.

"Saihitei was telling me all about you no da." Houjun mentioned after a few minutes of hugging. "That you're from another world."

"That's right." I beamed. "I come here when I sleep."

"I was thinking, for you to make the initial jump, something must have shocked your body and mind no da." Houjun went on and I stared at him in wonder. "Something that made you want to leave no da." Then he turned towards me. "Did something bad happen to you right before you arrived here the first time?"

_How…how does he know that?_

"Actually…" I turned back towards the river and was aware of Saihitei's arm around me. "Someone very close to me died."

"Amazing what happens and makes reality shift no da…" Houjun trailed off. "Who was it that died?"

"My sister…" I said after a few moments. "My little sister."

"I too have lost a loved one." Houjun spoke sadly. "More than one though no da."

"Really?" I was curious about this strange man that had wandered to us and was one of us.

"My best friend and my fiancée." Houjun answered.

"That must have been very hard." Saihitei said sympathetically. "What happened to them?"

"That demon, the one that we killed…I had been hunting it for quite some time no da." Houjun's happy face made it very hard to tell what he was thinking. "I was hunting it because it is the reason…that they are dead."

"It killed them both?" I put a hand to my chest, feeling horrible for Houjun.

"No…it only killed one of them." Houjun corrected, shaking his head. "It can take the shape of many things, not just what you want to see most like it's rumored. It likes to take lives, lives filled with despair at the end. When I saw it, I was living in a village far away next to a river.

"I was at the river one day when I saw…my fiancée, Kouran, and my best friend Hikou. We had all grown up together and were so close. But they were kissing. I didn't know it was a demon and I thought…I thought it really _was_ them. I found the two later and accused them. Kouran kept trying to say she didn't know what I was talking about but I wouldn't listen to her…"

"Oh my god…" I breathed. "That's…that's horrible…"

"Kouran ran out of the house and towards the river. Hikou kept telling me that it wasn't true at all." Houjun reached up and very gently, pulled away the mask he was wearing. He had yellow eyes but I could see only one side of his face because he was looking straight on and not at me. "Kouran was tricked by the demon…I had finally left and Hikou followed me, trying to get me to listen…Kouran jumped in the river just as I was reaching her. The river was swollen because of the flood. Hikou began crying and accusing me of driving her to committing suicide. We saw her being swept off so quickly we knew we'd never reach her.

"Hikou pulled out his sword and we began fighting…we were both in a rage and then it happened…part of the cliff crumbled out from under Hikou. I grabbed his hand but it started raining and the river was so strong. He slipped out of my hand and was swept away as well…" Houjun turned towards us and I gasped but quickly covered my mouth. Instead of a left eye there was a horrible scar. "Right after that, I swore I'd never forget them and…gave myself this scar. But it upsets people so I always show them my happy face." He put his happy smiling mask back on.

"But it's wrong." I spoke up and Houjun seemed taken aback by my words. "It's wrong to just cover it up…If you don't share your pain with others…how can you heal?"

The words surprised even me. It was as though I had been thinking of them all along but never had the courage to say them out loud.

_You shut your family out…_

_ And you tried to shut Saihitei out…_

_ Aren't you still shutting him out by now telling him the truth?_

"I suppose…I suppose you're right no da." Houjun nodded slowly. I turned my head and saw Genrou standing there gaping at Houjun. Houjun turned towards him too and Genrou's eyes widened.

"I, uh, yeah." Genrou didn't seem to be thinking coherently. "I just wanted to see how the fishing was going…I didn't mean to fucking listen or anything."

"It's alright." Houjun told him and Genrou stopped looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "We're almost done, no da."

"Yeah, cool." Genrou ran a hand through his unruly orange hair. I looked at him suspiciously.

_What was that about?!_

_ Why's he acting so weird?_

"I'm going to go check on Miaka." I looked at Saihitei. "I'll be right back."

"Alright." Saihitei nodded. I got up and walked past Genrou, apparently patting him too hard on the shoulder because he fell down. After listening to a string of words I didn't even know existed, I went to see Kishuku and Miaka.

"I think she's getting worse." Kishuku told me worriedly. I put my hand on her forehead and it was a lot hotter then it had been.

"I think you're right. We may have to get going now. We need to get to a doctor quickly." I pulled out a handkerchief and splashing water on it before folding it and pressing it against Miaka's forehead.

"Kourin…" Miaka murmured. "Kishuku…"

"Get everyone else, we have to hurry." I ordered Kishuku who quickly obeyed. I was worried about whether or not Miaka would really be okay. I thought it was just a normal fever but now…it was looking much worse.

_Hang in there Miaka…_

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Gee, Miaka needs a doctor? Where could this possibly be leading? Ehehehehehehehe. Okay, well, please review and stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of SOT!


	16. Cat

Hey guys! Well, reviews just keep coming in. Thanks a lot! I should really take this song off repeat. But I like it and I don't want to stop listening to it. I get weird like obsessions with songs and will listen to them over and over again. The current obsession is Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game". So…if this chapter is particularly angsty, blame the song. Or me. It shouldn't be _that _bad.

A fan pointed out to me that it makes no sense that Ryuuen is from the real world while all the other seishi are not. But then, in the series, does it _really_ make sense that the all important miko are from the real world? Cause if you have a really logical reason, you can have a cookie. (But you're buying.)

And Teresa wrote an akugi for the last chapter that I thought I'd share:

When they notice Genrou listening to Houjun's story

Genrou: I, uh, yeah...  
Nuriko: blinks in realization Genrou and Houjun, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes an adopted baby in the baby carriage!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Cussing, angst. Ryuuen feels guilty…so what else is new?

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Somewhere Out There

Chapter Sixteen

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The sun had long since set as we rode along. I was sitting next to Miaka in the wagon, appointing myself as her temporary nurse until we reached a village and found a doctor. Kishuku was riding the horse that was pulling the wagon and he kept turning around to see how she was.

_He's really worried about her…_

Miaka coughed as Kishuku hit a bump in the road and the wagon was jostled. I kept a firm grip on the railing, trying very hard not to accidentally use too much force and break it off or something. I had a brief mental image of myself doing just that and tumbling out of the wagon.

Saihitei was riding his horse in stride with the wagon so that every once and awhile we would look up at the same time and exchange a worried glance. Konan wasn't the most advanced civilizations, what if their medicines didn't work? What if Miaka had something that no doctor could cure?

Not only would it be the end of Konan and it's salvation from attack but it was more then that. It would be the death of _Miaka_. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. Nor would Kishuku. She was like an endearing little sister…but at the same time, I tried to remind myself that she had been chosen by fate to the Suzaku no Miko. She couldn't just die.

_But you touched her…maybe this is the punishment that they give a miko whose touched a man. _

I took the cloth off of Miaka's head and rang it out before re-wetting it and putting it back on her forehead. I didn't have any experience with treating sick people, other then entertaining Kourin. Miaka's eyes were closed but she wasn't asleep, she kept coughing and her brow was furrowed like she was in pain.

"I see lights." Houjun was ahead of us all on what would have been my horse. A wave of relief washed over me. Maybe everything would be okay now.

The stars in the sky were fading and it occurred to me that I'd probably be waking up soon. I pushed that thought out of my head and took a hold of one of Miaka's hands. It was clammy and I squeezed, pretending that I was just as brave as Miaka probably thought I was.

I didn't feel brave at all as we hurried towards the fading lights of a waking village and the slowly brightening sky. We got to the village and hurried in amongst the huts.

Kishuku and Genrou both started calling out at people who were just waking up and starting up work, asking for a doctor. They said that the doctor was at the far end of town.

I had to carry Miaka in my arms but she was light as a feather with my super strength. She was wrapped up in her blanket still. Saihitei was standing next to me and I felt better as we tried to get to the doctor as quickly as possible.

Kishuku asked a person walking by where the doctor lived and the person pointed towards a small house in front of us. He went up to it and walked inside.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" The others went in after him and Saihitei made sure that I got in without accidentally bumping Miaka's head or something and came in after me.

"Yes?" A pleasant female voice came from another room.

"We need a doctor." Kishuku called back.

"I'll be there in a few moments." There were some rustling noises and stepping into the room was a pretty blonde haired woman. She had pale blue eyes and she looked at us curiously, noticing Miaka right away. "Oh please, put her on the bed in here." The woman bustled ahead to another doorway, sliding it open. Inside were several beds, all of which were empty.

I put Miaka down carefully and adjusted her carefully. The woman began examining her, putting her hand on Miaka's forehead after removing the damp cloth. She then pulled the blanket back and put her head to Miaka's chest.

"Please breathe in miss." The woman asked politely. Miaka took a deep breath in. "Hmmm…"

"When the doctor gets here, make sure he doesn't touch her." Kishuku informed the young woman. "She's the Suzaku no Miko and she can't be touched by a man." I looked down at the floor for a moment in guilt.

"Actually…" The woman was hesitant. "I am the doctor."

"You're the fucking doctor?!" Genrou looked somewhat amazed.

"My name is Shouka; I'm pleased to meet you." The young woman bowed her head towards us. At that moment of course, I started to fade away.

"Oh _great_." Was the last thing the others heard before I was gone. Waking up in my bed I immediately knew I couldn't go to school, I had to stay with the others. Miaka was sick after all…we didn't know what it was.

_The others might be able to handle it. _

_ I should still go!_

I shut off my alarm and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. I wrote something to the effect that I had woken up sick and couldn't go to school today. I taped it to my door and then went to the bathroom.

Grabbing the bottle of aspirin out of the medicine cabinet, I congratulated myself on my quick thinking. I had access to modern medicines and it might help Miaka's fever go down! I ran back to my room, closing the door and taking two of my proscribed sleeping pills.

I clutched the aspiring bottle in my hands as I waited for the drugs to kick in.

_Please let Miaka be okay, please let Miaka be okay…_

-------------------------

This time I did not almost get deposited in a fire. I was right back in the room. Shouka was staring at me with rather alarmed eyes. Saihitei, ever the diplomat, tried to explain.

"This is one of our seishi, Kourin is from another world." Saihitei spoke graciously.

"Oh yes…" Shouka didn't seem to really understand but nodded her head anyways.

"I brought aspirin!" I held the bottle out in my hand triumphantly.

"Aspirin?" Genrou and Kishuku chorused together in confusion. It was then that I noticed Houjun had a strange expression on his face. He seemed to be occupied with something and I wanted to know what it was. The look on his face said one thing to me: Something was wrong.

"It's medicine from my world. It should help with her fever and if she has a headache." I explained easily.

"She has all the signs of the plague." Shouka spoke up and I froze.

"Plague?" I questioned slowly. Shouka nodded her head.

"Yes, I'm surprised nobody has come in so far from the village." Shouka glanced at the window. "A plague has been haunting us, one that brings painful fevers and then death."

"Death?" Kishuku croaked.

_Miaka can't die…she just can't._

"There must be something…" Saihitei trailed off, looking pained that there was nothing he could do personally to help.

"Let's try Kourin's medicine." Genrou seemed all in favor of this idea. "She's got music in boxes, her world probably has cures."

"Perhaps we should give it a try." Houjun added on but he still looked rather troubled. Was it because he had heard of the plague while he was traveling and had figured out that she might be infected by the plague?

"You are welcome to try." Shouka nodded her head. Her eyes struck me as rather sad. She probably saw stuff like this all the time being the town doctor.

I took the cup of water from the table next to the bed and sat carefully next to Miaka.

"Okay Miaka, I'm going to put this medicine in your mouth. Don't chew it, just swallow it." I instructed her. She opened her mouth obediently and I put the two pills inside. Then helped her take a drink of water so she could swallow them. She sputtered a little and I knew that she might have gotten a small taste of the aspirin.

The bottle slipped from my fingers (Luckily I had put the cap back on) and it rolled to Houjun's feet. He reached down and picked it up. I went over to retrieve it but he was staring at the bottle.

"What does this say?" Houjun asked, tilting the bottle towards me and I went to read it, having to lean over so that we were right next to each other.

"Are there any other doctors in town Shouka?" I heard Kishuku asking.

"Kourin, put this on Miaka." Houjun's hand moved and revealed an ofuda. "Make sure no one sees you." I took the bottle from him and the ofuda with one hand. I gave him a strange look, not quite understanding the instructions.

"No, there's no one else." Shouka answered.

"I was just making sure…in case Kourin's medicine doesn't work…to see if they could help us at all." Kishuku explained. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"I understand. I've seen enough people die of this illness." Shouka nodded her head. "It is very painful to watch, especially for loved ones." Kishuku blushed a little at being referred to as a 'loved one'. I went over, pretending just to be seeing if the medicine was working and I straightened the blankets, carefully putting the ofuda on Miaka.

She half opened one of her eyes. "Wha—?" I put my fingers to my lips and winked at her so she wouldn't worry.

"You returned quickly to us Kourin." Saihitei commented and I took a few steps away from Miaka so I wouldn't arouse suspicion. I didn't see why it was some big secret but if Houjun said to do it, I wasn't really going to question it.

"Yeah…I…" I tried to think of a good excuse. "I didn't have to wake up yet."

"We should let the patient rest." Shouka suggested. "Perhaps you would like to sit and have tea while she sleeps?"

"I think I'll wait in here." Kishuku answered. "But the rest of you go ahead." We left him alone with Miaka, we understand that he needed to be there with her. The others looked a bit tired and I remembered that they not had any sleep at all.

Just as we were sitting in the front room, Shouka opened her door to go get some water from her well. A cat came in through the door as though it had been waiting for her to open it. It was a white cat with brown paws and brown tipped ears and tail.

Shouka's reaction was surprising; she backed away from it as though scared. It was such a harmless looking cat that I didn't understand. It sniffed Shouka's foot and then began to hiss and growl.

"Is that your cat?" I asked getting up.

"N-no." Shouka's face was white. The cat backed up and went out the door. I don't know why I did this but I went after the cat. It was an urge that welled up inside me even though I heard the others call my name to try and stop me.

I wondered why it hadn't liked Shouka. She seemed like such a nice person. It was running along the street and I chased after the cute cat, wondering how far I would have to go.

It left the edge of the village and I hesitated for a moment. Then I saw it was going up a pathway. Maybe it lived there and I followed it, running and trying to catch up with it.

But the cat stayed just enough ahead of me that I couldn't just grab it. I was paying so much attention to the cat that I didn't realize that a house was right there until I nearly ran into it. Stopping short, I watched the cat jump through a window and into it.

_Does the cat live here? _

A strange curiosity made me go up to the window and look in. The cat was sitting there cleaning itself just inside the window. I was thinking about grabbing it, jut to claim victory at last but I stopped when I noticed a person was inside the hut and surrounded by jars.

_What's he making in those jars?_

_ Unless…_

I thought back to Shouka's room where Miaka was and remembered the same sort of pots in there. Maybe this guy who lived away from the others was secretly a doctor! That would be perfect in case Miaka really did have the plague! The cat had led me to a doctor and suddenly I was very thankful I had followed it.

"Excuse me." I said through the window. The man started and turned towards me. His dark hair was hanging in his eyes and he looked like he needed a good shave.

"What do you want?" He asked gruffly.

"Are you a doctor?" I questioned. "Because if you are, my friend really could use your help. We aren't sure what she has…"

"I don't treat humans." He answered, turning away quickly.

"You can't just ignore a person when they're sick." I said, slightly annoyed. Maybe this person wasn't a doctor at all. In that case, why was I bothering? "Are you a doctor or what?"

"Go away!" He snapped crossly and I took a step back instinctively. Frowning I turned away from the house.

_No wonder he lives way out here…big chip on his shoulder…_

I heard a soft thud behind me and turned to see the cat. Yeah, now it wanted to come near me. I knelt down and held out my hand for it to sniff. The cat came over and gave it a few tentative sniffs and then licked it. It moved closer and I began to pet it.

"Come on, you don't want to have to hang out with that grumpy man do you?" I asked it. The cat sat down and looked at me in an uncanny sort of way. I felt uneasy. "Well, I'm sure he's very nice…" Then it occurred to me I was having a conversation with a cat. I reached out and scooped up the cat in my arms.

"Let's go see the others." I told the cat who only purred in my hands as I continued to pet him. I made my way back down to Shouka's house but just as I was about to go inside, the cat jumped out of my arms and ran off down the street.

_What's with that cat? _

_ It's like it's scared of something in here…_

_----------------------_

I didn't change the song even though I was so tempted to play 'I Ran' by Flock of Seagulls while Ryuuen was chasing the best cat of all around! Will Miaka be okay? What was with Houjun during this chapter? Find out next time! Please review!


	17. Doctor

And it's time for the new chapter! I just have to slap myself so I'll stop acting like I'm tired. I'm not really tired, I'm just yawning because I'm bored. So that's why I should write a new chapter, so I don't feel bored! I planned out the rest of this story! I'm so responsible. Not really, because I've had this file open on my desktop for about two weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst, sadness, demons, other bad things!

* * *

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Seventeen

* * *

The others were a bit upset with me for suddenly running off. ("What the fuck did you run off like that for?!" Genrou had asked in an incredulous tone.) I tried to explain that there was something about the cat that made me want to follow it. I guess it wasn't a real explanation, but then again, I didn't really have anything better to say.

"We were just worried." Saihitei patted my hand comfortingly with his own.

"Oh yeah!" I snapped my fingers as I recalled my discovery. "The cat led me to this house outside the village." I noticed that Shouka looked distinctly tense all of a sudden. "There was this guy living there that was really mean, but I think he was a doctor! He had medicine jars and stuff…but he said he didn't treat humans."

"There's another doctor, no da?" Houjun raised his eyebrows. "I thought you said there weren't any others, Shouka."

"There aren't." Shouka's face looked troubled and her hand was gripping her tea cup so hard that her knuckles were turning white. "That man…he's very dangerous…some people say he's crazy."

"Who's crazy?" Kishuku came out of the room where he had been staying with Miaka. I supposed she was still sleeping, which made me feel a lot better, even though I hadn't realized I myself was feeling tense about that in particular.

"The doctor that Ryuuen found 'cause he chased a freaking cat." Genrou explained casually. "Hey Shouka, you got anything stronger than tea?"

"No…but I could send for something." Shouka gave him a small, uneasy smile.

"You can't possibly be thinking of drinking." I frowned at Genrou. "What if we need you on your toes?"

"Fine." Genrou grumbled, not looking pleased.

"What doctor?" Kishuku inquired, still waiting for a full explanation.

"The apparently crazy doctor that lives outside the village." I explained to the blue-haired young man. "I followed a cat and he led me there."

"You…followed a cat?" Kishuku looked at me strangely for a few moments, as if trying to decide whether or not this anomaly was due to the fact that I was from another world, or if I was just crazy. "Maybe we should go talk to this doctor…"

"That might not be such a good idea." Shouka looked hesitant and bit her lip. "He might endanger my patient's health…"

"He didn't seem like he was very generous." I added on dryly.

"Why don't the rest of you go, and Kourin and I will stay here, no da." Houjun volunteered immediately. I then remembered that he had been acting strangely earlier and I was curious to know _why_. Maybe if I got him alone, he could explain it to me. "To watch over Miaka, no da."

"We'll tell him we'll kick his ass if he doesn't help." Genrou immediately thought of a plan. I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand.

"As sure as I am that your way might work, perhaps we should try doing things in a more dignified manner first." Saihitei had a slightly concerned look on his face. Genrou's people skills weren't exactly the best.

"I strongly advise against this, or at least…wait until sunset, by then we'll be able to tell if the Suzaku no Miko needs further help." Shouka gave us a pleading look and we knew we should consider this idea.

"Alright, we'll wait." Kishuku finally agreed for the rest of us. "Until sunset. Maybe Miaka will be perfectly fine; after all, Kourin's world has amazing stuff!" It seemed to me that Kishuku sounded as though he was trying to force himself to be cheerful. I tried to put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like if Saihitei and Miaka's positions were switched. The thought gave me shivers, and I immediately had to push it away.

* * *

By sunset, Miaka still hadn't woken up. I wondered if it was partly because she hadn't been able to sleep much the night before, and now she was sick. Before he left, Kishuku was sitting next to Miaka's bed, and I could tell he desperately wanted just to touch her, to reassure himself somehow that she'd still be there when he got back.

I explained to Saihitei exactly where the cat had gone and he assured me that he'd be able to find it after the third time I told him my route. I guess I was paranoid, especially with Miaka lying in bed utterly motionless, looking so pale. It reminded me of Kourin, lying in that hospital bed with the tubes all around her…

_I can't think of that now._

_This is different. _

_Miaka's going to be okay._

The others left, and Shouka excused herself to prepare food in the kitchen. Houjun and I sat with Miaka. After awhile, I remembered the thing with the ofuda. I had to ask.

"Why did you have me put that ofuda on Miaka?" I questioned him, turning towards the always smiling mask that he wore.

"You can't feel it, no da?" Houjun asked me and then he looked down. "I wanted to keep it quiet…this plague…it's caused by a sickness demon, no da."

"A sickness demon?" My eyes bugged out. Then I laughed. "Well, in my world, stuff like that is caused by bacteria."

"It's not a real sickness, no da." Houjun's voice was low. "But I don't know if the demon knows it is causing the sickness or not…demons can be very tricky…especially this one, no da. It could become dangerous at any time if it knows that I know who it is…"

"Who's the demon?" I leaned in, looking over my shoulder as though expecting a huge scary monster to just pop up in the darkening room.

"Shouka." Houjun answered and my mouth dropped open. "I had you put the ofuda on Miaka to keep the sickness demon out; I can only hope it worked, no da."

"But Shouka's so nice!" I protested, still stunned by this news. "Why didn't you mention we were at a demon doctor's house _before_?

"I didn't realize until we met her, and I knew it was very dangerous to confront her, no da." Houjun made a motion with his hands to tell me to keep my voice down. "Remember the cat's reaction, no da?"

"That's right." The voice was Shouka's but there was a strange ugliness to it. We turned to see her in the shadows; she looked grossly pale with bluish veins appearing on the edges of her face. "That cat…" She was shaking with emotion.

"Kourin." Houjun said my name in warning, and I was on my feet and in a defensive stance almost immediately. I looked behind me. Miaka was completely defenseless in her current state. Houjun was pulling out an ofuda.

"Those won't work on me, monk…" Shouka shuddered and fell forward. "This woman's hatred is too strong…"

"She's possessed!" I pointed out in a yelp.

"We'll see about that, no da!" Houjun threw an ofuda and it slapped Shouka on the forehead. She gave a horrible scream and her back burst open, revealing a hideous red demon. It was still attached to her body, and I saw that her face was so sad that it made my heart want to break.

_Why does she look so sad?_

Sad or not, I was still being faced with one of the scariest things I had ever seen in my life, it shot tentacles at me and I turned, diving and rolling, grabbing Miaka and landing on the other side of the bed.

"Kourin!" Houjun called out to see if I was okay.

"I'm fine!" I yelled back.

"My ofuda won't work on this monster…it's feeding off a specific hate…" Houjun frowned. "This woman died in a state of sadness, no da…"

"Myojuan…I'm…sorry…" Shouka's voice was very weak, and she was clutching her arms, obviously in great pain.

_Who's Myojuan? _

"Kourin! Houjun!" Saihitei's voice came as a crash sounded from somewhere behind the ugly demon sticking out of Shouka.

"Saihitei!" I called back. The demon roared in protest as our fellow seishi came into the room so that we had the thing surrounded. Shouka was still on her knees, leaning over and clutching her shoulders, the horrible demon with its flailing tentacles sticking out of her back.

"Careful guys." Kishuku spoke in warning.

"Who gives a shit, let's fry this fucker!" Genrou whipped out his tessen, ready to set anything and anyone on fire that threatened the seishi and their miko.

"How did you know about the demon?" I asked Saihitei who had pulled out his sword and was helping me guard Miaka.

"We didn't. When we got to the doctor's house, he said that he wouldn't help us. Kishuku mentioned Shouka, and he said that it wasn't possible for Shouka to be our doctor because she had been dead for a year." Saihitei quickly explained.

"Shouka." A deep male voice spoke the name and Shouka's pale eyes widened.

"Myojuan…" The name escaped her lips. I looked at the doorway where a tall man was standing with dark hair and a grim expression. "You're here…"

"How did this happen?" The man asked her, and his tone sounded familiar to me. I did a double take as I realized that this man wasn't just some random stranger, this was the doctor!

_He's this Myojuan guy?! What's going on?_

"You were away…away to that village, trying to help with the sickness that struck there…" Shouka began weakly, a tear rolling down her cheek as she spoke. "But then I got sick…it was so painful, but I had to hold on, I had to see you one last time…but you never came!" Shouka's eyes opened and Myojuan looked away, obviously in pain. "You never came and I died all alone…"

_He didn't make it back in time…how sad…_

"I came as fast as I could." Myojuan tried to defend. "Just as I arrived, they told me it was too late. You had died moments before…"

"Why did you let me die thinking that you weren't coming? Why did you let me die thinking that there was no one to remember me or love me when I was gone?" Shouka was reduced to a sobbing heap as these questions came out. "I hated you for it…"

"Shouka…" Myojuan trailed off, looking up at her. "How can you think that one day could pass where I didn't think of you?"

I found myself sniffling and trying not to cry because the scene was so emotional. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to miss your loved one's last moments. I thought of Kourin and how I had been at her side the whole time at the end.

_It didn't make a difference…_

_It didn't change the fact that she died…but isn't it better to be there at the end? Did Kourin know she would be loved and remembered when she was gone? _

"End this…just kill me…" Shouka pleaded. The demon didn't seem to like this idea, and it shot its tentacles out at Houjun, who struggled against it, but to no avail.

"It's using Houjun as a shield!" Kishuku hit the wall next to him with a fist, obviously feeling frustrated. "That means we can't attack it head on!"

"Go ahead, just kill it!" Houjun clenched his teeth, waiting for the attack to be delivered.

"We can't just fucking kill you too!" Genrou protested angrily.

"Myojuan!" Shouka called pleadingly. We didn't know what to do. We were really stuck now. And then Myojuan was stepping forward, looking as though he had no idea what he was doing.

"Shouka…I've got to do something!" Myojuan declared, shaking his head and then looking up quickly. A green light started to glow from his left hand. He held out his hand and a suddenly that light flooded the whole room, temporarily blinding us all so that we had to look away.

When the light disappeared, the demon was gone; Houjun hit the ground but didn't seem any worse for the wear. On the floor lay Shouka's body, looking as though she was sleeping peacefully.

"Hey man, you okay?" Genrou went over to Houjun and helped him up.

"I think so, no da…" Houjun smiled at the orange-haired young man.

"What's going on?" Miaka was fully conscious and looked like she had awakened from a deep sleep. "What's this?" She took hold of the ofuda and pulled it off. "Who's that?" She pointed at Myojuan.

"It's a really long story…" I patted her on the head.

Myojuan seemed to be unaware of everyone else in the room as he knelt down next to Shouka, folding her hands gently together. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead tenderly.

"I know we've been a burden on you." Myojuan turned to the rest of us. "I never imagined anything like this would happen."

"If you don't mind…" Kishuku approached him. "Can we see your left hand?"

"I don't know what happened." Myojuan began hesitantly but then held up his hand for us to see. Miaka squawked in response.

"Mitsukake!" She instantly told us. "He's the sixth seishi!"

"Seishi?" Myojuan's eyes widened.

"The Suzaku no Seishi." I clarified. "There's seven of us, and when we've all been gathered with the priestess, that's Miaka there," Miaka waved for his benefit, "We have to summon Suzaku and save Konan."

"I'd like to bury Shouka first." Myojuan told us. "Before I go with you."

"Of course, no da." Houjun nodded. "We wouldn't ask you to do anything else first."

I wanted to be there for the burial, but at that moment, I woke up. Maybe it was too soon for me to go to a funeral. I spent so much time in this other world that I forgot that the real world needed me as well.

_I wonder who will be there when I die…_

_Will it be the people I love most?_

* * *

YES! I finished! It was slow going but I did it. So please review!


	18. Rain

Hey kiddos, back to bring you yet another chapter. (And I'll keep doing it until I'm done with the story.) What will Nuriko and the gang be up to this time? Read and find out hombres.

Ambika-san: Omigod, I totally didn't even notice that and the person that beta-ed didn't notice either…actually, you seemed to be the only person who noticed…so…it'll just be our little secret.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst.

* * *

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Eighteen

* * *

It was raining outside that day. The rain pelted down and I watched it outside my window. I had gotten breakfast and came back up to finish getting my stuff ready for school but then the rain distracted me.

I suppose it was the way that the little drops were hitting the leaves of the tree outside my house. It was rather hypnotic and with each drop, I felt like something was moving in my soul. I could have spent hours doing this but instead I was taken from this moment where everything was drops of water hitting leaves when my brother yelled up the stairs for me to hurry up or he'd leave without me.

I turned away from the window and opened my door, going down the stairs. My brother was standing there and he looked at me for a moment as if trying to decide something.

"You look weird…" Rokou commented.

"I do?" I blinked my eyes in surprise.

"Maybe not weird…just different." Rokou scratched his head for a second as he tried to figure out what he was saying. "You know…you don't look as sad as usual."

_I suppose that's true…a lot has changed because of the other world…Konan…being a Suzaku no Shichiseishi…Saihitei…_

I didn't really know what to say in reply so I just shrugged my shoulders. We went out to the car and the ride to school was pretty much in silence. I watched out my window and saw other people going to work or school. It struck me as funny how none of these people knew of the dream world.

In fact, none of these people knew anything about the seishi or how I was apart of them. None of them knew Genrou or Saihitei or Miaka or Kishuku. No one whispered about a traveling monk or talked about a great doctor.

It was hard to say which world was real; they both seemed able to exist. It struck me that perhaps I wasn't the first person to go to this land. There were other countries, other people, maybe even people like me who had found a way there.

One might say that perhaps they were illusions or hallucinations that I myself had created but I knew they weren't. Everything was real there, the way a horse moved as you rode it, the way the sun sometimes beat down on us, the warmth that was Saihitei.

We arrived at school and got out of the car. I went to my first class and sat down but found myself not thinking about schoolwork or the subject at all. I guess I'm easily distracted sometimes. I cupped my chin in my hand and found myself staring out the window. The rain was hypnotic really and it felt like a sleepy grey sort of day where nothing really gets done.

The teacher said something about a storm rolling in later and I had to agree, I thought there would be a storm as well. It seemed like the perfect excuse to curl up with a mug of hot chocolate by a window and watch the stormy clouds go by. It made me sleepy just thinking about it. I wondered what it would be like to sit watching a storm, curled up with Saihitei and hot cocoa.

_I better stop thinking about that…I might fall asleep. _

_And somehow I don't think that the teacher would like me to drift off into my own little world…_

The period drifted by and finally the bell rang. I gathered up my stuff and headed out the door. Sometimes you want to quickly go from one class to another but you get stuck behind a slow moving group and there's not a way around them.

"I think Keshiki is soooooo cute." One girl sighed in front of me and I wished the crowd would shift so I could get through and not have to walk behind the girls the whole time.

"It sounds like you have a crush on him!" Her friend teased him while the others giggled.

"It's true love!" The first girl declared. "I just know it!"

"She says that every week." Another friend rolled her eyes.

"It would be nice to have a boyfriend though…" Another friend trailed off just as the crowd shifted. I passed by them but as I did, I found myself thinking about what they were saying.

_Getting crushes on boys…heh. I guess I'm pretty lucky because I found Saihitei…_

_Or am I? _

_After all…I only see him when I fall asleep…and he doesn't know all about me…He doesn't know that I'm not a girl…_

My steps felt heavy as did my chest. I wasn't honest and now when he knew he would hate me. I couldn't pretend that I was a girl forever…sooner or later…everyone would find out.

Sooner or later, everyone would hate me because I've ruined everything. Miaka won't be able to summon Suzaku, Kishuku will probably hate me because I know more than anything he'd like to hold Miaka in his arms and he can't, the others will hate me because of the summoning thing…and most of all…

Saihitei would hate me.

There was something so lonely about that thought that I felt a lump forming in my throat. If he left me alone…what would I do? He had been there since the beginning…he had been the first person to let me cry on their shoulder. He was the first person I saw after Kourin died.

I wouldn't say he was a replacement for Kourin, not at all. But somehow, he had made that huge gaping hole in my heart that had been left with her death seem a little bit smaller with each passing day. Even though he had given me so much comfort and had fallen in love with me…I couldn't bring myself to face the truth.

I wasn't a girl. I was a boy. I wasn't Kourin…my name was Ryuuen. He had never been able to call me by my name. He said it once and it was a sweet sound.

_"I do know his name…he told me."_

_"It was Ryuuen." _

A boy who had comforted him when he was little whom he had never forgotten. And yet I had forgotten…it was obviously me, wasn't it? Or else too coincidental for words.

Maybe I didn't really love Saihitei…I didn't trust him to love me even if I was a boy. I didn't remember when we had met so long ago. This thought made me choke and I knew that tears came down as I blinked and my vision was blurry and watery.

_I do love him…_

_Doesn't he deserve someone who will love him better than you can? _

_Someone who won't lie to him?_

_Someone who isn't carrying so much guilt around?_

I ran into the bathroom and locked myself into a stall so that I could bury my head in my hands. What would the others think of me if they could see me like this? Crying over problems that I caused all by myself.

_I didn't mean for everything to get so out of hand…_

_I didn't mean to ruin everything…_

_I didn't know that telling one lie would make a world of trouble._

_All I wanted to do was have Kourin live on in some way or another…_

_Or is that my excuse? Shouldn't I have been able to see that saying I was a girl might cause problems? How can I be a Suzaku no Shichiseishi? _

_I'm a boy who caused too much trouble…caused everyone so much trouble…_

_I'm not worth anything…_

I dried my eyes the best I could and left the bathroom, not wanting to sit there and cry another minute. I went to class and threw myself into my schoolwork, no longer feeling sleepy or comfortable.

I pushed away the misery as I focused solely on taking notes and doing my assignments. All day I didn't want to think about all the guilt and how Saihitei needed someone better than me.

At the end of the day, I trudged out to Rokou and his car. As soon as I saw him, looking into his eyes, I remembered that Rokou was my older brother and that in the past I had to rely on him.

_"Ryuuen, are you okay?!" Rokou ran up to me after I had fallen off my bicycle and scraped my knee. I was only five years old. _

_"No…" I squeezed my eyes shut as tears welled up in pain. _

_"Don't worry, everyone falls down and scrapes their knees." Rokou assured me as he opened the first aid kit he had grabbed as soon as he saw me fall. "It's part of learning."_

_"It hurts though…" I sniffled._

_"If it didn't, you might not remember it." Rokou told me. _

It's strange to say I remembered all this right then, after all, I knew that Rokou was my older brother but it seemed like I tried to rely on someone other then him…and maybe that wasn't best.

I burst into tears all over again. Rokou grabbed a hold of me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Come on Ryuuen…why are you so sad?" Rokou asked me in a soft voice.

I couldn't tell him of course. I wanted to at that point but knew he probably wouldn't believe me.

"Why can't I be better?" I murmured.

"How can you say things like that about yourself Ryuuen?" Rokou pulled me away a little so he could look at me with his hands on my shoulders. "You're the best." This caused me to cry a little more but I felt better at the same time.

_"You're the best."_

_"If it didn't, you might not remember it."_

"Rokou…" I looked up at him, a half smile tugging at my lips.

"You've just got to be strong." Rokou looked down for a moment before glancing up. "You've got to keep going, no matter what. And you can do that…you're strong like that Ryuuen."

_A strong heart…that never breaks…_

_It keeps on going…even when it bends, like a willow tree. _

_Is that what it means to be Nuriko?_

"You think so?" I looked up at Rokou.

"I know so." Rokou ruffled my head. "Come on, let's go home."

"Okay." I nodded my head. "But not before I retaliate!" And I jumped at him, messing up his hair with my hand.

_It hurts so bad…_

_But I want to remember it._

* * *

I was sitting on the window seat, my legs curled up under a blanket. I had a cup of hot cocoa that was being held in between my hands as I watched the storm out the window.

_Even though you aren't here…I'm thinking of you…_

_Maybe I'm not worth anything…but I want to be…_

_I want to be worth something to you…no matter what…_

_Is that selfish?_

* * *

Gah, I didn't know how sad it was going to get. My radio station was only playing sad music and then near the end, that song 'True Colors' started playing and yeah…I thought it would be best to spend a whole chapter in the real world because I noticed we weren't doing a whole lot of that lately. Heh.


	19. Flute

Uh…yeah. Hey everybody! I know, I know, you want to shoot me dead for my non-updating ways but…well, stuff happens. I'm glad to sit down and try to go on with this story! Heeeeeeey, thanks for the reviews! Glad to know that people are enjoying the story and what not. I know that Ryuuen is very angsty but I'm trying to be realistic and all that good stuff.

For Those Who Complained: Hey, people, I know that the real world chapters aren't as fun to read as the chapters in Konan _but _you have to remember that Ryuuen doesn't live in Konan, Ryuuen lives in the real world. Plus, Ryuuen needed some reflection time.

Notes: Thanks to the people at the Reflection: A Tamahome Shrine website for your invaluable info!

Mentioned Houjun's 'kasa' which means 'hat' but it feels weird saying 'hat'…

I couldn't decide what color certain a certain seishi's eyes were…in some pictures they look blue and in others, _yellow_.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warning: Angst, more seishi action, and an absolutely adorable Yuiren.

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Nineteen

"I'm hungry." Miaka stated (it was more of an announcement than a real complaint). "I didn't get enough at lunch."

"You ate all of my food!" I exclaimed, somewhat outraged by her statement. "Genrou had to fend you off with his chopsticks!" Even though I was a little ticked off with Miaka for eating that much, I didn't really mind. That meant she really was a hundred percent okay.

I was back in Konan and we were traveling the country again, looking for signs or, well, anything that pointed to the last seishi. We were also heading back to the capitol. Saihitei _was_ the emperor and we did have to keep that in mind. We had been going on without so much as a hint who the next seishi was. Myojuan, the newest member, was a bit more subdued than the rest of us and quiet. I could understand why.

Sometimes I felt sick to my stomach over the idea that I had to tell everyone the truth. And why I couldn't bring myself to do it _now_ was beyond me. I should have been able to tell everyone the truth. But it seemed so impossible all of a sudden. Other times I almost forgot. Almost.

Saihitei could probably tell something was wrong. He kept giving me those questioning looks but he didn't ask me anything. Mostly because we didn't have a spare moment just between the two of us.

_Maybe I should just tell him first…the truth…but how will I? _

_ And I should really tell everyone…everyone deserves to know…_

"We're not too far from the capitol…probably a day, two at the most, no da." Houjun commented. I noticed a strange look on Kishuku's face that I couldn't quite identify. It was strangely excited and yet at the same time, maybe a little nervous.

"What's with you?" I asked him, leaning towards him as best I could on my horse.

"We're almost to the village I was born in." Kishuku spoke quietly.

"We are?!" I asked loudly. "You were born around here?"

"Does your family live here?" Miaka looked interested in this discussion. "We can go visit!"

"I don't know…we should really be getting back to the capitol as quickly as possible…" Kishuku hesitated.

"We could certainly take the time to visit your home." Saihitei caught my eye and I grinned at him. "I wouldn't ask you to go by your village without stopping to see your family." I thought it was nice of Saihitei to say that, even though I knew he really did want to get back to the capitol and look after his country.

"I bet your siblings are so adorable!" Miaka began to gush. Kishuku looked even more embarrassed until of course Genrou decided to start making ridiculous kissy faces at Kishuku. There was a small fight, which didn't last very long because they were both trying to stay on their horses.

We began to ride to Kishuku's village and I grew sort of anxious to meet Kishuku's family. I remember him mentioning his little brother to me—his name was escaping me at the moment.

As people began to look up and recognize the blue-haired Kishuku and greet him by name, it was obvious we were getting close. Finally, Kishuku stopped in front of a very small house. I saw a small face peek out the window and then excited yells. Was this Kishuku's house?

"Big brother!" The most adorable little girl came running out of the house. She had honey-colored hair and big, sparkling eyes. Kishuku jumped off his horse and caught the little girl in a hug.

"Yuiren!" Kishuku greeted her. It was pretty cute. Miaka was nearly having a cuteness overload as she slid off her horse. We all got off our horses as three more children came out of the house.

"Gyokuran, Shunkei, Chuuei!" Kishuku was practically being smothered in small children but didn't seem to mind. Saihitei put a hand on my shoulder and I looked up, sharing a small smile with him.

"How's dad?" Kishuku said after a bit. The oldest boy, who looked just like a younger version of Kishuku stepped back, trying to look as mature and grown-up as possible.

"Not so good." He confessed.

"I'm sure we can do something about that, no da." Houjun gestured towards Myojuan, who immediately stepped up.

"Let's have a look at him." Myojuan spoke and Kishuku looked grateful. We were led into the house after Kishuku warned his brothers not to touch Miaka. It was a very small house for so many people to be living in it but as I recalled, it was an ancient kingdom of some kind and we hadn't seen too many gigantic houses since we left Konan.

As Houjun started entertaining Kishuku's siblings with what can only be described as magic tricks, I watched Myojuan look over Kishuku's father and then, he used his power to help rid him of the sickness.

"You should be fine in a few days." Myojuan told the older man who was lying on a bed. "I've see this sickness many times. You'll need some more bed rest and I'll leave some herbs for you to mix with hot water and drink every night before you go to sleep."

"Myojuan is really great, isn't he?" Miaka whispered into my ear. I nodded.

"Ah! Fuck!" Genrou's voice made us all turn to see the orange-haired young man, who had sat down near Houjun, having one of his many beaded necklaces tugged on from behind. Yuiren popped her head from behind him, her hand still around a string of bright beads that any young child would be attracted to.

"Hey, watch your language around my sister." Kishuku came by and scooped Yuiren up, looking protective. It reminded me of myself with Kourin and I found myself smiling sadly.

"She was fucking strangling me." Genrou muttered dejectedly. Houjun patted him on the shoulder comfortingly.

"Your family seems really great, Kishuku." I commented, watching the two brothers chase each other around with Houjun's kasa.

"They are." Kishuku agreed proudly, setting his sister down, who ran off with her sister, and Miaka went after them. He got a little closer to me and leaned down. "I was a little worried…about what you guys would say about this place…it's not very big…"

"You thought we would make a big deal about your house?" I turned on the blue-haired young man in confusion. "You should have known we wouldn't care Kishuku. It doesn't make you any less of a person."

"I-I know." Kishuku shuffled his feet. "I just…"

"Well stop it." I told him, waving a fist under his nose. "Or I'll send you flying. Now come on and let's have a good time with your family." I spoke sternly. I looked over at Saihitei who was near enough to have heard the whole exchange and he was smiling at me.

_ I wonder if Saihitei wants a family…_

"Oooooooh, Kourin! I love this place so much!" Miaka squealed as we were bedding down for the night. The girls were all in one room while the boys were somewhat unfairly squished together. (Houjun assured me they'd all be comfortable). Yuiren and Gyokuran were already fast asleep. "It's like I'm Kishuku's bride…" She went a deep shade of red but still seemed to be off somewhere in dream land.

"Think you're going to fall asleep any time soon?" I asked, trying to fake cheerfulness. It wasn't really working. The whole idea of Saihitei and how he might want a family one day kept going through my head. It was just one more thing…all because I still hadn't said anything.

"Maybe." Miaka was staring out the window. "Say, Kourin…do bats attack people?"

"Why?" I looked through the window sleepily. There were bats in the tree outside. "I don't think so, now come on, go to sleep."

"Do you hear that?" Miaka asked.

"Hear what?" I strained my ears but could hear nothing except some vague scuffling noises from the room next to us and assumed that Genrou and Kishuku were in yet another scuffle.

"That music…it sounds like a flute." Miaka was still listening. "You can't hear it?"

"Nope." I shook my head and put my head back down onto my pillow and closed my eyes, starting to get comfortable.

I think I was about to go to sleep and maybe I had dozed off because I was suddenly awakened by a scream.

"Miaka?!" I jumped up and looked around. Yuiren and Gyokuran were still fast asleep and Miaka wasn't anywhere in the room.

I ran out of the room and into the other seishi, who had obviously heard the noise too.

"Kourin?" Houjun looked at me and I saw that he wasn't wearing his mask for once. "Where's Miaka?"

"She's not in our room." I explained. "That scream sounded like it came from outside."

"Come on!" Genrou took off running and we had to try and catch up with him.

We went around the house and heard Miaka again, by the woods a little ways away from the house. Bats were attacking her from where she had fallen and was now lying on the ground, trying to cover herself with her arms.

_Why are bats attacking her?_

_ And why is she outside?_

"Rekka Shinen!" Genrou yelled, swinging his tessen. The bats flew away from Miaka for a moment and then came back to attacking her.

"What are we going to do?" I asked the others. But just as one of us might have said something, a shrill, piercing note rang through the air, followed by others.

It was a flute, just like Miaka had described earlier. The bats flew away from Miaka and were running themselves into trees. Miaka picked her head up and a rushed forward to help her up.

"The bats are going crazy!" Miaka looked around as the last of the bats seemed to finish themselves off.

"Whose playing that flute?" Houjun looked around and we spotted, a little bit into the woods, standing on a rock, a young man, playing the flute. He stopped after a moment, pulling the flute from his lips and without looking up, he spoke.

"I'm not sure what caused the bats to act like that—it's very unusual behavior." He looked up at us and we saw that he had blue eyes. His hair was cut short but his bangs were long enough to get into his eyes. They were cut straight and not messily like Kishuku's. That's when we saw the red mark on his left arm.

"Chiriko!" Miaka clapped her hands together. "You're a Suzaku no Shichiseishi!" He looked surprised to see the mark himself and I remembered how none of us knew until the mark showed up.

"I can't believe it!" He exclaimed, walking towards us with a friendly smile. "I had heard rumors about the valiant seishi and hoped to catch a glimpse of them but I didn't think I'd be one myself!"

"Fate has drawn us all together." Saihitei spoke. "We can now summon Suzaku. We'll have to get back to the palace and begin preparations immediately."

"Welcome aboard." I greeted him. "I'm Nuriko—name's Kourin."

"Are you the beautiful lady whose said to have come from another world?" The blue-eyed young man looked even more excited.

"I don't know about that…" I stammered. Was that really the rumor?

"That would be our Kourin." Saihitei made my face feel like it had been set on fire as he took my arm.

"I can't believe this really happened to me! I've been hearing stories… " The blonde-haired boy still looked a little dazed. Then he shook himself. "Sorry, anyways, my name is Bu Koutoku, pleased to meet you all."

I woke up a little while after meeting Koutoku. It was strange to think that the time everyone else had been waiting for had finally come.

I was the only one dreading it…

The truth would have to come out soon.

--------------------

I DID IT!!! I've only had this chapter sitting here for like…ever. It feels like forever. Oh well. Dun, dun, DUN! We all know that crazy Bu…gee, wonder what he's up to??? Well, stay tuned! And maybe I'll update sometime before the next century.


	20. Friend

Annnnnnnnnd, back to the story! I know, it's been awhile since we last saw each other, but see, I remembered. Besides, this story is almost over…(not quite yet). Yes sadly, even this story was going to have to end eventually. But not yet! We still have lots of stuff to get through!

Also, for the last time, yes, Ryuuen is a guy and most definitely a guy no matter where he goes or what he does.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Angst. And Genrou!

----------------------------

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty

----------------------------

The preparations were a daunting task but somehow, we were getting through them. I knew that Saihitei was the one who delegated the tasks to others and Miaka, as our miko, had to get out there with the other miko and bless the palace, trying to cleanse every inch of it from negative energy.

This seemed like an impossible task to me because everywhere you went, you found servants arguing about whether the ceremony was going to be public, the cooks arguing over what the feast should be like before _and _after the Summoning. Kishuku and Genrou were constantly bickering about one thing or another so there was also that.

I figured that really, the negative energy thing was just a superstition thing and so one had to be patient with it. I wondered why I was letting everyone go to all this trouble, why I kept putting off telling them the truth. I guess I already knew why. I was afraid. I was afraid to face my friends and Saihitei. Especially Saihitei. I replayed these fears over and over again in my head.

I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do but sometimes, you wonder how long you can draw it out before you have to ruin everyone's happiness.

Unfortunately, all of this thinking was making me quieter than usual and even though I tried to fake my usual cheerfulness around the group, it was much harder than usual. However, I thought with everything else that was going on, no one would notice me at all. But I forgot how observant certain people were.

"Kourin?" Saihitei had summoned me to tea with him, probably something he had been wanting to do for days. With so much going on, we hadn't really been able to see each other. I arrived after Houki sat there and fussed over my hair for quite some time. I told her that he had seen my hair in all sorts of states and hadn't ever complained but I let her do it. I wondered how Houki felt now that it was practically common knowledge that Saihitei liked me.

"Hi." I greeted him, giving him a brief smile before settling down across the table from him. I took the tea pot and poured our tea. (I was glad there wasn't a servant in the room. It was kind of creepy the way they just sat in there, waiting for you to ask them to do something.)

There was a rather nice silence, that I deeply appreciated for the fact that I didn't have to say anything. Looking across the table at him, at his gracefulness and elegance, I wondered for the thousandth time why anyone like him would fall in love with someone like me. The weight that I had been carrying around about being male came back to me full force and I suddenly felt too sick to drink any tea.

"I've noticed that you've been…" Saihitei trailed off and I knew he was trying to ask me something I didn't want to have to answer. "Have you been…are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I faked my most cheerful look, trying to gather myself up, and push away the sick feelings. "All this hustle and bustle can really take it out of a person!" I forced myself to laugh.

"I thought maybe something happened to you in the other world." Saihitei offered.

"Nope, nothing." I put the cup of tea to my lips, even though I didn't want anymore. I just wanted to avoid answering questions.

There was a pause. I knew that Saihitei didn't believe me in that small amount of silence. It felt so hopeless and all I could do was sit there, thinking of what I could possibly do to remedy the situation.

"Are you sure, Kourin?" Saihitei asked slowly and quietly.

_It's like he knows._

_ I can't tell him. I can't. I can't._

_ I'm not strong enough to face that. _

Why did he have to ask me? Why did he have to make me confront this right now? I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing I could just will myself awake at that moment. Vanish, and not have to continue the conversation.

"I'm fine, how many times do I have to say that?" I looked away from him. Knowing that if he looked into my eyes, I wouldn't be able to lie to him.

"Kourin…" Saihitei trailed off. "I was just—"

_If you tell him, he'll hate you._

"Bugging me." I cut him off, getting up. "I told you I'm fine. If you're just going to sit here and ask me over and over again, then I'm leaving."

I didn't want to say those things. I wanted to burst into tears and tell him and many other things that I just couldn't find the courage to do. I was trying to hide behind being Kourin. Look at this mask, not at me.

"Kourin!" Saihitei started to get up and I bolted for the door, opening it and running out. I felt tears start to come down my cheeks. It was so stupid. I was so stupid. I should have told him the truth from the beginning.

_But then he wouldn't have fallen in love with you…_

_ Isn't that why you won't tell him? _

_ I can't. I just can't. _

I tripped, falling on my knees. Instead of getting up, I pushed myself over until my back was against the building. I just didn't know what to do anymore. Maybe this does make me a coward. And for the thousandth time I wondered if Suzaku made some mistake by picking me to be a seishi.

"Hey, what the fuck is up with you?" I looked up to see Genrou standing there, looking the closest to concerned I had ever seen him.

"Nothing." I wiped my eyes hastily. "I just…" I couldn't think of a plausible excuse. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Genrou sat down next to me, something I hadn't been expecting. "Are you sure you're alright? You look like shit."

"Thanks." There was something refreshing about Genrou's bluntness. "I'm alright, I think." Other than saying awful things to Saihitei. He probably hated me now. I was always running away from him or something to that effect. How could he possibly love me? "I kind of just had a fight with Saihitei."

"So you aren't alright." Genrou gave me a sideways glance that made it seem like I had deliberately been trying to trick him. "What the fuck happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I shook my head.

"Fucking typical." Genrou snorted. "You don't really think much of yourself, do you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You never fucking talk about yourself. Like you don't think you matter or some other stupid shit." Genrou rolled his eyes at me. "You would think being a seishi would help, but it doesn't."

"I don't think Suzaku made the right choice when it comes to me." I confessed.

"That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard." Genrou looked at me angrily. "You've done all sorts of stuff for Miaka and the rest of us. Where the fuck would we be without you? I'd still be sitting on that moment, fucking wasting my life. I don't see how you can talk about yourself like that. But I guess girls are like that…"

"Genrou…" I couldn't really express my gratitude in words. In his own very strange and unique way, Genrou had just said a very wonderful thing to me. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Maybe I needed to hear these things. Maybe we all do at one time or another.

"Don't get all fucking mushy on me." Genrou shoved my arm playfully. "Saihitei and you will make up anyways. Don't see what you're fucking worried about." Then he cleared his throat, glanced around conspiratorially and then leaned in very close. "Hey…I have something to ask you."

"What?" I blinked at the abrupt change of subject.

"You can't fucking tell anybody I asked you—especially not Kishuku, he'll make fun of me." Genrou looked around again, as though he expected someone to pop out of the bushes.

"Okay, I won't tell anyone." I wondered what the hell could be such a big deal.

"What do you do when you like someone?" Genrou's face went bright red as he said this. I laughed out loud.

"Fucking forget it." Genrou looked irritated with me and he continued to glow with embarrassment.

"No, I'm sorry." I apologized. "You just looked so serious, I thought it was about something else."

"Oh." Genrou looked away from me. "So…"

"Who is it?" I inquired. I had to know what sort of person my bandit friend might fall for.

"I'm not telling you." Genrou folded his arms stubbornly.

"Fine." I tried to think but nothing came to mind. "Well…I guess, when you like someone—"

"What are you two talking about?" Houjun came around the corner and Genrou nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Nothing!" He yelped. "I was just leaving!" And with that, he got up and practically ran in the opposite direction.

_That was weird. I guess he really doesn't want anyone to know._

I glanced over at Houjun, who was looking a bit surprised still.

_Unless…_

----------------------

Funnily enough, during Genrou and Ryuuen's talk, that song "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim started playing. (I have to praise you like I should…) I think they're pretty good friends. But of course, Ryuuen's angst continues…Will it never end??? Tune in next time! For stuff!


	21. Confession

I've could have sworn I started this chapter but then my computer files said no, no I hadn't. Now, I must finish writing this story! Argh! Go Jade! Go! This story has just been going on for so long, mostly due to a) Laziness and b) Technical Computer Problems. Mostly just A though.

And to Those of You Who Figured Out Who Tasuki Likes: I love that pairing too!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi. (Oh gods how I've tried!)

Warnings: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. (I love that saying though it does prompt one to say, "What the HELL is a gift horse?")

Note: I got the Summoning speech off a website, I think it's accurate and if not, we'll call it a "matter of translation" or, "You can't technically prove me wrong so neener-neener!"

-

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty-One

-

This was it. This was the Summoning Ceremony of Suzaku. My whole body felt like it was made of lead as we walked towards the shrine. Miaka, in her full ceremonial garb looked wonderful, like she really was the bridge to the heavens. The others looked excited and happy.

This was what we had worked for. The reason we had banded together. I felt like I might throw up. I wanted to wake up but knew I would not be so lucky. To just wake up and vanish and never go back.

But then…I looked over at Saihitei. He was looking forward and I remembered our fight again. It wasn't really a fight. It was just me freaking out because he knew something was wrong and wouldn't tell him because…well, I don't know why. I was being stubborn…just like with my family. But I couldn't sit there and keep refusing the help that was being offered to me. Or maybe I was trying to prove I could.

We walked up the stone steps, Genrou cracking a joke about something (he was dealing with his nerves by being far more loud and obnoxious than usual) and Saihitei gave him an encouraging smile. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion.

It was supposed to be.

We were all put on specific points on the floor around the main alter where a huge bowl of oil was burning brightly. The room was beginning to fill with smoke, which stung my eyes. Miaka was holding the scroll that had nailed her in the head on that memorable day, so long ago.

_It's not going to work. I have to say it. I have to tell them…_

_ Suzaku won't be summoned…we can't save the kingdom…_

She walked up the steps to the large burning bowl in the middle of the room. We were also supposed to meditate and focus all our powers on her but I couldn't help it. I couldn't see how anyone could empty their minds at this moment.

_It's not going to work._

_ It's not going to work._

"I summon all the great forces of Justice, Faith, and Good Will from the Four Corners of Heaven and the Four Quarters of the Earth to call on you, the Divine Suzaku…" Miaka began to recite.

I glanced around to see that Genrou had one eye open, but as soon as he spotted me, it snapped shut. I knew it would take a lot of effort for Genrou to sit there and meditate quietly. Everyone else was concentrating hard and even Miaka had lost her usual silliness. She was a real priestess.

_But none of that matters now…nothing's going to come…they can't summon Suzaku…_

"We ask that you descend from the Seven Constellations to the Earth, to protect us, and destroy all evil with your divine powers for the sake of the people who worship you." Miaka went on. An enormous weight was weighing down on me. All the hopes of the country rested on this and I had ruined it.

_I have to tell them…I have to stop them…_

Why hadn't I just told the truth from the beginning? Would any of this have ever happened? But then how would I have saved Miaka those times? I didn't understand whether this was all meant to be or if I had ruined it. But part of me felt as though if I didn't say it now, I never would.

"We summon you thus! Descend upon us from the Heavens!" Miaka finished and was about to throw the scroll into the fire when I could bear it no longer.

"STOP!" I yelled. Miaka turned towards me with wide eyes, obviously shocked by this yell. There was a moment of silence where all that could be heard was the crackling of the flames. Everyone was staring at me, everyone was expecting something from me. And I had to give it to them. "It's…it's not going to work! Suzaku can't be summoned!"

"Why not?" Miaka asked, starting towards me, looking concerned. "What's wrong Kourin?"

"Yeah, why?" Kishuku prompted me.

"Because…because…" I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to will it all away. They opened again and blurred with tears when I realized I really had to do it. I really had to tell them. "Because I'm a man!"

I turned away from their shocked faces and ran towards the doors to the shrines, ignoring the shouts of my name as I burst through them. Now they knew. Now they knew everything. I couldn't take the looks on their faces. I just couldn't. Kishuku would hate me because this whole time I had been able to touch Miaka and he couldn't even brush up against her. Saihitei would hate me because he thought he was in love with a girl named Kourin. Genrou would hate me for tricking him. They'd all hate me for tricking them.

I went running through the grounds, and got half way across a bridge before sinking down against the banister and putting my head in my arms. I had really done it now.

_I just wanted Kourin to go on…_

_ But Kourin wouldn't want to be a lie…_

_ Would she? _

_ Why did you die and leave me here like this to sort things out?_

Maybe I would wake up before they found me. Maybe I could just run and hide in my own world forever.

_You've been hiding behind Kourin's death…_

"Kourin!" The yell startled me and I saw them all running towards me. I had to get up, I had to get away. I tried to get up but I slid and fell right back down. They were all around me, I couldn't escape now. What would they do to me now that they knew?

There was a hand in front of me, and it took a moment to realize that this hand was to help me up, to put me on my feet. I looked up to see Saihitei offering it to me. His yellow eyes full of nothing but what I can only describe as love. I didn't understand. How could he look at me like that? I took his hand tentatively and was practically lifted to my feet. Wasn't I supposed to be the strongest one?

They were all looking at me and then I was caught off guard by Saihitei suddenly hugging me to him. I was standing there, my hands at my sides, too frozen to hug him back, but I was still filled with confusion. What was going on? Why was he hugging me?

"Thank you." He whispered into my ear. "Thank you."

Why was he thanking me? Was this some elaborate dream? Was this some hallucination? That instead of being revolted or disgusted with me, he was thanking me? I just didn't understand.

He pulled away from me and smiled a little.

"Wha—?" I began but he put one of his hands on my shoulder.

"I already knew." Saihitei explained in his gentle, soothing voice. "I already knew that you were a man. I've been waiting for you to tell me." I was still too amazed to say anything. All I could do was stand there in that same position.

"You already _knew_!" Miaka's mouth dropped open.

"I've known since he first arrived here." Saihitei looked apologetic. "I saw that light and rushed over to find him in the Gardens. I discovered he was a boy right there. Besides, we've met before."

"What the fuck is going on?" Genrou looked ready to throw his hands up in frustration. "Kourin's a man! And you've known! Why the fuck didn't you tell us that before?"

"Let's try—" Houjun was cut off by Kishuku.

"What about Miaka! She's a Priestess! And Kourin…" He looked horrified.

"Let's try to calm down." Houjun spoke quickly so that no one could cut him off. "And talk about this, from the beginning please." For some reason, everyone decided that we should sit down right there on the bridge and have this important discussion. It was convenient but it was an odd place to have a conference.

"It's really quite simple. I met Kourin, that is to say, Ryuuen—" Saihitei was interrupted by Genrou.

"_Ryuuen_! Now you don't even have the same fucking name! Shit." Genrou looked like he could not take too many more revelations today.

"Ryuuen's my real name." I spoke quietly, not quite meeting anyone's eyes. "Kourin's my little sister's name."

"As I was saying," Saihitei shot Genrou a slightly annoyed look. "I met Ryuuen when we were both children. I always thought that Ryuuen was a figment of my imagination, because of the sadness that had come over me when my mother died. But then, years later, I saw a bright light and discovered Ryuuen to be back, in my gardens. At first I was confused as to why Ryuuen claimed to be a woman named Kourin, but I was hoping he would tell me."

"I didn't know…" I shook my head. "I didn't know it would get like this. My little sister…she…she's dead. She died, just before I came back here—I didn't remember meeting Saihitei, even though I think I do now. I loved her…more than anything in the world and suddenly she was gone. I wanted her to live on; to live through me…it wasn't fair that she died." Tears sprang into my eyes again. It hadn't been fair. I was looking at them fiercely, as though challenging them to disagree. "But then I accidentally helped Miaka up before I knew that she couldn't touch any males. I thought that I had ruined Miaka's chances of becoming the Suzaku no Miko."

"But you didn't." Houjun put in, a hand going to my arm. "You didn't say anything after that because you were scared of what might happened and everyone thought you were a girl…"

"I should have told you. You all trusted me." I felt so ashamed.

"I still trust you." Kishuku spoke up and I looked at him. He was looking at me with an unwavering expression and I knew that he really did trust me. Even now. "I know you're a good person, I know that you wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt anyone. That's just not you. I just wish you would have told us all sooner."

"I thought you were a crazy fucking woman when I first met you." Genrou seemed to be gathering his thoughts. "But now I know you're just a crazy fucking guy. I still like ya…" He looked at me and then looked at Houjun for a moment and then closed his mouth. "Don't fucking scare us like that by just running away, gave me a fucking heart attack…"

"You could have at least told _me_!" Miaka folded her arms and I could tell she was only pretended to be mad.

"Mi-a-ka." I said her name in syllables and she turned at me with a huge grin.

"I feel terrible though that you didn't tell me! What kind of priestess am I if I couldn't, oh, I don't know, sense it or something!" She looked exasperated. "I don't understand why I was chosen! Especially now…I mean, I had been touched by a guy."

"Well," All eyes went to Houjun. "The law says that a priestess must never know a man's touch. This might have been taken literally rather than generally. After all, from the order of events we know that Ryuuen had physical contact with Miaka _before _she was chosen as the Priestess of Suzaku. This means that as long as the priestess is a virgin, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Do you know what this means!" Kishuku leapt to his feet. We all stared at him like he had just grown another head. He took a few steps until he was standing right in front of Miaka and before anyone knew it, had dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around her.

There was some clapping and whistling (Genrou was mostly responsible for it). I beamed at the two of them. They finally got what they wanted. I turned to Saihitei and saw that he was looking back at me, with the same message that I was trying to convey to him.

"I thought everyone would hate me." I confessed to him quietly.

"But no matter what, I love you." Saihitei's hand went to cup my chin. "You love me for who I am, so the only love I can give back is just that. I love you for who you are."

"I'm sorry I didn't trust you." I closed my eyes, shutting out the sight of those beautiful amber eyes that were staring straight into me. "You've been nothing but there for me…" Saihitei leaned forward and kissed me. I had finally done it. And everything hadn't been ruined.

We would summon Suzaku and save the country. Everything was perfect. When our kiss ended, I saw Tamahome and Miaka looking as though they'd never be separated again, Myojuan petting Tama-neko, who had jumped into his lap, Genrou flushing a deep red color as Houjun put a hand on his shoulder, and Koutoku…

Koutoku was standing there, his flute in hand. He had the strangest expression on his face.

_Is something wrong with him?_

"Koutoku…" I begin but I'm not sure how to finish.

"You have revealed yourself and so now, I will reveal myself." Koutoku told us with a look on his face that I immediately didn't like. "Yes, it might be possible for you to summon Suzaku—or, it was. But now you never will."

"Why do you say that?" I asked in alarm.

"Because I'm not one of the Suzaku no Shichiseishi." Koutoku spoke in a tone that held an arrogant quality to it.

"What?" Kishuku was on his feet, as were the rest of us. "You…you have a mark! Just like the rest of us…"

"It's a fake." Koutoku replied in an unwavering voice.

"Then what are you really?" Myojuan questioned sharply.

"I'm a Seiryuu no Shichiseishi." Koutoku stated.

-

Dun, dun, DUN! (I'm so helpful.) Of course, I'm sure a lot of you saw that coming. And I'm _so _happy that Ryuuen got to confess. I'd do a victory dance but it's like five in the morning and I need to go to bed. Toodles! Please review!


	22. Choice

Well, I'm sitting down to work on this next chapter while I wait for something else. Got nothing else to do to pass the time and really, I promised to try and get this story done. Is Pink Floyd helping? Not really. But that's Launchcast Radio for you. Not always helpful.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Swearing.

-

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty-Two

-

We were all standing there, perfectly still, except for the wind blowing through our hair. I thought I had heard him wrong. I just couldn't believe it. Maybe we were all standing there, waiting for him to go on because none of us could believe it.

But Koutoku did not start laughing and announce it was just an elaborate joke. He stood that with that hard expression on his face.

"But…but…" Miaka was at a lost for words. "But you were one of us…"

"We trusted you…" Kishuku was shaking with anger. "And the whole time you were from Kutou…"

"How can you say anything to me about lying? After you just comforted Ryuuen, who lied to you all." Koutoku asked us and I felt like someone had slapped me.

_Can I really say it's different? _

_ I almost ruined everything…_

_ Just like he wanted to do it…_

But then, he put his flute to his lips and began to play. It was a harsh, screeching song that instantly made my head began to pound with pain.

I cried out and found I wasn't alone; everyone had their hands to their heads, trying to block the music out by covering their ears. It was impossible to. It was pounding through my whole body; it had gotten into my brain, into my blood.

I heard Miaka try to yell to Koutoku over the music, trying to appeal to his mercy or something. I twisted around, to try and look at Saihitei but as I turned to see that behind Koutoku, past the edge of the bridge, a young man was standing there, who had just dropped a large pile of scrolls and papers because of the music.

_Scrolls…papers…_

_ I know him…_

_ Why do I know him?_

_ "I'm Oo Doukun." _

_ I was supposed to meet him after the Ceremony to pick the next Suzaku no Miko…_

_ But I forgot about it! Many he can get away…get help…or something…_

I sank down to my knees; the throbbing pain was getting so intense. But I noticed that this Doukun wasn't getting away, he was on the ground too, but he looked as though he were doing something. I couldn't figure out what and my head felt like it was going to explode.

And just when I knew that it was all over, that I was going to die from the pain, I heard a different sound.

A strange, high-pitched sound that made the screeching song of Koutoku's flute seem less and my head started to feel less and less pain. The high-pitched song was taken over completely and I felt that I would be able to stand if I tried so I did. The others were all recovering too.

Koutoku looked horrified that his plan hadn't worked and turned and ran for it. Genrou and Kishuku had to take a moment to recover and then they were after him. I wondered if they would catch him. Genrou's seishi attribute was speed after all. But then our eyes fell to Doukun, who lifted something small and green from his lips.

But maybe that's not quite where our eyes fell. They fell to the reddish glow that was coming from his foot.

"Is he…?" Miaka started towards him and we all followed her. He was looking at us with a slightly stunned expression, as though _we_ were the ones who had just done something shocking.

"What happened?" Doukun asked us.

"What do you mean; you're the one who saved us!" I said in a mock-accusing voice. Maybe now was not the best time to joke around. "Stick out your foot." He lifted his garment and stuck his foot out. A symbol glowed on it.

"Chiriko!" Miaka cheered. "But…the right one?"

"We had a falling out with our last Chiriko." I explained to him. "He wasn't actually Chiriko."

"I must say that I was truly not expecting this at all today." Doukun was looking at his foot with a slightly troubled look, as though he had just committed a crime. "I confess…I'm at a loss…"

"What was that thing you were playing?" Houjun inquired curiously.

"Well," Doukun brightened up a bit. "When I was walking by, that horrible song started to fill my ears and it was making my head hurt so I thought to myself, that if there was a way to disrupt the sound, then I could break the effect of the flute's song. So I made a leaf whistle." He held up a leaf. "I was taught how to make them when I was very young."

"You are the young scholar I've heard so much about, aren't you?" Saihitei asked in his regal manner. I was glad that the conversation had picked up because although it might not have shown, the whole thing with Koutoku had really shaken me up. After all, we hadn't really given any thought to the whole idea that there could have very well been fake Suzaku seishi running around.

And I felt like I should have noticed. After all, we were all here to protect Miaka, right? And here I was, all wrapped up in myself, being totally selfish. All because I was too scared and now I found out that it wasn't all that scary. In fact, it was the best thing I could have done.

But Koutoku had seemed to be offended by the fact that everyone could accept my lies and not his. I kept telling myself it was two completely different situations but still…

I noticed Genrou and Kishuku coming back, looking rather dismayed, which could only mean one thing: They hadn't caught up with Koutoku. Who knew what was going to happen now.

"He got away." Kishuku told us, his eyes shadowed by his bangs. I wondered what he was thinking right then. I mean, we weren't going to shun him for a mistake, so why did he have such a strange expression on his face? Genrou took up cursing and calling Koutoku a variety names until Miaka told him to stop it.

"It's not helping." She poked Genrou in the chest with her index finger. "We almost died! If the _real _Chiriko hadn't shown up…"

"How do we know he is the real fucking Chiriko?" Genrou narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Doukun.

"Because I can tell." Miaka insisted.

"I think Doukun is too." I said slowly. The others looked at me. "Don't ask me why. Call it a feeling…but you know, we all met by fate, right? I mean, we've run into each other by pure coincidence, but that's how Doukun saved us too. And I ran into Doukun awhile ago, back before I even knew I was a seishi. I promised to tell him about my world and I forgot…" I gave him an apologetic look.

"Ryuuen makes a wonderful point." Saihitei put a hand on my shoulder and I smiled at him gratefully.

"I was just fucking _asking_." Genrou muttered as he kicked a pebble on the ground.

"Should we try the ceremony again?" Miaka asked us. I was about to say something else when I realized I was fading away. That pretty much decided it. They couldn't do the ceremony without me.

I woke up in my bed and sat up. I thought of all the things that had happened. A fake Chiriko, telling the others the truth. Things had been a certain way for so long that I didn't consider what it would be like if it was all turned around.

Going down the stairs, I found smiling. I was no longer Kourin to them. I was Ryuuen. I was me. I had to put aside my sister, or maybe that wasn't the way to phrase it. I had to be me.

"Kourin's dead." I said out loud to myself. It was the first time I had done so. "Kourin's gone now…"

The world felt different somehow, I can't really explain it. I wondered what Kourin would think if she saw me now. But then I thought of something.

Who says she couldn't?

-

When I got back the next night, there was an air of busyness and seriousness to the whole place that I could feel as soon as I appeared in my room there. Houki had been a bit stunned by my re-appearance, and then of course wanted to know if it was true that I was really a man. I assured her it was. After a few moments of fumbling, she seemed to take control of herself.

"I thought you should know." Houki looked around before leaning in towards me. "Everybody's talking about it. Kutou's forces are on the move."

"Where are the others?" I asked, standing very alertly. Houki informed me that Miaka was in the Shrine and that the other seishi were around the palace so I went out looking for them.

I found one right away.

It was raining heavily and I saw someone standing out in the rain. Well, not in plain sight, they were sitting hunched over with their back to a tree. I was surprised that I had even spotted them since it was so dark outside. Judging from the hair at that distance, I decided it was Kishuku.

Although I didn't really want to run out into the rain, I was curious to know why he was sitting out there by himself and so I quickly made my way towards him. When I was a few feet away, my shoes thoroughly soaked with water, he turned and saw me.

"Oh, Kourin." Kishuku looked up at me, his face unusually glum. Rain was pouring down on us in sheets but I sat down next to him. The guy was completely drenched, his clothes were soaking wet, and his hair bangs dripped. "Sorry, I mean, Ryuuen."

"It's okay." I tried not to chatter my teeth. I let myself shiver instead. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking." Kishuku was sitting cross-legged, with his hands resting in his lap. His eyes dropped down to his hands.

"What about?" I inquired; wondering why on Earth Kishuku would be sitting out here in the rain.

There was nothing but silence between the two of us for a few minutes. All that I could hear was the constant hammering of the rain and the faraway yells of the people in the palace.

He didn't speak at all, his blue eyes were focused intently on his hands but I could tell that he was thinking about something very faraway. But what was it?

"I did something…" Kishuku confessed, trailing off, his eyes coming up to meet mine for a moment. Then he looked away again. "I did something really bad."

"How bad?" I questioned hesitantly.

"Did you hear about Kutou's forces?" Kishuku looked back up at me and watched him through the steady drip-drip of water from my own bangs.

"Yes." I suddenly had a horrible feeling. "What…what happened? What did you do?"

"It's all my fault." Kishuku's right hand closed into a fist. "I told Genrou we should split up, that he'd be easier to find…"

"Who, Koutoku?" I interrupted.

"Yeah." Kishuku nodded grimly. "I found him, I had him cornered. I was going to call for Genrou but he stopped me. I should have done something. I should have killed him for betraying our country and…and Miaka…but I couldn't. He told me that he hated all of this, that he had only done it because he wanted to live a peaceful life with his brother…I thought about my family. Chuuei and all the others and how I'd like them to have a peaceful life. He asked if he could go and I let him." He looked up at me with large blue eyes, full of some inner pain that I could only begin to fathom. "_I let him go_."

"But…" I trailed off. "But I don't understand."

"He asked me if…if we _would _summon Suzaku, to stop the war." Kishuku gave me a pleading look. "He really sounded like he wanted it to end but the first thing he did was run off to Kutou and told them to rally the forces…"

"You don't know that." I interjected sharply. "You don't know what Koutoku did when he went back."

_"My name is Bu Koutoku, pleased to meet you all."_

_ He really did seem like a good person…I don't think we were wrong back then. But things have changed now. _

"This is all my fault." Kishuku hung his head. "I'm a traitor to my country."

"Everyone knows that Kutou and Konan were near open war as it was!" I frowned at him. "You can't blame this on yourself. And how do you know that none of us would have done the same if we were in your position? Koutoku lied to us but…but maybe he had his reasons. I'm not going let you sit here in the rain and pity yourself."

"I'm not pitying myself!" Kishuku looked angrily at me.

"Well then prove it!" I stood up. "Believe in Koutoku, even if that does sound strange! Maybe he really did want Suzaku to be summoned otherwise…"

_Otherwise he would have waited…_

_ Why didn't I see it before? _

"How do you do that Ryuuen?" Kishuku asked me, a strange look on his face.

"How do I do what?" I was shivering cold and wanted to get inside soon, before I caught a chill.

"Everyone knows you're the strongest of us." Kishuku stood up next to me. He extended his arm forward so he could put a hand on my shoulder as he passed by me. "But I don't think just physically. Do you…" He paused and I saw that he really did look like needed some sort of approval. "Do you really think I did the right thing?"

"I can't say." I shook my head. "I don't really know. But if you did it, then you must have really felt like you should have. If you felt like it was the right thing to do, I wouldn't doubt you. Now let's get out of the rain before we both catch hypothermia or something."

"Good idea." Kishuku gave me a half smile. "Thanks Ryuuen."

"Er, you're welcome." I didn't quite understand what I had done that merited thanks. I had only talked to him about what happened. But war for Konan would have been a heavy weight to bear.

What would happen to us all now? It was time to find the others and find out.

-

Er, not a horribly long chapter. Unfortunately. But there will be a long chapter next time! Heh. This was kind of a weird chapter to write, I'm not sure I did a good job, but I gave it my best! I really need to get some sleep too! Even though it's three hours late, it's still _kind of _Sunday. Please review!


	23. Family

So, I've got my music, my coke, my sour patch kids, I'm all set to write! I haven't done any of my other updates this week. So feel special that I'm doing this one! Maybe it's 'cause of all those nice reviews.

Teresa: Wait, wait, aren't they supposed to already be in "China"? And they traveled all around too…I guess that aren't any cursed springs in Konan. (I bet they're all hiding in Hokkan—that one seishi who can turn from a guy to a girl is very suspicious indeed.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Swearing, that sort of thing.

* * *

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty-Three

* * *

I stood there, in what I was calling the main war room for lack of better terms, and watching the dozens of advisors, army strategists, Doukun, and Saihitei going over maps and forms. Saihitei was making his mark on some emergency edicts and I could tell that they were all busy with the war and I wasn't sure what I should do. I couldn't just stand around but I also didn't know anything about fighting a war, so I didn't think I'd be anywhere near the top of the useful list.

Kishuku was with Miaka as Houjun had suggested that Kutou might send assassins to kill her and should be watched at all times. Maybe I should just go to them. But just then Saihitei turned towards me and gave me a grateful smile before going back to what an advisor was saying. I wondered if in some way, my presence supported him. That made me feel a little bit better and I wished I could have caught his eye again to smile back but I didn't get a chance to.

It was then that Kishuku entered, looking incredibly pale. I wondered if sitting in the rain had made him sick. But there was something in his eyes that told me something bad was going on.

"Ryuuen!" Kishuku rushed over to me.

"What is it? Is it Miaka?" I was instantly alert.

"No, Miaka's fine." Kishuku assured me quickly. "She's with Myojuan, treating the wounded soldiers who've returned. No, a messenger got back and was telling one of the captains that Kutou's army is advancing quickly."

"Yeah, but they're—" I gestured confusedly towards Saihitei and the table of people who didn't seem to have noticed us.

"My _family_." Kishuku got out, even though he choked a little. "I have to go save them."

"Kishuku!" I went wide-eyed. "You can't go by yourself! That's suicide! What if you run into the Kutou army?"

"Who cares about the Kutou army? If I don't go, they'll be dead!" Kishuku said insistently. "I'm not asking for permission, I'm going, dammit!"

"Of course you are." I nodded and Kishuku looked vaguely surprised. "But you aren't going alone, I'm going with you."

"Kourin, I mean, Ryuuen, you should stay here, look after Miaka, stay with the emperor." Kishuku looked hesitant about taking me along.

"Mitsukake can look after her, we need to go save your family!" I shook my head. I glanced over at Saihitei. I thought of that grateful smile but I knew he would want me to go, because that's exactly what he would do. We had to tell them where we were going but I felt strange just interrupting the meeting. Kishuku did it for me.

"Saihitei, me and Ryuuen are going to my village." Kishuku informed him. Saihitei looked up at him and then over at me. My face was set in a sort of grim determination. "I'm going to get my family and bring them back here."

"Of course." Saihitei nodded his assent. "Please come back to us safely."

"We will." I smiled at him. "And it's cold out there so we'll be expecting tea when we get back!" Some of the advisors looked a little shocked at my sudden casualness.

"On your way back you should stop at a cake shop in town, there's a particularly good one on the main street, about three buildings down from the palace gates." Saihitei's lips were tugging up in a smile.

"As your majesty wishes." I gave him a two fingered salute and Kishuku and I left the room. I glanced at Kishuku's face and knew the time for joking had ended as soon as it had begun.

_We have to get his family back safely. _

We went down to the stables and were just getting on two horses that had not yet been sent out into the fray when a voice caused us to turn around.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Genrou smirked at us, raising an eyebrow.

"All by yourselves, no da." Houjun was trying to look stern but was having a hard time with his happy mask on.

"We're coming with you in case you couldn't fucking tell." Genrou told us. Kishuku actually smiled then, mostly because there was something that almost brought tears to my eyes as I thought of how close we had somehow become over such a short period of time.

"I'm not sure we should take that many horses." I frowned. After all, the army probably couldn't spare very many at this time. And the war was going badly on our side as it was without four horses suddenly running off.

Houjun grabbed his purple cape and threw it out, laying it down on the ground. He looked at us and then somehow managed to make the smile on his happy mask grow bigger.

"If you'll all just step on my cape, I can take us there instantly, no da." Houjun explained to us. Genrou stepped on the cape and I was a little apprehensive of traveling by cape but I went forward too. Kishuku put a hand on Houjun's shoulder.

"Houjun, I—" Kishuku began and it was clear he was going to thank the monk.

"There's no time for that, no da." Houjun shook his head. "Let's go."

"Come on!" I tugged Kishuku onto the cape and Houjun stepped on as well, hitting the cape with his staff. It began to glow with a bright white light and we began to sink beneath it. It was a rather odd experience, especially for Genrou, who somehow ended up falling over and going down almost upside down. When my head was completely surrounded by white light, I felt strange, sinking further down.

At some point though, I was going up, though I wasn't sure when the change had occurred. One moment I was squeezing my eyes shut in excited anticipation that we could quickly rescue Kishuku's family and the next moment I was at the bottom of a pile that consisted of Genrou, Kishuku, and Houjun.

"Ow." I pushed myself up easily, the boys all rolling off of me. "Good landing."

"We're here!" Kishuku pointed ahead of us. We hadn't gotten right inside the hut, instead, we were outside of it, but it didn't sound like just Kishuku's family was in there. There were people crowding in there and we all went forward.

"Let us through!" I ducked down and dodged around people. I felt Genrou zip past me. Show off. "What's going on?"

"Father? Chuuei? Yuiren? Shunkei? Gyokuran?" Kishuku called out.

"Big brother!" Chuuei called out and Kishuku and I saw him next to his father, who was laying down. When we approached him, we could see that he was helping someone apply bandages. "I'm glad you're all here. We need your help. This is everyone that stayed in the village and we're trying to decide what to do."

"We've come to take you back to the capitol." I looked around at the twenty or so people, including children, who were looking curiously at the four of us. "What about everybody else?"

"We can't just leave them here, no da." Houjun's face furrowed in thought. "But the army is coming and a group this size would be too slow to out distance them."

"What about your cape?" I asked. "It's kind of big. If we got everyone to stand on it, and then they put the kids on their shoulders, we could transport them all back."

"I don't think it will be big enough for everyone." Kishuku looked at the four of us.

"Fuck." Genrou added in frustration as he scratched at his wild orange hair in an attempt to think.

"Don't worry, no da. I've got a plan." Houjun told us before turning towards the villagers. "Everyone, stand back!" Everyone backed up considerably and some of them were even forced out of the hut. The cape spread out and I crossed my fingers. "Will everyone please step on the cape please?"

"Put your children on your shoulders or on your back." I ordered and watched as the people did this in a far quicker time than I thought they would. I saw Kishuku putting Yuiren on Chuuei's back and Gyokuran and Shunkei held hands. All that it looked very crowded, we had somehow managed to fit everyone on the cape. Except for the four of us and as I glanced over at the bed, I saw that Kishuku's dad was still laying there. I took a deep determined breath of air that helped me considerably.

"Hold on and don't panic. You'll be teleported to the Imperial Palace no da." Houjun's voice had a calming effect on some of the kids who looked like they might burst into tears. He hit the corner of the cape with his staff and it began to glow again. I looked at all those hopeful faces, which were looking at us like we were heroes, and I realized that we _were_ heroes. At least Houjun and Genrou and Kishuku all were.

_And…and maybe me as well. Maybe I'm a hero too. _

"Kishuku." We turned towards Kishuku's father who coughed wearily. "You four should go on without me. I'll only slow you down."

"We aren't leaving you!" Kishuku looked almost angry that his father could even suggest it. "We're taking you with us."

"Besides, I don't think you'll be a problem." Houjun took his kasa off. It had been hanging around his neck but now it was out in front of us and I saw that it's inside were suddenly black. "We'll go back in this. Everyone will have to climb through. Your father first, Kishuku."

Although it was difficult for him, Kishuku's father pulled himself up and crawled into the hat, looking a bit skeptical (and I really didn't blame him at the moment as the idea of crawling in a hat wasn't exactly on par with all the science I had been taught in school), and soon his feet had disappeared. Kishuku went right after him, not that I blamed him, he probably wanted to make sure his family was alright.

"You next, Ryuuen." Houjun gestured and as I began to kneel down, the ground began to vibrate. I looked at the two fearfully.

"That must be the fucking Kutou forces." Genrou looked like he might be sick. "That means they've gotten this far…"

"The capitol will be attacked within a day." Houjun looked just as bad. Then he cleared his throat. "Ryuuen, hurry."

Just as I was getting in, I saw Genrou grab Houjun's arm.

"You're not going last." Genrou informed him. I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be watching this but I couldn't help but look at the exchange.

"I have to close the spell behind me." Houjun covered Genrou's hand with his own, startling Genrou a little. "I will be right behind you my friend." They were looking at each other and I blushed before quickly scrambling through the hat.

_"What do you do when you like someone?"_

_ Looks like that mystery is solved…_

When I suddenly crawled out of the black space into the courtyard of the palace, I was relieved to see Kishuku hugging his brothers and sisters, looking happy while his father was being escorted to where Mitsukake was taking care of the sick.

If the Kutou forces would be here in less than a day, we didn't have any time to waste. We had to summon Suzaku now.

The world began to blur and I cursed out loud as I realized that I was waking up. I had to get back. I couldn't stay away, not when something like this was about to happen. I had to see Saihitei and I had to be there so we could all summon Suzaku and save Kutou.

_I'll be right back. _

_ We have to save Konan._

_

* * *

_

Omigod, I can't believe I've actually finished an update! I feel so happy. This is for all you guys who have been so patient. I feel so bad, but I really didn't feel like writing for a long time. Please review!


	24. Farewell

Welcome back fans. For…the last chapter. That's right, you heard me. The last chapter. I've been writing this story for something like two years now and I'm glad that it's finally coming to an end. Not in a mean way obviously. I still love this story to death, I'm just glad to have finished it off. (Hears distant screams of fans.) It might be a bit before my next FY fanfic is up, I've got it (for the most and basic part) figured out and it's already been given a title and I actually have about three chapters done but I have to go change some stuff because I read Genbu Kaiden (One word: Don't. It isn't even a third as good as Fushigi Yugi except that one guy's back story. Terrific back story.) and now I've got to figure that all into it. It's called **99 Red Balloons** and I'm hoping to have it up soon-ish but as I kind of want to give this slot in my updating fanfics to my Harry Potter series (please read it if you like Harry Potter at all, it's my _Inferiorum _series and it starts with **Doppelganger**. It's good, I swear.) so that I don't have to worry about it when I finish with all of the small stories I'm doing for it now.So now, some thanks are in order:

First off, I'd like to thank the band Our Lady Peace for their fabulous song, 'Somewhere Out There', which is not only where the story got its name but the song helped set the mood and inspired the story as well. If you haven't heard it yet, I recommend listening to it. I'd like to thank the readers who have been here since the beginning because, two years ago, I wasn't half the writer I am today. So, the story itself has gotten better all around as you went along. I'd also like to thank them because of how impossibly long it took me to finish the story. It's been rather ridiculous, I know. I'd also like to thank Teresa, who is always there to offer support and criticism and gets me music to write with. And I'd like to thank the readers just for reviewing and making me feel like I was doing something right. Often times I go, "I'm going to read some Fushigi Yugi fanfics." And then after scrolling through five pages of Mary Sue stories, I give up. I'm glad I was able to break up the monotony of the section there. I'd really like to give a heads up to Otaku Pitcher. I put up a chapter and the first thing out of my mouth is, "Otaku Pitcher is gonna be happy I updated." Plus OP always has the nicest things to say—so I hope you're around for **99 Red Balloons**! (Although, I'll warn everyone that it is really dark. Let's just say it's based off the song and also…it makes this entire story look like a trip to the hot springs. Don't you love how much I self advertise?) Thanks a million everyone!

* * *

Somewhere Out There

Chapter Twenty Four

* * *

The sleeping pill didn't take long to work but it took far too long for me. I had to get back _now_. We needed to summon Suzaku and we needed to save what was left of the kingdom. My heart was pounding in my chest when I finally arrived back in Konan. There was frantic shouting all about and people rushing around far more than before.

A very bad feeling came to my stomach. Something was terribly wrong. I ran towards the area where I knew Miaka and Mitsukake would be, helping the wounded. My feet pounded on the ground and no one noticed me at all, mostly because everyone was too busy doing something else. When I rounded the corner to the courtyard, which is where people were being treated, because they couldn't all fit into the small sick room in the palace, I saw Miaka helping bandage a man's arm while Mitsukake was mixing medicine for yet another person.

"What's going on?" I asked them, trying to catch my breath.

"I don't know." Miaka frowned. "The shouting just started a few moments ago. I mean, there was shouting before but…"

"Suzaku no Miko!" A soldier came running over to us, dropping down on one knee automatically. "The emperor requests your presence and the presence of the other Suzaku no seishi!"

"Come on." I saw two local doctors coming to take over. "We've got to go." The three of us followed the soldier quickly, who was practically running to a room where the others were waiting for us.

I looked at Saihitei's face and I knew something was dead wrong. I had had a sense before that something wasn't going well but this felt like I had just swallowed a cup full of ice cubes. My stomach jumped.

"Kutou's army has just broken into the city." Saihitei told us, his brow furrowed and I knew that he was in pain, not just for the city, but for the people within the city. He couldn't do anything to protect them. Some had come into the palace, some had fled the city when it was clear we were losing the war. But even though he was the emperor, the most powerful man in the country, he could do nothing to stop the slaughter of his people.

_Except for one thing…_

"We've got to summon Suzaku now!" Miaka declared what we were all clearly thinking. "We had to wait until Ryuuen got back but he's here now…"

"But it took them like a fucking week to prepare for the goddamn ceremony last time!" Genrou pointed out impatiently.

"That was for ritual's sake, no da." Houjun removed his smiling mask for us. The sight of his scarred face made the whole discussion seem much more solemn. "We can do it now, we really only need the seven us and Miaka."

"And the scroll." Miaka pulled it out of her robes. Her face was set and once more, she looked just like the priestess that she was. "We have to go now, while there's still time."

"Highness!" Another soldier came in. "They're at the gates of the palace!"

"We've got to hurry!" I grabbed Saihitei's arm, not that he needed any prompting, and we all ran out of the room. We didn't have time, we didn't have any time.

_Why did we wait? Why didn't we do it _before?

I looked behind to see Doukun running with us, having dropped all the papers and quills he had been holding. We couldn't have done it before we met Doukun and then…and then everything was just confused. It was little wonder why we hadn't done it before.

We turned another corner and we could hear the Kutou forces beating on their metal shields as they attempted to break in through the main palace gates. Just as the building that contained the shrine of Suzaku came into sight, they succeeded.

Saihitei and Kishuku both stopped and stared with the same horrified expression. It was the worst case scenario.

"We can't stop!" Miaka tugged on Kishuku's sleeve. He snapped out of it and him and Saihitei nodded at each other. They both served their country, Saihitei as emperor and Kishuku as a soldier. Miaka was the priestess. Myojuan, a doctor. Houjun, a monk. Genrou, a, well, bandit. And then there was me. I wasn't even from this world and yet I knew that this was what I was born to do. This was my duty. To save the country of Konan.

It was why I had been given the symbol of Nuriko. It was why I had been chosen. The soldiers were going to find us. We had to find a way to block them or hold them off so that Miaka could say the words. Even though Genrou and I were at the lead of the group when we entered the shrine, we turned around so that we could close the immense doors. I seized a huge beam that was meant to be put there by several men and put it in place. The doors began to buckle as soldiers pressed up against it from the other side.

My hands braced against the new weight and a burning sensation told me that my symbol was glowing as brightly as ever.

"I can't hold them forever!" I yelled over my shoulder. Genrou leaned up against the beam as well but he wasn't adding the strength that I was. I smiled at him, not realizing there were tears in my eyes until I saw the ones in his. If this didn't work…if everything fell apart now…

"I summon all the great forces of Justice, Faith, and Good Will from the Four Corners of Heaven and the Four Quarters of the Earth to call on you, the Divine Suzaku!" Miaka recited hurriedly. We were supposed to be sending her all our energy but if I stopped to send mine, the doors would bust open and we'd be killed by the Kutou army…

_Come on Miaka…_

"We ask that you descend from the Seven Constellations to the Earth, to protect us, and destroy all evil with your divine powers for the sake of the people who worship you!" Miaka's hands were shaking as they held tightly onto the scroll. She knew that the entire fate of the country really did rest in her hands. "We summon you thus! Descend upon us from the Heavens!"

And she threw the scroll into the fire and I knew that I had to send my energy to her for it to work. If the army burst in…I would only have a few moments before they killed me. But I had to take that chance. Because it was bigger than me. It was the country that needed saving. Death…death was only a small thing in the face of thousands of lives.

_I believe in you Miaka._

I let go of the beam and the doors did burst open just as the room was filled with a blinding red light. It completely filled me from head to toe, like I was bathing in it. I don't know what happened in those next few moments. It was impossible to see, it was impossible to hear. All around us was the god we had served. We were being protected by him.

And then it was over with. The light was gone. I realized that the doors were standing open but there was no one behind them. We all looked at each other in wonder. What had happened? Where was the Kutou army?

"It…we did it." Miaka's eyes were filled with tears, not of sadness or hopelessness, but with happiness. "It was Suzaku. We summoned him."

"I don't fucking get it, what happened to the army?" Genrou looked around as though he expected them to pop out of the bushes.

"Ryuuen." Saihitei stood next to me, putting a hand on my back. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I felt a bit tired but I knew that Miaka was right. Suzaku had come. That red light…who else could have it been. "I thought we wouldn't make it for a second…"

"But we did." Saihitei put a hand on my chin so he could tilt my head up and look me in the face reassuringly. "We saved Konan."

"I wonder what happened though." Doukun looked thoughtful. "That red light must have been some sort of ethereal form of the god we know as Suzaku. Perhaps…"

"I always thought Suzaku was a phoenix." Myojuan speculated.

"I have many different forms."

The voice was strange and powerful, you could tell right away it wasn't human. We all turned to look at the altar, there was a man standing in front of the burning bowl of oil that Miaka had thrown the scroll into. Except it wasn't an ordinary man. He was at least eight feet tall and most men don't have impressive wing spans. He was all red and yellow, from head to toe. Fiery red locks, fierce yellow eyes.

"Are you…" Miaka took a step forward. "Are you Suzaku?"

"I am." Suzaku graciously inclined his head towards us. "The Kutou forces were relocated to their home country. They cannot attack this country. It is protected by my power."

"So it really did work!" Kishuku hugged Miaka in his happiness.

"I can't believe it's fucking Suzaku." Genrou shook his head in disbelief. "I once told Suzaku to go piss up a rope…"

"Genrou!" I hissed at the orange-haired bandit.

"I believe you were inebriated at the time." Suzaku didn't even bat an eyelash. I wondered briefly if he had a really good sense of humor. "But now it is time for goodbyes."

"It is?" Houjun blinked curiously.

"Chou Ryuuen, Nuriko," Suzaku looked at me and I found it very hard to look him straight in the eye. "You are not from this world."

"We know that." Miaka said slowly and I was suddenly aware that I was sweating for some reason. I knew right then that I wouldn't like whatever Suzaku had to say next.

"You have completed your task in this world. Your strength of heart shown so brightly that I knew you would be the only one worthy of the title of Nuriko." Suzaku told me. "So I brought you here once to help Hotohori and then years later, back to fulfill your duty as a seishi."

"He was a wonderful seishi." Miaka sent me a beaming smile.

"But since you've completed your task…" Suzaku hesitated for a moment. "You will never visit this world again."

The whole world seemed to stop and all I could hear was the beating of my own heart. My breath caught in my chest. Never visit again? But that would mean…

_Saihitei…I would never see you again…_

_ And Miaka and Kishuku and Genrou and…and everyone! They're my friends! _

_ Why?_

"Why?" I asked, my voice shaking and I knew I would burst into tears.

"This world isn't yours. You must live there." Suzaku said in a very final sort of way.

"Why can't I keep visiting?" I could feel Saihitei's hand start to grip my shoulder very tightly.

"That is the way the laws are written." Suzaku looked at me and for a moment I thought I caught a glimmer of something like sadness or understanding. A mixture of both.

"There isn't any way…?" Saihitei's voice sounded faraway. Why was this happening? Kourin's death. And now this. The thing that had given me solace, that had helped me deal with her death. It was going away now.

"There is no way." Suzaku shook his head.

"That's fucking stupid!" Genrou cut in angrily. "You're a fucking god and you can't do fucking anything about it?"

Suzaku stood there impassively. There was nothing left to do. It really was time for good-byes. Tears began to fall, one after another. It was another piece of myself that was being taken away.

"Ryuuen…" Miaka was crying as hard as I was. "You won't forget us, will you?" I hugged her, remembering how she had been when we first met and how she had grown in such a short time.

"No way." I smiled through my tears. "I won't ever forget any of you." As soon as I realized Miaka, Kishuku hugged me.

"Thank you for everything, Ryuuen. I never knew what it was like to have a big brother until I met you." Kishuku's words made me cry harder and we hugged for a few moments more.

"I wish we had more time together." Doukun came for his hug. "We didn't know each other for very long but I'll miss you."

"You're one of a kind, Ryuuen." Myojuan didn't seem the type for hugging but there he was, putting his arms around me like everyone else.

"We both wore masks." Houjun put a hand on my shoulder and looked at me with a proud sort of smile. "You had the courage to get rid of yours…you could let go…I want to be able to do it as you did…you've inspired me…" Then he embraced me like I was his long lost brother.

Then it was Genrou. He screwed up his face, trying not to cry but I knew he wanted to. That was just the way he was.

"Fuck. Fuck." Was all he could say before he practically fell against me and I hugged him for a long time. We had grown so close. We had all grown so close. "I'm gonna miss you Ryuuen."

"Hey," I lit up momentarily. "Remember when you asked me what to do if you like someone?" Genrou nodded, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. I glanced over at Houjun. "Tell them." He grinned at me, showing his fangs one last time.

And now it was time for the hardest good-bye of all. I turned towards Saihitei who looked so sad that I remembered him exactly as that little boy in the garden. We wrapped our arms around each other and hugged for the longest time. I couldn't let go…just a few more seconds…that's all I needed…just a few more seconds…

"I don't know what to do without you…" Saihitei confessed miserably.

"You have to live." I told him. "Don't waste away with grief…because it doesn't help. You've got to put your kingdom back together, you've got to go on and maybe…maybe…" It hurt badly and yet I had to keep going. "Maybe you'll fall in love with someone else…you know, Houki, she always liked you. But just promise to keep living. And I'll promise to do the same."

Our eyes met.

"I love you." He kissed me one last time. It tasted of tears. "I love you so much…"

"I love you, no matter what." I put a hand on the side of his face, wiping away his tears. "If you miss me, you can still talk to me. I'm still up there, in the sky you know. And if we both talk to the sky…to our stars…maybe it's the closest we can get…but we should still do it. If that's all we can do, then we'll do it." I told him.

"Good-bye Ryuuen." Saihitei clasped my hands tightly. "Maybe…when we part from this world…into the next one, maybe then we'll be together. I'll wait for you there."

"Good-bye Saihitei." One last bittersweet smile and then I turned to walk towards Suzaku. The others called out to me, to wish me good luck and good health and that maybe, somehow, we would all meet again.

I looked up into Suzaku's eyes and saw that there were tears there, glistening as real as any humans.

And then, the world was gone.

* * *

That's it. The end. Oh, wait, except for this epilogue. (Oooh, how I wish I could see everyone's face right now!) Yeah, there's an epilogue. But what will happen in that epilogue? I guess you'll just have to be there or be a rectangle thing! (Sorry, I just read Soul Music by Terry Pratchett.) I hope the end of the chapter wasn't too…you know, sappy. I thought it was good, but I'm biased, I'm the writer. Guess how long I've had this last scene planned out? Not as long as I've had the epilogue planned out! Stay tuned! 


	25. Epilogue

After the reviews of "I hate you! You gave me a heart attack at the end of that last chapter you meanie!" I'm happy to give you guys the epilogue! This is it, I can't believe it's actually going to be done…

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi.

Warnings: Swearing, epilogue stuff, a bit angsty.

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Somewhere Out There

Epilogue

* * *

It had been two weeks since I left the dream world that I had come to love so much and had been left to my own world. At first I wondered why I wasn't allowed to go back and I cried a lot. But maybe that's why. I had to be able to stand on my own two feet. I had to be able to face my own world.

I threw myself into schoolwork as it was one of the few distractions left to me. Rokou teased me about being a bookworm all of a sudden but I just took it in stride. I couldn't explain to them why I was sad, so I pretended not to be. How could I make them understand that I used to be a legendary warrior and that I visited another world at night?

And whenever the night was clear and I could see all the stars, I would climb up onto the roof and laid there on my back, looking up at the stars. I had looked up the ancient Chinese zodiac to find which constellations I should look for. I would talk to them. Telling everyone what had happened since the last clear night. It made me feel a little better to imagine that somewhere, Saihitei was doing the same.

But then, my mother called a family meeting to tell us important news.

One of my cousins that I hadn't met since I was a little boy was coming to live with us. Her whole family had just died in a terrible fire and my parents had offered to take her in. It wasn't all that long ago that I would have thrown a fit about it and accused them of trying to replace Kourin but now I knew what they were doing. This cousin of mine had lost her whole family. She needed people more than ever.

The day before she came, I helped box up Kourin's stuff to put into the attic. There was a terrible dull pain but I knew that it couldn't go on. I couldn't hold onto Kourin forever. She needed to go and leave the world behind her. Maybe when I met up with her after I died, if that's what happened when you died, Saihitei would be there as well. And then we could spend the rest of…well, forever together.

The next day, I stood with the rest of my family, watching a car come up the drive. She had been taxied to the house from the airport because my mother and father had to do some last minute preparations for her. It rolled to a stop and a girl that was about my age stepped out.

I nearly fainted from shock. It wasn't just the shock of seeing someone who looked like Kourin but it was the shock of seeing someone who looked exactly like…exactly like…

"Houki!" I exclaimed. It seemed so impossible and yet…and yet…

"You must be Ryuuen." The girl smiled, bowing her head a little. "You already know my name." She peeked at me and I was reminded of that maid who had asked eagerly to hear fairy tales from my own world. I couldn't help but hug her. Everyone seemed a bit surprised. After all, I hadn't seen my cousin Houki since I was very small, too small to really remember it.

"Let me show you your room." I put a friendly arm around her.

I don't know why my mother started crying, but I think it was because I saw someone who had it much worse than me and I could reach out to them. I had lost Kourin, but my family had still been there, even when I pushed them away. Houki needed us. And maybe…in a way, I think we needed Houki.

But there was something I really had to do. Something that would really help me, even though I wasn't strong enough to do it before. I'm not even sure I was strong enough now, but I had to go do it.

Rokou had phoned ahead for me and driven me to the place where Kourin's friend lived. The friend who had been with her on that terrible night. The one that I had been so angry at for surviving. It was time for us to meet at last.

His mother ushered me in as soon as she saw it was me. I followed, not sure what to say, how to explain…what would I tell him? How was I supposed to explain why I had decided to meet him? Would he even understand. His mother knocked on his bedroom door and when the voice told us to enter, I thought for a moment that it sounded familiar. It must just be my imagination. Or maybe I had met him briefly once with Kourin. I don't know.

I went in, looking at the floor.

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Chou Ryuuen." The voice startled me a bit. There was something _terribly _familiar about it now. I looked up and my mouth dropped open. No way. There was just no way! This was even more impossible than Houki…how on Earth…?

"I…I'm…" I tried to form a coherent sentence but it seemed so impossible. The boy in front of me was none other than Doukun. His hair was done differently but it was still clearly him. "I am. You're…?"

"Oo Doukun." He smiled at me. He was seated at a table. "I'm really glad I could meet you. You and Kourin…" He got a pained look on his face. I sat down across from him. "You and Kourin look very much alike and she talked about you all the time…"

"Yeah." I agreed dumbly. "I wanted to come…and say…say…"

"If you're angry with me, I understand. Sometimes I get so mad at myself…" He closed his eyes. "Because I couldn't save her. I really tried, I really did. If only I was faster or stronger…if only I had tried harder to stop her from hanging out with those boys…"

"That's funny." I half-smiled. It was painful for both of us and maybe that's what made it easy for us to talk about it. "I get mad at myself for those exact same reasons. Why couldn't I stop it? But the thing is…" I took a deep breath. "I couldn't have stopped it. And you…you couldn't do anymore than you did. And I came here to thank you." He looked at me with wide eyes for a moment.

"You…you did?" Doukun looked surprised. "But why?"

"Because I want to." I told him sincerely. "And I want you to know that if you're a friend of Kourin's, you're a friend of mine."

"Really?" Doukun's whole face lit up. "It's just…I've never had very many friends and Kourin was really the only person who talked to me. She was the nicest person I knew…"

Everything seemed better. Houki and Doukun were here. Who else was in my world? My heart kept longing for Saihitei but I couldn't just assume that he was here too. I tried to bury that hope but it was still there.

I wasn't alone and I didn't feel nearly as sad as I did. I helped Houki with homework, braided her hair, and let her borrow anything she wanted of mine. We would go over to Doukun's together and try to drag him away from studying, which he did quite frequently.

The next great surprise I got was the day that Doukun told me his cousins were coming to visit him. I hadn't really thought about it until I met them, or really, heard them coming up the stairs.

"Fucking map was all fucking screwed up again!" A voice cursed in an irritated tone.

"Oh Genrou…" A girl sighed.

Miaka and Genrou. I started crying and had to lamely say I had something in my eyes. I don't think anyone bought it but they couldn't think of any other reason as to why I would be brought to tears just seeing them. Doukun and Houki had been shocking, but these two…it was unbelievable to be around them again. Miaka was still so cheerful and bubbly and Genrou was just as foul mouthed as ever. Genrou took an instant liking to me and we got along really well, even though, as Doukun informed me later, he didn't really get along with people. Imagine that.

Their third visit was after the last day of school and so they brought along two of their friends. Well, actually, Genrou and Miaka both brought their boyfriends along. When I heard this, even though it was still surprising, it was a bit expected when the two people got out of the car with them. Kishuku and Houjun. That was practically all of us.

But not quite.

We would all spend so much time together and we had so much fun. Sometimes someone would comment that it felt like we had all known each other before somewhere. I would always just smile. I considered telling them but somehow…I think its better this way. If they do remember one day, I'll be there, waiting for it. I'm not sure they will though.

Even through all this fun, I found myself secretly wishing Saihitei was there. None of the others had heard of anyone named Saihitei. Maybe it was asking too much of fate to bring us all together. Maybe I was supposed to be satisfied with the friends I had now.

It was still hard to deal with and sometimes, I just had to be alone. I would go on long walks and come back, feeling a bit better, but still feeling like all I really needed to make me feel better was a hug from the man I fell in love with. It was sappy and yet…so true. What can I say? I'm a romantic.

One day, in the beginning of August, I went for a walk, deciding to go to the local park. It was late in the afternoon when I went and so there were barely any children there. I was just walking along one of the paths when I spotted some white flowers along the path.

They were very pretty so I debated a bit on whether I should pick them or leave them there for someone else to enjoy with something rubbed against my leg. I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"It's just a cat…" I berated myself for being so jumpy. I looked down at the white cat with its brown ears and I couldn't help but break out in a big smile. I bent down to pick him up. "Hello Tama-chan."

"I'm so sorry." An apologetic voice made me turn to see a man who was taller than me and had dark hair. At first, since his hair wasn't the same, I didn't recognize him but then it clicked in my head. It was Myojuan. "My cat got away from me. He seems to like you though…"

"It's fine." I handed the cat to him. "I knew a cat who looked just like that once named Tama…"

"That _is _a coincidence." Myojuan blinked a few times. "This cat's name is Tama."

"Good things have a way of coming back." I almost giggled. "He's really no bother."

"He just loves to run up to people. My friend Saihitei doesn't exactly dislike cats but I think he prefers them to leave him alone but Tama always jumps into his lap." Myojuan went on and I nodded before realizing what he had just said.

_Saihitei!_

_ His friend Saihitei!_

"S-Saihitei?" I stuttered slightly.

"He's around here somewhere." Myojuan looked around. "I think…yes, there he is. Behind that tree." I turned and saw that indeed, someone was leaning against a tree, his back towards us.

Without waiting another second, I began running towards that tree. Even though the others had showed up, I never really was sure that I would get to see Saihitei again…just because it seemed too good to be true…

But there he was, wearing a suit. His eyes were closed but it didn't matter. I stood there in front of him, my eyes starting to tear up. He wouldn't remember me. He would have no idea who I was there but it didn't matter because _he was there_.

And then his eyes opened, those beautiful amber eyes and they locked with mine. I didn't know what to say. It was stupid to run up to him. It was stupid to be standing there but I had done it anyways…on the slimmest hope that maybe he would think I looked familiar.

"Hello Ryuuen." I couldn't help the tears that started to roll down my cheeks when I heard those words. That's all he had to say. And I ran into his arms, knowing that against the odds, he had remembered me. That we really were together.

He said we would meet in the next world.

Maybe the next world is not where you go when you die, but where you go when you let go of your old world. I had learned to let go of mine, but not to forget it.

And this was my new world.

* * *

Omigod. I'm…I'm done, aren't I? There's no more story. THERE'S NO MORE STORY! I can't believe it. This is fantastic! I mean, it was a lovely story but woohoo! Go Jade! Thanks everyone for reading and I hope you enjoyed this whole story as much as I did. Please look for **99 Red Balloons** in the future. Since it might be a bit before it's up, I'll tell you what it's basically about:

Story after story has been written about what would happen if all four miko had been thrown into the book at once. I haven't read any that really captured what I thought would take place. So I decided to write my own. This is going to be an extremely dark story and I did a ton of research for it. (I have like twenty pages of _background_ notes.) If it sounds like something you'd like to read, keep an eye out for it. Cheers!


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